- This topic has 42 replies, 35 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
R**if you cannot help, please at least upvote so that it reaches more people.**
I was getting married through arrange marriage setup, things were finalized in september last year, got engaged in November. After that her behavior started to change a lot. I did not feel loved, appreciated or anything. I am someone with very low expectations and she was not doing that as well. Overall, I think she is a good person, good daughter, good sister, good friend, but she had some very serious quirky behavior.
I discused this with her, her friend once done mediation, she advised her to improve her behavior, she does not have a father, I even brought it up with her mother, but there was no improvement. She even was making instagram dancing reels which I did not like, requested her to stop several times, she didn’t care. i tried to cal off the wedding in jan, feb but I was threatened that they would have to take some extreme steps. now, the wedding is in about three weeks, I can see my life would be ruined if i get married to her when I got to know some of her thought process.
We have communicated that we cannot move ahead but we are getting threats now about legal action, abuse, dowry whatever. **Is there anything I can do to protect myself or I will have to submit to their will? I don’t think I can prove anything in court.**
At this point, I don’t have any love, trust or respect for her left. things have become abusive between families and still they want to continue. for a substantial part of last three months, I have been feeling mentally abused. I am not in a state right to recall everything and write down.
-
-
-
-
MDoesn’t matter were you living under a rock for a few years?
Search up cases, laws in India are so unfair to men that it doesn’t matter much unless you have a load of money to influence -
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
SI am going through Divorce. If I had Time Machine I would have slapped myself out of the idea of marrying my wife. Despite so many red flags I couldn’t gather courage to say no.
My brother you have time.
I REPEAT NO MATTER WHAT DON’T GO AHEAD. It would crush me to see another bro going through same mistake which I did.
PLEASE🙏 -
-
-
-
-
-
RLaw student this side, You are not married and i am gonna assume you did not have sex before the marriage, other than that yes you can break off the marriage anytime before the marriage just return any gift you might have taken and the best that they shall ask you to do is pay any sort of bills regarding marriage that they have spent and do that only if you have proof of expense, trust me this route is cheaper and easier than divorce.
-
CConsult a local lawyer, it would be better to file a report with your local police station that such incidents have happened due to which you are not able to proceed with the marriage, and state that you are being threatened with false cases.
Even if the other side does not proceed, you would have the advantage of having filed first. A lawyer would be necessary to get your story straight and guide you through the process.
-
-
SJust my two cents –
You claim you didn’t like a lot of her behavioural traits. Well and good. But also self introspect, if she wants to post dancing reels on Instagram,that’s her wish. I don’t think you need to meddle with that. May be you want a wife that will only listen to you. That speaks volumes about what kind of a husband you’re going to be.
I see red flags on both ends here.
-
R“if she wants to post dancing reels on Instagram,that’s her wish.”
it’s marriage, and arranged marriage, 2 people’s are involved. not everything will happen according to the sanctification of both parties. I was willing to change few things about me according to her wish.
Context: we are from tier3 cities and families, these things are looked down upon. Initially, she had mentioned she makes reels, and I had told her that I don’t like it, and she had said that she not serious about it.Later, she said she has been doing for a while, and needs time.
Later, she said she wants to continue. I confronted her that she had told she not serious, she told that she is not serious, she does not want a million followers but she would like to continue. It seemed like manipulation.
My 2 cents are:
there are negotiables and non-negotiables. Happy relationship is the ultimate non-negotiable and in order to make things work, both should be willing to make adjustments for others’ happiness. She should have been more honest about her reels if it meant so much to her.Request:
could you please be specific about the red flag in me? Asking her to stop doing something which she likes..? I mean she has the right to ask me to stop doing something which I like but it’s bothering her.. why cannot I have the same right?-
SYou don’t want to go forward but there’s no mention of what your offered to do to compensate them. Did you return all gifts you recieved? Did you cover all the expenses so far from both sides, since you’re the one cancelling after making promises?
>I was willing to change few things about me according to her wish.
What things, btw?
