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UTHIS POST IS GOING TO BIG ONE SO PLEASE HELP I NEED SOME ADVICES PLEASEEE
BACKGROUND- i am 18male currently in first year btech living with my mom and dad and i am a single child just 3 people in the house Dad the main earner mom is a housewife all my life being a single child i have shared close bond with both parents and always imagined my dad as my superhero until now
i am a really chill type person i have never took major decisions in my life even while selecting college but this first time in my life i have to make a life changing decision
dad is a cab driver in a company earns around 20k and my btech fees are just 11k due to 100% scholarship i got with good marks
MAIN-
we have young couple as our neighbours 23yo wife and 28yo husband they are very close to us like always sharing things and all
now last week everything changed for me
i found chats in my dads phone of him cheating on our neighbour wife (like love you / dear etc like this chats) and he saved number as his boss name but i immedately knew cuz of the pfp
now my dad is 47years and mom is around 42years and they will be completing 20 years of marriage this july
i have all the proofs necesarry to expose him but i just dont have the courage and have been keeping this to myself since one week now but its destroying me from inside my brain is numb 24/7 and i my chest feels heavy
i always share every little detail in my life with my mom
now i have 2 options here
1. tell everything to mom but i am afraid that she might suffer shock or heart attack and also if she confronts to dad this might destroy everything
2. keep this all to myself but this is negatively affecting my mental health and my studiesnow i dont have anyone except mom dad to confront this with so here i am on reddit seeking help
also
i pray to god (which i doubt now exists or not) that something like should not happen to anyone atleast so early in life
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UGather proofs, a lot of them. Screenshots of the messages, but also try to take pictures. Then, one day your father is not home, tell your mom and show her all the evidence. She should have access to money if she wants to divorce, so make sure she has some money for herself, in a private account, at least 20k, before she confronts her husband about it. While she confronts your father, go to the neighbour husband and tell him with all the evidence as well.
There are things you can do, just make sure to do them wisely, in the right order. Do not let the trauma make you act foolish, your mother could end moneyless.
Now, when it comes to your faith, we all have to go through ordeals. It is part of the test of life to remain faithful to God, even when everything falls apart. For more insight, I invite you to read the book of Job. Keep calm and think carefully before doing anything.
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UWeaponise it! Use the info against ur dad, get the evidence, threat him tht you’ll ruin his marital life ( p.s – already ruined) this way you get to damage cntrl, get your way in everything, live your life at your best & when ur in good financial position just fuck him over and live with your mom happily ever after.
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UI was in your place when i was in 3rd year of college.
Get a job, support your mother.
Well i did the same, i complained to my father he stopped talking to me and family.
Things will escalate once you let things out.Channelize the energy, get independent ASAP. Confront father only after getting independent, otherwise he’ll never fund your education.
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UI just wanna give you an story of my own life I was cheated on and my brother knew about it we are not that close at all now but at that time we used to be very close he didn’t tell me about it i didn’t really care about his reasoning but our relationship is never going to be the same i still maintain relationship with him for the sake of family so whatever you do always keep in mind that you might have to face some strong emotion later on
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UDon’t tell ur mother as this truth will haunt her forever and in most of the cases women don’t leave their husband because of financial dependency so she will live in trauma n this will ruin things at ur home which anyway going to affect u mentally….
instead go and tell her(ur neighbour) husband with an anonymous account…her husband will probably ask her to stop all this n in a way your dad will be out of this crap n probably will stop too
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UStart working on getting your mom to upskill on things outside house like banking (branch and also mobile), bill payments, maybe even driving.
A lot of moms’ crisis when the affair gets exposed comes from kids still being dependent and they’ve never bothered to learn outside home things skills.
Alt take, but lets also assume she is already aware and is letting it happen for now or doesn’t mind. I mean it’s very less likely. But you have to consider all angles on paper. There’s only one shot you get afterall.
So without getting overloaded in the brain, take a step back. Relax, observe both of their behaviors and see how is she missing the signs. Women do be good with their ability to capture cues which they generally call 6th sense. But you gotta find out if he’s being so smart or she is being wilfully ignorant. In the meantime get on with that skill equipping tasks with her.
