- This topic has 44 replies, 26 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 2 months ago by
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SThis feels unbelievable as I write this. My wife has not had any form of physical intimacy with me for close to 3 years. The first 9 months was her pregnancy, so I didn’t mind that. After our child was born, I discounted the first 6-7 months as she had just delivered and even though she had a caesarian, I felt some people might take longer to recover. I was respectful and told her that I will wait till she feels upto it. But the 2nd year passed and it started to get a bit much for me. I tried to reason with her and she told me that she still doesn’t feel like. I requested her to visit her gynae as she might be able to help which she agrees to will but she doesn’t go. Its about to be 3 years now and I think she is dodging this intentionally. She is either trying to deny me or has some problem which she is not admitting. I can understand periods of abstinence due to life changes & health issues but nowhere can this amount of time be justified without having any special reasons. And now that I think about this, there have been periods of 8-9 months like this before she got pregnant as well.
There are other compatibility issues in our marriage due to her selfishness that I am not writing about here but have affected my mental health badly. We have had discussions over a divorce but she keeps telling me that she will take alimony and custody both. My question is can I divorce her on the grounds of denying physical intimacy for such a long period? How will that affect alimony and custody?
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SAnd yes denial of conjugal rights constitute as divorce grounds but is difficult as it will involve court orders for restitution of conjugal rights and if not complied within a year then divorce is granted.
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P1. You can try therapy to start with. She could be overwhelmed with motherhood and other household responsibilities. There could be some other reason that she herself may not be able to identify.
2. Denial to have an intercourse without a genuine reason amounts to cruelty, which is ground to file contested divorce. [https://divorcebylaw.com/best-contested-divorce-lawyers-in-bangalore/](https://divorcebylaw.com/best-contested-divorce-lawyers-in-bangalore/)
3. Before filing for divorce, encourage her to restart her career, this could give her some break from the household responsibilities.
4. 2 year old child may need more care from the mother than father, your wife may get the custody of the child. Generally children below the age of 5 years, mothers are given the custody, except for some extreme cases. You can seek for joint custody where you share the parenting time or can only settle for visitation rights.
5. You will have to pay the alimony and maintenance as she is dependent on you. If she starts working, you may have to pay lesser. [https://divorcebylaw.com/maintenance/](https://divorcebylaw.com/maintenance/)
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**Disclaimer:** In the absence of all the facts of the case, the comments given may not be the best solution for your case. One on one consultation with a legal counsel/ advocate is advised to get better guidance.
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DIt’s very common after childbirth but I would say 2-3 months is Max for abstinence , 3 years is a bit much
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NTo me it seems she has already thought about divorce. You can try couples therapy but I think it won’t help you out. She has already figured out things for divorce already. She has already figured out alimony as well.
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OI donot think, post partum depression needs 3 years to recover ..as you said you both are around 40’s and she didn’t feel attracted from your body and might be having affair outside (hope not). In these 3 years you must have done some counselling sessions also. But her denial clearly states that she is not attracted to you physically and is just in marriage for sake of child. I personally feel, divorce her and give her her share as soon as possible. Start a new life with a woman who is physically and mentally attracted to you.
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SYou should have taken legal advice before dropping the D-bomb on your spouse. Marriage counseling is must to go but it won’t affect stimulus of divorce which you have planted now.
Either she is seeing someone or just simple sex doesn’t make her happy.Try to set up the mood plant some naughty thoughts on her mind.
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MA lawyer here!
Yes, denial of sexual relationship is considered a ground for Divorce.
About the kid, you can keep the child with yourself. Although the court has a tendency to handover the custody of the child to the mother, specially if the child’s under 5 years of age. But speaking frankly, you keep the kid with you, you’re a natural guardian of the child along with the mother. Even if she takes the child along with her, just take the child forcefully, no one can file a case against a father for taking(kidnapping) his own child, it is barred by law.
About the maintenance, you’ll have to most probably give maintenance under 125CrPC which is the most difficult one to escape, although you can try to deny her the maintenance or reduce the amount.
About the alimony, you might not need to pay it as refusal to have sex comes under cruelty and normally court don’t grant alimony if cruelty by wife is proved.
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SCourts don’t give divorce so easily in such cases especially to men.
The judge will keep recommending counselling and it will be a waste of time and money.
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MIt depends on your lawyer. I’m a 3rd generational lawyer, after my grandfather and father. We only deal with criminal matters, but we’ve been doing family matters for atleast a decade now. My father just got a guy a divorce decree without any alimony from the family court. There’s also a 125CrPC maintenance application that we got dismissed (yeah, you read it right, not reducing the amount, but completely dismissed the application altogether)
So yeah, it depends on your petition, your pleadings and most importantly your lawyer.
Lawyers and doctors are two persons that one needs to choose very carefully, they can make all the difference between life and death. And I can say this because we only deal with cases like 302, 306, 304B, 376, POCSO, NDPS etc
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MBut then this is the last option. As a lawyer, people fighting each other is my bread and butter, but going against my profession, I’d advice you to work it out if you can/feel like/want to.