-
R“Did you return all gifts you received?”
my parents called them and told them we cannot go ahead and we want to come to return the gifts. they got furious over it. So, we have not returned yet but we offered it several times. We have no intention to keep them, and I don’t even if they don’t return mine. just let me be peaceful.“If her making reels is an issue in your society, there’s also an issue with breaking an engagement, right?”
making reels is a voluntary decision which she has made. If she stops, we can find other ways or things which makes her happy. If she dances, she can dance, or record it, but keep it to herself. Movies, books, more frequent dates etc. On the other hand, breaking the engagement is compulsion on my end. If I don’t do it, not only two lives, but two families would be miserable. I can’t believe you compared it.Also, reels is an issue, it is not the reason to break it up. There are several issues on top of it, like few days back she told me for my happiness she has deleted the instgram profile, after a few days, I discovered she had not deleted but deactivated. Sue has reactivated now and blocked me. When I confronted her, she told me that she cares for my happiness, that is why she has blocked me so that I don’t get to see what I don’t like. It was a mind blowing moment for me. How can someone think that hiding something like this is a good gesture. And not showing appreciation, not caring my calls/texts sometimes.
and there are several other things. I understand your question is right, but please understand writing everything is not possible. Even if I try to, I am not a professional writer and something might not turned out to be what I intend.. I have discussed with her brother as well. He is a very reasonable person, modern, progressive, he also agreed that her sister is not putting in the efforts. her female childhood friend had done mediation once, even she told me that my fiancee is like this and she asked her to work on it. I even asked them about their honest opinion about me, what can I do right, and they said there is nothing I am not prefect, but I listen, agree, adjust.
“What things, specifically?”
One example: money habits. So, I come from lower middle class family. Growing up there were days when we were not sure we will have the money to eat for next month. I did not have a childhood. I have helped my father in his shop and then after I got a job in IT life got better. My portfolio now is in 8 digits, no debt. because of this maybe, I live a frugal life. I am not a miser but I am conscious about spending money. I wanted a simple wedding, she wanted a better one. I increased my wedding budget by 10L. I live a minimalist lifestyle, she wants better. fancy clothes, fancy dates, iPhone, travel etc. I had made up my mind that I would try to provide as much as I can.
I have let her have the upper hand in all major decisions although in our society the groom’s side have it. I wanted a golden ring for engagement, she preferred platinum-diamond and we agreed, wedding venue, type of dresses and the color codes, everything to be decided by her.after writing all this I am realizing that the question is off-topic. It’s a legal sub and not relationship sub.
-
SSee the financial discussion should’ve been had before you even got engaged. Just ask a lawyer about sending their stuff back without contacting them.
>making reels is a voluntary decision which she has made. If she stops, we can find other ways or things which makes her happy.
Looking at her insta is a voluntary decision you make.
>On the other hand, breaking the engagement is compulsion on my end.
Not really. You could just *not* look. Unless she’s posting naked, there’s no real issue except you having a problem.
>Also, reels is an issue, it is not the reason to break it up. There are several issues on top of it, like few days back she told me for my happiness she has deleted the instgram profile, after a few days, I discovered she had not deleted but deactivated. Sue has reactivated now and blocked me. When I confronted her, she told me that she cares for my happiness, that is why she has blocked me so that I don’t get to see what I don’t like. It was a mind blowing moment for me. How can someone think that hiding something like this is a good gesture.
See, lying is a much bigger issue than reels.
>I have discussed with her brother as well. He is a very reasonable person, modern, progressive, he also agreed that her sister is not putting in the efforts.
I don’t think you can call suffer progressive if they’re upset about reels. Also, you said tier 3 city where even reels are a big deal like she’s a stripper or something.
>I live a minimalist lifestyle, she wants better. fancy clothes, fancy dates, iPhone, travel etc. I had made up my mind that I would try to provide as much as I can.
Bro you can’t. You’re set in your ways. The reels and wanting quick responses to texts is part of it, so is lifestyle.
>I wanted a simple wedding, she wanted a better one. I increased my wedding budget by 10L.
You’re paying for the whole thing? Or only wedding and they cover other stuff? Did you also pay for the engagement? If they haven’t didn’t money beyong gifts, they shouldn’t have too many cases to file. If they did spend on the engagement, NEFT or gpay the amount back. Send a cheque.
>And not showing appreciation, not caring my calls/texts sometimes.
No matter how free someone is, they won’t always reply to calls and texts instantly. The point of texts is that you can reply when your able to. This is relevant for your future relationships, be it family, work or spouse.