But in all this do not overlook studies. That is your key to unlocking self sufficiency afterall. Keep doing what’s working for you there.
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MLet him live his life, he knows what hes doing. Morality not needed, don’t let your mom get to know, it will ruin her life. You know what’s worse? your mom might know, and shes probably ok with it by now. Don’t make a scene and ruin what you have. As you grow older, and you feel your dad is not doing good to your mother, confront him on the side and have a chat with him instead – man to man.
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UIt was the same for me when I was your age. Trust me, the outcome of situations like these is never good for anyone. My suggestion is that you should talk to your father. If he has any sense left, he will understand that what he’s doing is wrong. If he doesn’t understand, don’t give him a second chance—he might never get it. Be prepared to take care of your mom on your own. Focus on your studies, find a job, talk to your mom and your neighbor about the matter and leave your dad. Don’t trust him ever again if he doesn’t listen to you now. Do what is best for your mother and you. And trust me, I am speaking from experience, I experienced what you are experiencing now.
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SToo poor to take a moral call on this.
Get a new sim and threaten your dad about this relation and how you plan to expose this if he does not stop, tell him you are ex lover of the girl.
Focus on studies and getting a job, if you tell this to your mom everything will fall apart.
Get a job and start earning and then confront your dad if required.
Don’t tell this to even your best friend !!
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UBro mind your own sht and keep your a$$ out of the adult’s business. If you open your mouth you are going to regret it super hard. You have no right to destroy a functional family with your 18 yr old idea of the world. You will make your parent’s life hell and your existence awkward if try to be the smarty pants here with this exposure business.
Let your parents be who they are and let them handle their sht on their own. They are two adults before being your mum dad.
Sit quietly and think about the outcomes of your descision.
You’ll leave your mum and dad both helpless infront of you and the whole situation will be super awkward. There won’t be any fancy divorce and alimony and all that. The moment you open your mouth..life will be off track for your family.
You better worry about your own self and your career and your own shit. Let the old ppl live as they are. Don’t impose your idea of romance and fidelity on your parents. Ppl have their own lives let them live as they wish. Don’t be a pain in as$. I am telling this from a very similar personal experience. Listen to me. -
UI won’t be able to give a legal opinion but personally I feel like telling your mom will never be the right decision until you’re able to provide for. As long as she’s dependant on your father for financial support she will have to live with him, so knowing will just make it harder on her.
To tackle the problem now the best way would be to either confront your dad separately or send an anonymous message stating that you’ll expose the affair and he will end it hopefully.
Potentially in the future when you are earning enough you can take the step to take care of your mother and let her live with you, letting her leave your father. I know how hard it would be for someone who you idolized or loved your whole life to end up doing something like this, even if he is having an affair you still love him and it will still be hard to take that step.
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UStay strong brother! Wish I could offer you a piece of advice..but it seems like you are in a very complex/precarious situation with life changing decisions for all the people involved. Let me ask you… what do you want to do about this? If you’ve not decided give it some thought and time. Do you also have any other person irl apart from your parents to share your agony with? Can you confide in them about your current situation? If you have someone like that then do talk to them.. get it out and seek their inputs too. Try to focus on yourself by reducing your mental burden.
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UIt’s a common problem. It is naive to think this cannot happen to anyone.
I went through same situation as you. Parents cheat and they do mistakes, some times they realize what they did and seek forgiveness. My parents reconciled after such episode happened 22 years ago, when I discovered my father’s relation,
It took a heavy toll on me for almost one year, like crazy. But we went back to normal, I moved on like it never happened, he loves me no matter what and I’m absolutely happy for every moment i spent with him.
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MThe best situation is where you get back to the zone where you didn’t know about this. Communicating with any of the people involved will not go down positively. Plenty of husband’s and wives make up and continue life together after their affairs come out.as a child though, your relationship with your parents may get affected.
If you need to get it off your chest, talk to a counselor. -
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CHere is a possibility that you haven’t considered: Your mom knows about it already. For the sake of the family and because she lacks options she is keeping quiet. If you expose this, you will add to the humiliation because she might still be forced to live with your father. You might make things much worse by going public.