Nhi toh bhai, meet a good lawyer, get a good and proper divorce petition drafted *(this is the most important point)*
A well drafted petition can make or break your case
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Ffirst just make sure you have figured out the right intent ?
is it hormonal imbalance? ,lack of libido?, lot of people suffer with these silently as it goes [undiagnosed.it](http://undiagnosed.it) could very well be something small. at your respective ages it will be common
second ,please do some therapy ,if you considering an extreme actions like divorce , you should be motivated to make your way to couples therapy as well ,i am sure it will acceptable to both parties
third, yes denying intimacy amounts to cruelty ,these are grounds for divorce
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SMakes perfect sense. This is what I have been trying to get her to do..by offering to take her to a doc..but I can only suggest…i can’t yank her to the doctors.
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FWe don’t have the full picture, so I’ll avoid making any unhelpful suggestions. I’m just trying to say that divorce is an extreme step—therapy will seem like a better option when compared to it to any sane person.
But things are rarely that simple, especially when it comes to women. There may be something you’re unaware of, or something she has internalized over time regarding you or your marriage. Maybe she’s not open to seeking help because she doesnt see herself as the problem . Long marriages can often lead couples into complex emotional patterns like this. i know your helplessness . we all been there
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EJust my assumption. Maybe she doesn’t want another kid. That could be why she is abstaining. Check with her if you go through a vasectomy would she change her mind?
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SShe wants another kid. She told me a few days back.
And the funny part is that while trying for our last kid, she became a woman on a mission. Daily sex without even asking for it.
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EIn the meantime speak to her about contraception pills. get gynecologist counseling for contraception pills/copper t. There can be some fear about using pills. So some counseling might help.
Give time till the kid is grown up/weans off milk. Plan some alone time then like during summer holidays.
It can also happens that women lose interest in sex with huabands but have interest in ladies porn and self pleasure.
Bribe with gifts for promise of sex later. If she cheats hold the next wanted vanity item for purchase as hostage for sex.
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MYes, legally and morally yes. Three years without serious attention to mental health and physical health, BOTH for self snd husband, itself amounts to cruelty and negligence. Some women make a mockery out of marriage, and half-decent men also end up turning anti-women because of the impact of such females.
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SIts not no sex for 3 years. Its no sex for 8-9 months. You shouldnt NOT include the pregnancy and post partum period as its IMPOSSIBLE for her to engage in sex then.
You are such a cruel man, I think you should divorce her , she deserves someone more sensitive and kind.
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SBro, man isn’t cruel; he doesn’t know anything here; people in India don’t know about these things.
People are telling him to understand and I am sure he will understand.
Relax.
We can’t judge him in one post.
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SOkay.
But his title is 3 years and in the post he is explaining how half of it is pregnancy and post partum. But looks like he is still thinking of how he couldnt get sex for 3 years.
On the other hand she has put her body through extreme trauma for half of the time. If he cant realize it at 40, i dont know what kind of a dumb man child this guy is.
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SI will say don’t take it seriously, because most accounts here are trolls or real, but it doesn’t matter to us because, at the end of the day, our work is to advice and go away, I used to be emotional here too, until I remembered that this subreddit is for legal advice and I just saw it as my assignment to be done.
Take it as an assignment and all your worries will go away.
We can control our life but not others, because below in comments he said she wants sex.
Probably something is wrong here, but we don’t care.
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UMachi. I’ve heard this type of issues. She was a working woman who turned homemaker. So it may not be physical. Could be psychological. Do some romancing first. Then other medical things.
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RLawyer here
1. Try counselling/therapy first. Even if you file for divorce there will be court mandated counselling.
2. Try for divorce by mutual consent. Decide child custody and maintenance matters together if possible. This also requires a minimum 1 year separation period and the court will give a further 6 month cooling off period
3. If all else fails, you need a separation of 1 year before you file for contested divorceYes, denial of sex by one partner for an unreasonable period depending on facts and circumstances of the case will amount to cruelty which is a ground for divorce. The burden of proof will be on the husband in this case but the standard of proof is much much lower than in criminal or other civil cases. Basically the court should be satisfied that you have just cause.
Mind, based on your lifestyles and earnings you may have to pay maintenance to your wife and will have to pay child support.
I have contested divorce cases that are 10 years pending and its better you dont go down this path.
Try to resolve things amicably or via a mediator/lawyer. -
CI think many of us who have kids are in the same boat as you my man…so my thoughts
1. Rekindle the relationship if you can.
2. Get someone to take care of the kid/kids for a few hours every week.
3. In these very few precious hours together ,do all the crazy things you did together when you first met.
4. Have a bit of patience and let that flame grow again slowly. It takes time with women… -
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SThink with your brain for a minute and not your d*ck.
Woman need emotional intimacy to have physical intimacy.Do you speak to her about her day? Do you spend time with her? Do you touch her in a non-sexual way? Do you show her you care?
If your reaction to my questions are: why should I?
Let me assure you your second marriage will also end up in a divorce.
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UI think there are other issues than just sex life but you escalated things by directly discussing divorce.
It took good 4 years after baby to have any normalcy in sex life for us.Your wife is still lactating and must be feeding the baby, it drains energy, are you not up most of the night bcoz of baby or is there a nany taking care of everything which leaves time and energy to divorce over sex when your baby is just 2.
May be do a vacation and enjoy family time than just thinking about sex.
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