-
R“See the financial discussion should’ve been had before you even got engaged.”
It was discussed and I felt that I am earning money, what could be a better use of it if I am getting a person who genuinely loves and cares for me, there could not be a better thing to do. I think it is money well spent. I think people, health and time are the most expensive things. If I give up money, and get a good relationship, it’s the best thing in the world. I had said the money stuff to your question about what change I am willing to make, and that was the answer. so, I am willing to give up a lot of things to protect my relationships, but she is not willing to give up social media of lifepartner which I am not able to understand, where is the dilema.“Looking at her insta is a voluntary decision you make.”
so, what happens is, for most social media, they take hints from several things, like wifi, phone number etc. Soon, her mobile number with my many of my relatives, and instagram might suggest her profile to them and it would be a issue then, and I have explained this to her. So, first of all, it’s not voluntary. Second, if I don’t look, it does not change that it is happening.Also, if I needed relationship advice, I would have posted in another sub. I respect your views but our values are different. let’s end here.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
SRecord the evidence, collect evidence first and foremost. Read this link too, I guess it’s more accurate than whatever I was going to say
What can I do if someone is threatening to frame me in a false case?
-
-
-
-
UBetter to take some trouble now than after marriage .. if they can threaten dowry now when there has no marriage taken place imagine what all false cases they can file after marriage .
Let them threaten you .. please deal with it .. if it comes to worse get a good lawyer .. you won’t be getting into much trouble cause there is nothing that has happened d
-
UJust call off the wedding…. engagements break every now and then…..if she would care for you she would have listened to you….
Don’t give into threats….this is how they know your weak
Be strong and take control of your destiny…a man should be ready for war let alone some fake cases….
Living in fear is worse…..
-
-
S>After that her behavior started to change a lot. I did not feel loved, appreciated or anything.
>I am someone with very low expectations and she was not doing that as well.
>Overall, I think she is a good person, good daughter, good sister, good friend, but she had some very serious quirky behavior.
>I discused this with her, her friend once done mediation, she advised her to improve her behavior, she does not have a father, I even brought it up with her mother, but there was no improvement.
>She even was making instagram dancing reels which I did not like, requested her to stop several times, she didn’t care.
What other questionable behaviour?
I agree that you should be able to leave for remainder reason, but you should be the one taking the financial/social hit. That is, at least, apologize and offer to compensate them for their share of the expenses so far.
>things have become abusive between families and still they want to continue.
Because they already told people and spent money. Send an email and offer to cover the engagement expenses because you have specific issues with her. Not “quirky” or “questionable behaviour”.
Don’t take calls. Don’t let your parents take calls. Email/text only.
-
MLeave here now and cover the expenses (only bills produced) Max she can do is civil case if they go criminal you can also go criminal as giving dowry is also a crime (if she says you have taken)
OR
After marriage she will leave you and fight battle with justice system that will take minimum 6 years and in worst case 23-24 years and you have to pay 1/3 – 1/2 of your assets pulse your legal fee and your legal fee.
Well if you take my advice 1 option looks tempting to me and 99% male will choose the same.
-
S1) if you had sex before marriage : make sure you have proof that it was consensual. Like on WhatsApp or recording or hotel booking on her name
2) if you called off wedding : hope your call was recorded ? Or atleast on text it was written ? If not suggest do it with the reason . So that atleast you can proof that you called off wedding due to lack of compatibility between couples .
-
-
B>”Did you return all gifts you received?”
my parents called them and told them we cannot go ahead and we want to come to return the gifts. they got furious over it. So, we have not returned yet but we offered it several times. We have no intention to keep them, and I don’t even if they don’t return mine. just let me be peaceful.NAL, but do you have any call recording/message proofs of this. Please collect and keep handy.
Can i please please request you to not ask for free advice online and rather engage a paid proper lawyer with ethics. Yk they will, isn’t it better if you do it first.
**You get proper step-by-step advice if you pay for it. This post is just giving you more stress and headache**
>after writing all this I am realizing that the question is off-topic. It’s a legal sub and not relationship sub.
She can file n number of false cases. I’m a constant lurker on this sub since forever. Learned a lot. Also saw there is hope if you engage a proper ethical lawyer.
-
-
-
-
