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UHi All,
33F, intercaste love marriage.mother of a 1.5 yr old.
CA by profession, shifted to husbands city after marriage.I had moved in to in-laws home, after husband’s insistence.Married after opposition from my dad.MIL disrespectful towards me and my mother, asking my mother to not come to matrimonial home, refusing to acknowledge my mother or speak to her. MIL puts me down mentioning my caste name, complaining to relatives mentioning my caste(for context – both of us are OBC,I’m from a caste which is prominent in the city we reside – hence not a case of caste oppression)Within a week, started asking what your mother or father have earned or built(in terms of wealth) after working for so long – i took this in a mild manner as she was old and traditional. Many such instances happened, but love for husband always triumphed.
Husband also made financial decisions without consulting me, buying a land and house for SIL – granted it might be his parents wish, but he would be paying back the loan with his father, simultaneously making me guarantor for his business loan.i feel betrayed that he didn’t consult me regarding former, when i had latter.
During pregnancy went to mother’s home after repeated privacy invasions by MIL.Postpartum had to return to matrimonial home because mother is working. MIL made several comments about me breastfeeding, not leaving me alone or staring at me when breastfeeding – overall not letting me breastfeed so had to stop by 3 months.
During courtship, husband promised me even if there is one small instance of discomfort or argument with MIL, not as a sweet nothing, but as a promise since it was a non negotiable for me. Now refusing to move out even after so many instances – I’m unable to look after son peacefully.Husband being disrespectful towards mother, comparing me and SIL and telling mother to teach me about living together with inlaws etc while SIL and husband itself staying away from inlaws separately.
Recently came to know that husband hid a major fact from me: his sister had eloped with someone, but the family brought her back, claiming it was a result of black magic, and few years later she married someone else thru AM. Husband completely hid this fact and i feel betrayed – he still has not confessed this.not against my SIL in this regard, but mentioning this to check whether this will be considered as hiding facts before marriage.
After multiple attempts, husband refusing to move out, saying to ignore MIL – but I’m unable to.husband is refusing counselling also.
My question is based on the above facts, would i be able to get full custody of my son in a contested divorce? I need no alimony or maintenance, but just full custody- as long as I’m in india husband will be visiting but I’m planning to move abroad, hence the ask for full custody.
Note:
1.i didn’t state all facts for sympathy, i’m sure i would have done some mistakes too – i wanted to know the validity of a contested divorce based on these facts.2. Husband & family didn’t ask for any dowry.
3.No physical abuse involved.
Thanks in advance.
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FDon’t discuss divorce with husband unless you tie all loose ends by discussing your options with a real lawyer. Consult a few. In the end if mediation can save the marriage nothing like it. Otherwise push for mutual consent divorce esp if you don’t need any alimony or maintenance. If he refuses use all legal means available to you to get the custody of son and the divorce. A lawyer will be able to guide better. But discuss with lawyer and prepare everything before breaking it to dear husband.
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UThank you for your response.
The leap of getting a lawyer is scaring me, as i have no emotional support per se, but i shall do so.
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PFemale lawyer – motherly instinct and empathy can help her work with you better. As for mediation, nothing like it but only if you’re 200% sure to stay together. More often than not, once things start getting better, people tend to fall back on their words and actions. Most cracks last forever, if you still have doubts after the meeting, run and save yourself.
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BHi OP. sorry to hear about you.
Check otherwarya’s Instagram handle. She has mentioned good divorce lawyers in all major cities in India along with phone numbers. That’s crowd sourced list of good divorce lawyers. Obviously they will charge money. It’s 8-9th story on her profile.
Don’t try to be good DIL. Ask for mutual divorce. If they don’t agree, listen to your lawyer.
Emotional abuse is still abuse and it’s part of domestic violence.
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FTalk to a trusted friend or family member. Go back to your mother’s place for a few months. It’s a big step no doubt. But discussing with a lawyer doesn’t mean you are going to divorce your husband. Tie all loose ends and take advice of few lawyers. After that you can always seek mediation, therapy. If it doesn’t work out then you have the legal plan ready.
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UI read on some other story about what to take with you before leaving marital home for divorce – that thread suggested taking all your belongings especially jewellery. Take it with you when you leave, it’s very hard to get it back later on. Take care OP.
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UI think if anything the only problem you may face with getting your son’s full custody would be your going to abroad part. Otherwise, the courts generally prefer to give custody to the mothers. Even in cases where the mother is an immoral person 🙄
Nonetheless, good luck to you. So sorry you ended up with a shitty husband.
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UHello ! Well, such oppression of women after marriage is increasing every day. But given the background of facts and I am a lawyer for 14 years and have been canvassing the cause of people in High Court at Chandigarh. In my considered opinion, yes, you have custody of your child till 5 years. Since under Indian Law, mother is natural guardian till child turns 5. Thereafter, father may seek visitation rights.
Hope I have answered your query-
UHi Arjun, thanks for responding. Please help me regarding few more queries.
What happens after 5 years, when i have to move abroad and husband is refusing NOC? And will my case even amount to divorce because it is not DV but just mental harassment – will judge say i have to live in matrimonial home and refuse divorce for me? What is the timeline for such contested divorces, by when i might get divorce once the proceedings start?
Thanks in advance
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UHello you are welcome !
See, before your husband gets visitation rights, move aboard and go outside the jurisdiction of Indian courts. And yes, your husband may initiate divorce on mental cruelty grounds. And no judge can compel a spouse to live with another. This is settled law in India. And such cases once contested go on for decades in India, most of such cases are compromised after years of litigation.