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ETalk to your dad. Regardless of your relationship with him, talk to him to unburden yourself. Tell him you know and you don’t agree with it and it’s affecting your mental health and education. There is great power in being an only child. He will mostly choose your family. If he doesn’t, then at least you will be unburdened and then as three adults, you can decide what to do next. Remember that your mum may be financially hostage to your dad and we’ll have to live through the indignation of knowing he is unfaithful for the sake of both your survival.
If I was you, I would clear my head, focus on my education and let nature take its course. Once I earned enough, if this dalliance was still going on, I would have options to take care of my mom and I’d boldly confront him 1 on 1. If it has to end, I have a cushion for us both.
But I’m not you 🙂
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GI think you should tell your mom about it. Because what if someday your dad wants to clear his path by removing your mom. So, if your mom ever got hurt , you will never be able to forgive yourself. So, telling you mom is actually making her safe from your dad. Yes, maybe she will get shocked but she deserves to know the truth before something big happens and for her safety. I have seen many husbands tries to kill their wife just to get a clear path between him and her lover. And make it seem like an accident. If something like that happens you wont be able to turn back time, right now you have time.
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USome important question you should answer
1) is that women physically more beautiful than your mother,how is her behaviour towards you?
2)how does your Father behave with your mother and you?
3)do you have younger siblings brother and sister?-
U1) yes
2)my father behaves totally normal but almost 9am to 9pm he is on work and comes home eats and sleep doesnt abuse nothing just talks nice and gets angry sometimes
3)no i am a single child
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UFrankly speaking how adult behave with child and their actual behaviour is totally different.
Let me tell you real incident,one girl father was cheating she confronted with him,he left both daughter and wife and now living with his young mistress.
What we have to understand is that your father is seperate individual with his personal life, consider him separate individual.
If he is paying you money then Wait till graduation get job then see what you can do,now you don’t have power nor financially secure to do anything. Better to have job.
Now just ignore and focus on studying,doing anything else will only make things worse.
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SThere’s pretty much a possibility that she already knows and she’s just ignoring it cos if she makes a hue and cry, he may distance further from her.
Now, affairs barely last very long especially when both parties are married.
Third, it’s not up to anyone to meddle with another person’s life, be it your father or your mother. Just try ensuring (idk how) that he’s not being financially exploited by her (maybe she’s not).
Fourth, u as a grown up, must understand your happiness lies within you and u can either choose to be weak and depressed or focus on your studies and build a good future for yourself.
Finally, you must never hate your father for what he’s doing. the human mind works in different ways than conventional patterns. there is no absolute right or wrong.
I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get bashed for this. But just focus on your own life and go ahead.
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UI would say talk with both your mom and your neighbour. Yes it will be a heartbreak for your mother but it would be better than catching them in some act in the future.
Edit: I read that your mom was the main earner. In this case, I would say wait till you finish your college, get a job and move out with your mom. Expose it to both your mom and neighbour then.
Always remember. Once a cheater, always a cheater -
PThere might be a chance that your father may soon get duped/blackmailed by your friendly neighbors.
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UBoth will be in trouble with your financial conditions. Tell your mom to be careful with the neighbouring wife and watch her. Let her get the message and try to stop your dad from reaching out to her. After getting a job or going for higher studies you can slowly make your mom be aware if she is not already knowing it. Most likely your mom must be aware of this and she doesn’t want to rock the boat yet since everyone in your family depending on him now.
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UTough situation keeping things from mother is not alright
Should tell your mother its going to be difficult .
As far as dad he is at wrong confront him infront of your mother remember it might come with consequences such hatred for you lifetime. Another option is tell the other persons husband about her wife cheating make an anonymous account tell that guy just to check his wife’s WhatsApp after she’s away from her phone if that person checks his wife’s phone and find this things you are safe
Another thing to keep in mind stay focused on your studies you need keep working hard and need to secure job as soon as possible considering you are in B.tech you can get job as early as in 3rd year with good Leetcode score and strong fundamental grip over OOP and DSA -
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UBro chill, if your dad is approachable, sit with your dad alone, put some chai and buscuits on the table and just talk to your dad. There has to be a reason or maybe he’s flown off the rails for a bit.
Cheating is not a life ending situation. Its a shit one for sure but in most cases the wives know and don’t want to create a scene by making it public knowledge.
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