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HI’m aware this is India, and men hitting their wife and kids is very normalised. I feel stupid when I even try to talk about it because I know a lot of people are in worse situations than me. But I need to do something, I can’t take it anymore.
My dad has always been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive towards my mom and me (17F). I’ve stopped talking to him since January last year. We live in the same house but don’t talk or look at each other.
Once when I was a baby, he hit her so hard her upper layer of teeth broke in half. She spent the day bleeding and swollen until her friend saw it and took her to a dentist. He’s dangerous. When I was 13 in the eighth grade, he held my head under a bucket of water and told me he was doing the world a favour by killing a burden like me. His exact words. My mom luckily intervened.
When I was 16, he punched me until I fell down, then kicked me when I couldn’t get up, and then dragged me by the hair. He’s very manipulative so he always blames my mom and I for “forcing” him to do this. When I was a kid I’d joke about it and tell him I see stars when he hits me. Later i realised they were concussions.
He does the same to my mom. Recently he hit her about two weeks ago. I have a recording of him saying to his father “mera ispe haath uth gaya tha”. And I have messages to my friends telling them about everything he’s been doing.
He’s not sane. Once he was drunk. He locked us inside the room with him and blocked the door. He started saying the usual shitty things about us that were a burden to him, he hates us, etc. He wanted to feel superior and wanted me to respect him, so he took a knife and cut himself in the arm and smeared his blood on me to scare me.
I’ve told his sister everything. His father knows, but he’s a narcissist (I’m not exaggerating, he’s actually a narcissist). My mom’s family has known for years.
I wouldn’t have complained or raised a voice if I wasn’t so bitter. It’s not only the abuse, but he genuinely hates our guts because he never wanted to be a husband or a father. He’s losing his sanity. His father and siblings drain him out monetarily and emotionally, and he gets so frustrated he takes it out on us. But he worships them and craves their validation. I’m scared he’ll do something. I had my board exams this year and even then he told me he doesn’t care, if I say anything to him at all, he’ll break an arm or a leg. And I know he’s serious, it’s not an empty threat.
He was in kolkata once working in his early 20s. He got drunk and half murdered a random stranger. Police chased him but he ran away and his company suppressed the case. He paid the man’s hospital bills, but I know he’s capable of so much worse to my mumma and I, whom he has such a deep hatred for.
What do I do? Is there anything we can do? My mom is planning to live seperately. She doesn’t earn much, 30k in Pune, but we’ll manage. The problem is that I’m afraid of him twisting the narrative and getting us in trouble or something. He’s very cunning. He threatens us that he has recordings and proof of something, but isn’t telling us what it is. We sometimes say things in anger when he’s saying them to us too, but he could’ve edited it or kept it out of context and he might present it somewhere. I want him to feel the pain we’ve been feeling for years.
Is there anything we can do? I can’t look at my mom so broken everyday and crying. I’m burned out emotionally too.
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VGod damn man, that was hard to read, hugs to you yaar. My father also hit my mother once and my mother slapped him back. I was in 3rd or 4th class at the time, and I dragged my mother out of the house to my grandparents house which thankfully was only 500m away. Since then they have been separated and recently got divorced. I’d say your best bet is to gather evidence as much as you can, and go to a police station and report the incident to the authorities. This shit is serious man, please take care of yourself, trying to drown one’s own daughter is fucked up. All the best, man and again some more hugs
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Hthank you so much for the kind words. I’m so proud of your mom for not taking it silently and standing up for herself. I’m sorry, I know being a child of divorce is very tough, but kudos to you for sticking with her and accepting the reality.
And again, thank you so much for saying this. I was afraid people would make fun of me ranting about something like this when every Indian household faces this.
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COP, this is NOT normal, and “every” Indian household does NOT face this. The sooner you acknowledge this the better, because it’ll help you fight for all your rights. I’m not a lawyer and I understand seeking legal help could backfire, but I don’t feel it’s worth living like this. I agree with u/AbhiAintNew – seek help from an adult or NGO first (without making it public), live separately settle down, then file a legal case on your father and fight it with your all.
You’re a strong woman, and I pray all goes well for you and your mom.
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Cget evidence as much aa possible , some type of security installation even better althoughi don’t know how you’ll do that if he does other things like animal abuse or financial inconsistencies etc look for them
narcissistic people are charming & clever .
op don’t ever get emotional around this man it’ll fuel him more.
you guys need court order even if you stay separately , so you can do shit if shows up at your new place .
don’t diminish your hurt becuase someone somewhere has it worse , it’s horrific everything that has been happening to you and your mother , everything you feel about this man and this situation is valid , it’s not your fault . I believe in you , you’ll get out of this . your exhaustion is understandable.
