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SNeed an urgent advice/help.
Gf (soon to be engaged with) got sexually as**ulted yesterday night in a house party with office friends. I’m out of India as of now and I can’t keep my cool since she narrated me the whole deal of events.
So her friends (a couple and a friend/office colleague) asked her to come for a sort of bachelorette party. She went there as she had been with them (especially the couple) many times. They drank (not much though as per her). The couple went to a room, gf to another room, and the other male guy slept at the couch in hall. Gf didn’t lock the door out of courtesy so that the guy could use washroom at night (biggest mistake). At around 4 AM, she woke up to that guy forcing himself upon her and murmuring some sexual words. She took a few seconds to gain senses but by that time that guy pulled down her garment for a second. She immediately realised what was happening and threw him away and started shouting and crying. That scumbag then started facing wall and started murmuring something in order to pretend he is completely drunk. The most striking thing is that guy is married for more than a year and his wife is Asst Prof in a very reputed university. This guy, gf and other couple also work for a very reputed government organization.
Anyways, the couple came in immediately. They were also shocked. That couple had been to various trips including abroad together with this guy. He never seemed or radiated any such negative vibes. They are also feeling extremely guilty for landing my gf in such a situation.
However, she started to leave for her home in the morning. That guy started crying and murmuring sorry and all shit. She just slammed the door and left. She got hold of his wife’s contact and informed everything to her. Needless to say she was equally shocked and asked that guy to come to her city immediately (he is going there today, his wife works in different city).
Now my gf was hesitant in informing me immediately as I’m on a leisure trip abroad with my friends. But she broke down and narrated everything. I have been feeling a lot of rage since then. Mostly gf is recovering and doing somewhat better. I called that guy and abused him a lot. Told him what a piece of shit he was. That guy made ‘bride to be’ tag for her for the party and the night committed that assualt.
Now the thing is I’m loosing my cool. I’m asking gf to press POSH and legal charges against that guy but she has her own reasons which are to be honest, beyond my comprehension. For her, informing her wife was the best she could do and she’s not ready to proceed with other legal proceedings, she says things stopped before any mishap. But these things were themselves a mishap for me. I don’t know what to do now. Planning to give that guy a good thrashing as soon as I return to India. I’m loosing my cool at the same time not able to digest what has just happened. I guess gf is the one who was in that situation and obviously it’s her choice to opt the way for handling for all this. But still. I don’t know. I’m quite restless and unable to keep cool. Please suggest some way out or future course of action for this situation. -
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UNAL
hey i am sorry this happpened to you, however supporting your GF and taking her side was one of the best and most important steps you could take. You next step is to calm down and make sure you do not so anything out of haste. verbal abuse and physically hitting someone can get you into jail
You were unable to explain why your GF didnt want to complain against the guy but because you talk about POSH, I am going to assume she works with him
Your GF may not want to complain as she is afraid she will lose her job or it will affect the dynamics she has at work. However she must understand by letting him go, she is causing more harm to herself than good. There are a few options for her
1. seek therapy. She is extremely traumatised and proper help will help her understand what happened with her and give her the strength to complain. You may also consider therapy for yourself as witnessesing someone you love being harassed is extremely traumatising as well and is not talked about enough in society
2. Ask her to get in touch with a employment/POSH lawyer who can assist her with making anonymous complaint to the HR and posh. While POSH does not explicitly state the vicitm can be anonymouce, if the internal committee allows for it, it is possible. https://ssrana.in/posh-law/articles/anonymity-under-posh-act/#:~:text=While%20the%20POSH%20Act%20does%20not%20explicitly,the%20safety%20and%20confidentiality%20of%20those%20involved.&text=In%20such%20cases%2C%20the%20Committee%20ensures%20the,by%20permitting%20cross%2Dexamination%20only%20through%20written%20questionnaire.
3. If she has the financial power, ask her to search for another job. Who knows how this man may punish her next
4. I have no faith in the criminal system, but she can consider filing an FIR. However understand that this will involve police, investigation and lengthy court dates. if you are able to get an amazing lawyer, you may take this route -
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SIf she wants to go through legal route, she should file FIR as soon as possible and go for medical examination ASAP. But her mental health is more important than anything, so be with her and support her.