So there is no time line, earlier the better sense prevails in parties.-
MBy “years of litigation” you mean filing fake criminal cases against the husband to get full custody divorce? Despicable.
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UWhat is with Indians? Why does a successful, financially independent couple have to live with parents. There is too much of a generational difference in thoughts and ideas. It is never going to work out.
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MIf you approach a lawyer in India, he will insist that you file fake cases against the family in order to use that leverage to get you want. Please take it into consideration that this is not the right way to approach things as it affects actual victims of crime for one person’s expediency.
My advice for you is non-legal: If you have finally decided take your parents into confidence and talk to your husband. Tell him lawyers advised you to file fake cases against him and his family, but you choose not to do the dishonest thing. You want separation and that you want full custody. Don’t tell him about moving abroad, as it sounds like it’s not a confirmed yet. Why based full custody for an event (you moving abroad) that’s not even happened yet. Focus on getting a mutual consent divorce first then if you move to a different country your husband can manage times when he can visit his son. Tell him to move on from the relationship as there’s no scope of compromise. Tell him laws are women friendly in India, he should let you go without drama.
Hope this helps.
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UYes i don’t want to go that route either, that is not ethical as you mentioned.
I wanted to be upfront of my plans, so that he might not get misled if i do move abroad, but you are right what is not final, I don’t have to discuss now. Thanks for your advice, it sounds solid – I shall speak with a lawyer and discuss my options, and then approach him as you have suggested.Thank you!
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QGet a very good lawyer.
Go for mutual consent divorce.
I don’t think they’ll want you to stay or take care of the child with that attitude. You’ll be free in no time.
If they create an issue tell them you’ll claim alimony, they’ll just let you go in peace.
Be very very strong emotionally, connect with parents and friends who’ll have your back.
Here’s to hoping you get through this.
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UMy cousin sister is going through the same situation. She too, had a love marriage and the guy was from a different state. He basically hid many things during their 4 yr marriage and 6 yr courtship. She has initially filed for no contest divorce (as they agreed on mutual terms) but then asked for full custody of my niece as the guy barely has any time to take care of her. Her in-laws are pushing him to take full custody and they have all the muscle power with connections in court. She realised falling for him was the biggest mistake she did 10 years ago. I’m really hoping she’ll pull through all these proceedings.
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UI have a known female colleague who is fighting divorce. The thing is her men is ignoring every demand and she is fighting the battle all along alone. This will be a hard decision for you. Since t area mother this might make it more difficult or easy.
Lawyers are bot trustworthy. They are leaches. They don’t want a customer loss. So they might file a wrongful case this type this code etc etc. And make you stuck.
See all the options before diving into. This can be a deep but if you feel the fight would be worth do it. But be prepared mentally financially emotionally and all.
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UThe emotional part is what is scaring me – i will try it all before pulling the plug. Thanks for your advice!
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UI have a question for everyone (except OP)
1) How can you judge the outcome by merely knowing one side of the issue (although she seems genuine according to her post).
2) Father has no right to give love to his child? Is father deemed incapable of loving his child? Is it humane to separate a child from father (just like mother)? -
U40M, I understand your side of the story.
Far my opinion, Divorce is not the only option in life.
Life is all about balance I understand you will go through trauma after child birth as I’m a father of 2 kids.
Some part of your husband is still being with his parent which is common after different circumstances in marriage.
Find a common ground to discuss about life & take a break, go for a honey moon, find the love which you both had some years back.
I see that your educated, find a house nearby to change your husbands thought process. State your side polity.
After all the try if you have decided then gods will cannot be changed.
As a matter of fact Divorce is just a way to separate legally but if you live separately for sometime then go for mutual as long as your not expecting money from your loved one.-
UJust out of curiosity.. a man has no responsibility towards wife nd kid if the wife cannot be with their mil?
I see so many people complaining about paying child support in india for their own child because their wife didnt gel with their mom..So in parents vs kids you will choose your parents and abandon kids? When you have a doable option to take care of both by just moving in a different house?
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SYou can take divorce but it doesn’t seem much of an issue to me. He hid some embarrassing facts, everyone does that for family. He takes financial decisions without asking, you guys can discuss that you want to be involved, get him to change. Not leaving MIL, good or bad, that is his mother, it will take some time before he is there. I suggest you talk to him and tackle one point at a time. Keep divorce as the last option.
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U1. Where are you located?
2. Facts come only at time of litigation, you need to decide what you want? Would advise you to use litigation as a strategy only when end goal is clear, don’t use litigation to force someone to comply to your whims, that always ends bitter
3. Once you are sure that you want a divorce, plan it! Custody of a child would depend on his/her gender, age and your ability to provide for him financially, emotionally and consistently meaning his/her welfare would be the deciding factor
4. Sut with a lawyer, and plan for all the contingencies before you move ahead. -
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UConcentrate on the divorce part first, don’t tell your husband/court that you are planning to move abroad before getting the divorce. Get a good lawyer and strong arm your in-laws to agree for mutual divorce to save time if they want to contest it. Without mutual agreement, divorce cases go on for years.
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KNAL
If you are not happy in a marriage then you should not be in it.
But why does your SIL eloping and coming back and marrying someone else, affect you in any way?
You seem very open minded by the rest of your post but this thing seems very weird to me so asked.
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UHi I’m not judging her for that, I feel betrayed by him hiding it because i shared everything regarding my family so i feel i deserve to know this personally from him not anyone else.
Also constant comparisons with her SIL (she is not working(thats upto her), and he wants me to be non working too)and telling my mother to teach your daughter to be like my sister is unwarranted and makes me feel its unjust.
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