I’m not a law person unfortunately but I can helpmyou with online mental health resources.
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HThank you for the reply!
Yes you’re right. I’ve been emotional in front of him many times, and it always backfired.
I’ll look into a court order and what it requires.Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.
Also, could you share the online mental health resources? It’d be very helpful. Thank you again!
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BThe thing is we normalised this and men get away with this. Even in today’s generation men aren’t very different.
I know most of them shave this same upbringing and similar environment. So i don’t like engaging with men in this country, Sorry I’m not sorry. All Desi men are scary in one way or another. Narcissist, toxic, manipulative and abusive. The sad thing is people let them be and expect women to tolerate it. -
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SThis does not happen in few houses much less all. This feels like rage bait. Too many holes in this story too.
Anyways your father can’t do anything. Gather as much evidence you can, contact a lawyer secretly and prepare to get far away.
Best of luck.
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SHey sweetheart, I can’t say that I fully understand your pain nor can I give you any legal advice as such…but I’m a person that can listen to your problems and help you out emotionally. Please feel free to message me if you ever need to talk or vent….anytime.
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HHey! Thank you so, so much for offering to help. Even having someone to talk to goes a long way in situations like these. It means a lot to me.
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SPlease feel free to vent as much as you’d like. I wouldn’t mind helping you out as what you’re going through is truly traumatic and can have a lasting impact on your life. Especially when you’re alone and cannot trust anyone you just need a stranger to whom you can vent. So just feel free to be completely honest and vent whenever you’d like…either here or privately. Take care of yourself.
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PMy love, I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your mom. I’d say you reach out to an NGO ASAP!
Try dialling 1098 which is the child helpline number. If you can, try getting your friends’ parents(s) involved. Your goal is to make it out of that hellhole. If you have to, hit him back with something heavy like a utensil or a chair or anything at all, that should buy you some time to run out of the house. And maybe start packing your essentials discreetly. Be very careful. I’ll try looking for people/organizations that could be of help to you two. Stay strong love, your lives are going to become better henceforth, I promise. -
MWhile domestic violence and emotional abuse are normalized in Indian households as a rule, what you’re going through is much more severe than the usual level of physical violence. People usually use the idea that “ok it waSnt serious” to minimize their experiences. But even those people can’t minimize your experiences.
If you can make yourself physically safe from him, then I wouldn’t worry about the rest. He may try to cook up stuff about you but it’s very hard for a grown man to pretend he is being victimised by wife and minor daughter. If you can record anything with phone in pocket, you can keep that as evidence along with medical records.
But yes, getting away safely and keeping him out of your life in all ways needs to be the priority
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PEvery single time he physically hurts you or your mother, go to a hospital nearby and ask them to register a Medico Legal Case (MLC). One or two incidents with minor injuries police may consider it as household fights and may not do anything about it. But this will help you when your mother has to file a Domestic Violence case or Contested Divorce case. Even today if there is any injury, you can go to a hospital and get treated and ask them to register it as MLC.
Don’t normalize DV. Every perpetrator of DV says that it is the victim’s fault that he’s/ she’s abusing the victim. this is how the victims are kept quiet. You are brave to speak about it and wanting to take a step against it.
Your mother can choose to separate from him. For better reasons, she can file a Domestic Violence case, where she can seek Protection, shelter, maintenance and such other civil remedies. [https://divorcebylaw.com/domestic-violence-lawyer-in-bangalore-india/](https://divorcebylaw.com/domestic-violence-lawyer-in-bangalore-india/)
Then she can file a contested divorce case seeking divorce from him on the grounds of cruelty. [https://divorcebylaw.com/best-contested-divorce-lawyers-in-bangalore/](https://divorcebylaw.com/best-contested-divorce-lawyers-in-bangalore/)
Collect evidence of his cruel behavior as much as you can. It can be video/ audio recordings, photographs, medical reports, etc.
For further clarification you can consult us [https://g.co/kgs/E2hEa9f](https://g.co/kgs/E2hEa9f)
**Disclaimer:** In the absence of all the facts of the case, the comments given may not be the best solution for your case. One on one consultation with a legal counsel/ advocate is advised to get better guidance.
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