Several organizations can provide support to sexual assault survivors:
Durga India (90082 12828) offers trained counselors through their “Take a Step” initiative
Vimochana (080 2549 2781/82/83) assists women subjected to violence with filing complaints and other support
Global Concerns India (98455 18138) educates women about their legal rights
Aweksha (080 4091 3325) provides assistance based on survivors’ individual needs.
Use these resources as need be.
She is also traumatized so prioritize proper therapy sessions so as to give her best chance to process the trauma.
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PNot legal advice, that’s pretty much covered by the other comments. I think you should cut the leisure trip short and come back if you aren’t already doing so. Your gf would need support whichever legal tactic you both decide to adopt. Also, it’s not easy to face this, it’s harder to face this alone. Further, expect the other side to play dirty and you won’t be surprised. The most likely defence that guy would take is that they engaged in a consensual act and then your gf regretted it halfway and started shouting. The door being unlocked etc will be used so.
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Dhey, i am a lawyer and I have seen how gruelling these proceedings can be for the victim.
Please be supportive of what your girlfriend wants and let her take her time to approach authorities if needed. Avoid pressurising her into this.
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E>if needed
Yes, that will be gruelling… no doubt. But, is this personal struggle greater than one’s societal responsibility to create a safer society? Definitely not.
Being a lawyer, and a woman, you should be the one providing her with emotional and logical support for her future struggles.
Really disappointed here. 🙁
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Dwhat…..
I am sorry – have you ever been through something like this? you have no idea what she may be feeling right now that she’s hesitant to immediately take actions and respond to police interrogation which will probably point out her “flaws” and “mistakes”…
why are you acting as if you don’t know how prejudiced the society is towards every fucking woman. I don’t want to make this a man x woman issue but don’t tell me what to do because I am a woman and i should realise better lol
It’s because I am a woman that I am saying that she can take the space she needs before taking some action which will reopen fresh wounds.
Guilting her into this because it’s a societal responsibility is the worst possible approach and will traumatize her further.
Do not infantalize her – she can make the right decision without you or her boyfriend deciding on her behalf.
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EI am really sorry if I was being judgemental. Being a man maybe I can never understand how you guys feel being judged at every step and living in shackles.
>Guilting her into this because it’s a societal responsibility is the worst possible approach and will traumatize her further.
I never wanted to give a guilt trip to you or OP and sincerely apologise if I was being such a d*ck.
Maybe I was triggered by seeing normalisation of such hideous crimes or I was being too idealistic or delusional.
>Do not infantalize her – she can make the right decision without you or her boyfriend deciding on her behalf.
I truly believe in what you said, it is totally her decision how to proceed with this and she is capable of making her choices in life.
SA is never a man x woman issue, and being someone who never gets even close to experiencing this sh*t, my opinion holds lesser regard to yours. I am too idealistic in my approach to life and see things in black and white. This is my character flaw, I recognise this, thank you for pointing it out. I just want society to be a safer place for everyone, and I want to eradicate this from our society.
Bottomline, unconditional apologies from OP, you and all women out there.
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Dhey, thanks so much for apologizing! I am really sorry too if I sounded a bit harsh or came on too strongly – but i am sure you can understand how this can be a tough decision, and it is something close to my heart :/
but once again, thanks a lot! i really, really appreciate that you apologized, it means a lot!
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IComing forward as a victim is extremely hard. Especially in a country like India where purity culture prevails. She might not want to be known as someone who has to experience that and that should be okay
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EYes it is extremely hard, and, sadly, will get even harder when she comes out in the open with what she faced. I agree it is totally her decision how to take things forward, it’s just that I am not okay with this. We need to stand up, even if it means making personal sacrifices, to change how things are around us right now. But that’s just my ideology.
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VLawyer from delhi here!
As a matter of legal procedure, she should immediately write a mail to the HR of the company and also submit a written complaint with the local police where the incident happened.
