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UI (36 f) have been separated from my husband (40) for over a year now. He is an alcoholic who was physically, verbally and sexually abusive. I told my parents about his abuse about 6 months before I was able to leave him. My parents and I talked about me leaving him, but i was also afraid to take a big step. We have 2 kids also 6 y o and 2 y o. My parents live abroad while I lived with husband and his family in india. My parents told my maternal uncle about this and he had told me to let him know if i needed help.
In Nov 2023, my husband and I and kids went to a family wedding and my uncle was there. He took my husband aside and scolded him and told him he should be good and stop drinking or else my uncle will help me get away from him. My husband was deeply offended that my uncle scolded him and when we came back from the wedding, his abuse and torture escalated. I immediately called my parents and they flew down to india, and along with my uncle and another uncle who is a lawyer, they brought the police. I wrote a police complaint (not FIR, only written complaint as a letter) and left with my parents, along with my kids in early December 2023.
I went with my parents to the country where they live, and i was fully transparent to my husband and his family about where we are. They do video calls with children at least 5 days in a week. Husband knows our address and has ordered cake and toys for the children a few times in the last year. Just to add, he has not sent any money or anything like that since we left and i have not asked either. I started working again (i had stopped before marriage) and i am sending my kid to school and managing other expenses with my parents help. My parents don’t live in a western country where it is difficult to get visa or where flights are expensive. Visa is on-arrival for $50 and there is a direct flight from mumbai. My husband and inlaws are upper middle class and well able to afford it. I have invited them all to come and visit the children whenever they want. I don’t want anything to do with them but I have no intention of keeping the kids from them.
Every other week, my husband sends random ranting messages to me insulting me and my family members and friends. Recently he started messaging disgusting things directly to my family and friends too. They all sent me screenshots and i told them to ignore and block him. Only i have not blocked his number for the sake of the kids. Last night he sent a message to me that my uncle tried to r*pe his sister two years ago when we had gone to my parents’ hometown (in india) for my 2nd delivery. He has been angry at my uncle because of his scolding, and every now and then he calls him derogatory names, but this is going too far. His sister is a 42 years old and unmarried but in a good job and a smart woman. I sent her his message screenshots and she said ‘so sorry, i will scold him’. He obviously sent this without her knowledge. It’s bad enough he is defaming my uncle, but also his sister?
Anyway, i guess her scolding also hasn’t helped because he is continuing to say the same thing about my uncle, and also saying my uncle might have tried to do the same to his own daughters (he has 2 daughters). I have ignored all of his other disgusting rantings (he called my father a chakka, and my sister a prostitute for working night shift – she is an emergency doctor), but this is really unbearable for me.
Can I file a defamation case just from his text messages?
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UI absolutely hate the entire modi cabinet for having “holier than thou” attitude. I get it why they are doing it, but their attitude that we know what is best for YOU is what bothers me. They don’t make changes that are needed but go all out on changes that are not even in periphery of being sensible. Look at Toll Kari, or Nirmala, or Railways, or Education,
Or IT, or Media and communication, or even defense and foreign! -
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SWhy have you not initiated divorce proceedings? Why are you still married to him?
Why did you not have the police register an FIR and only file a complaint?
Well coming to point, yes. You can file a defamation case. But proving the damages will be hard.
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UI didn’t initiate divorce because I only wanted to get away from him at that point and come away to parents home. I didn’t want to drag it out. My parents don’t have a permanent home in india. They stay with relatives when they visit for holidays. They couldn’t get away from work for long and stay. I didn’t file FIR for the same reason. The city where I lived with husband is not the same as where my relatives live, so a case would have just dragged things out and we would have had to stay there for however long it took.
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MProve to who? Your friends and family? They know already. To society at large? No one cares that someone lost a defamation suit.
If you are looking for a way to channel your frustration, there are better ways.
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MNo she can’t. Only the uncle can. The defamation case has to be filed by the one defamed.
Even then, as you said, proving damages will be difficult.
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UI don’t want him to claim I am keeping him away from the children. That’s the only reason I haven’t blocked. Everyone else I know has blocked him and I have also blocked one of his numbers. He has two phones.
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UYour uncle did nothing to his sister, but that didn’t stop him from calming nonsense. If you are wealthy, delegate the responsibility of taking him to someone else; if not, forget about him making any claims. By interacting with him, you are only giving him more time to think of other absurdities involving you and your children. Since many people are not as fortunate as you—that is, many do not have the choice to block this kind of nonsense—block him if you can.
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MGo to the police or the courts when you have to.
Abusive texts are a norm for disturbed people. Learn to ignore texts that are rants and focus on messages relevant to your marriage / kids.
You have separated but you haven’t really worked out your how your marriage should work going forward.
Your tone is like someone divorced. Consult a lawyer to check your options. -
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