Then write a mail to the state women’s commission and national women’s commission and that should teach that a guy a good lesson with a jail term for sometime and thereafter she can decide the future of action.
Assaulter is an assaulter, today it’s her tomorrow it could be someone else. She was fortunate to save herself but the other girl might not. So such pervs deserve to be in jail and not roam freely as they are a threat to every woman.
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SShe has done what she could to immediately make him regret it. Good. The man will probably never come in her life again.
Filing an FIR means she has to deal with the event and trauma till he is punished. That’s mental torture of months or years.
From a mental peace point of view, her decision makes sense.
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HI’m glad you are standing as a solid support.. Try to avoid bringing up this Convo for both of your own good till you return to the country as she is already a victim and discussing this again and again is just gonna make her feel more insecure.. even after u return, take her out somewhere and spend quality time and shower her with some beautiful gifts making her feel special.. After few days, you can just ask her for first and last time if she would like to file a complaint, if she sticks to a no , respect her choice and you can just have a call with his wife and make sure that he gets the punishment from his home (I’m sure d wife will know what to do in this situation) more than punishing him, I would suggest you to make her feel better and normal.. That’s more important at this moment
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ISorry for the incident. Firstly what your soon to be wife did was incorrect, Tell her and you too set your priorities straight in life. It’s always wise to maintain distance with office colleagues. Nowadays it’s call liberation and forward thinking to do ones will. Sorry for being rude & sounding like an ancient, Things nowadays aren’t as they used to be before. Drinks, Parties Etc are good once a while but shouldn’t be made into a lifestyle with some XYZ. Staying at someone else’s place these days is always a risky proposition when you’re indulging in such activities. If you really want a closure, Inform law enforcement agencies. Reddit won’t help, You’ve to collate facts & barge ahead to charge the individual. Don’t get into any trashing Etc as these events will be a double edge sword. Protect yourself and your future interests, Stay calm and avoid any impulsive actions. As they say respond but do not react. And in future you or your soon to be wife if you both like drinking so much better sit together that’s the best way out, Learn it as a unfortunate lesson to alarm you that’s it. If you think calmly you’ll realise these could’ve been easily avoided provided you know what you want in life.
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UIf I were to ask this question… if it was a guy wearing thick gold chains and expensive watch etc walking around a rough neighborhood drunk…and he gets robbed of his stuff… Would you ascribe some amount of responsibility on this guy?
ps: Robbery is a crime of course and obviously it is responsibility of our govt to cities safer, etc etc.
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LShe didn’t go out and got drunk with shady men from a rough neighbourhood. She went to celebrate her colleagues and friends’ wedding. She went to a bachelor kind of party. Saying this is equivalent to telling women to dress modest, don’t go out at night to not be raped.
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Uand she is not a he and didn’t get robbed.
My question is hypothetical and was intended to serve as a analogy that some situations increase risk of certain outcomes and it is somewhat in our responsibility and control to avoid/minimize risk of those situations.
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LYes, i agree you have to be careful, but she didn’t do anything that would put her in risk, maybe not locking yht door was a mistake but that’s not the first thing you say to a victim. You change the narrative of who’s fault it is. Majority of the women who go through sexual abuse suffer at that hands of someone they know, how do you avoid/ minimise bring abused from your friends and family. She as a woman have been through enough shit for a lifetime, she knows what to do to ‘avoid’ certain situation. She regrets locking yht door already, there’s no need to push it on her face and make her feel like it was her fault
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IFurther, Even filing a FIR won’t be so easy believe me.
As first thing you’ll be asked is, Did you intentionally visit the premises ? Etc. Also complaint to HR won’t be of much use as it’s not the interest of company to what happens outside unless there’s a reputation at stake like legal case or police involved.
It will be long questioning with all involved at the place, & Everyone’s answers will be examined to come to a conclusion. Sorry to ask you as you’ve mentioned which couple goes with a guy to trips abroad ? Either all you involved are highly liberated open minded evolved geniuses or I am missing something here.
The best conclusion profession wise is to change that job/ company as dealing and meeting them daily will only add more salt to wound. -
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