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CI’ve been married for nearly 2 years, but I’ve spent more than a year of that time living at my parents’ house. I still stay there as often as I can. My husband refuses to move out of his parents’ home, and he prioritises them over our relationship. I have no privacy, no personal space, and his family doesn’t speak to me. I’m confined to a room.
They see me as a trophy daughter-in-law for social appearances, not as a person. When I try to communicate this, my husband dismisses me as bratty or selfish, accusing me of not understanding “the family situation.”
This all started with something small. A month into our marriage, I asked for a bookshelf and a study table. He never bought them. I recently bought the table myself. Later, I asked for a separate kitchen within the home for some independence and privacy, but that too was met with strong resistance. His mother was extremely disturbed by the idea, and both she and my husband firmly refused.
Despite running a successful business and recently buying a flat outright (no loans), he insists on living with his parents, and the decisions (financial and otherwise) they make without my opinions are “for my future,” a statement that feels patronising and dismissive. There’s been *zero* compromise from his side. When I raise concerns or express my needs, he accuses me of brainwashing him and turning him against his parents.
He has refused couples counselling, deflects during every serious conversation, and never focuses on the core issues. I’m made to feel like *I* am the problem for simply asking for a life of dignity and mutual respect.
I’m not after his money or property. I just want peace of mind—and the jewels my parents gave me during the marriage (It is in a joint locker under his & I’s name).
In private, things seem fine when I don’t express my needs. But during any serious discussion or conflict, he deflects and tries to make *me* the issue instead of addressing the real problems. And so I don’t know how to bring up divorce or separation, I am not afraid of being seen as the bad guy. But at the same time, I don’t know how to tell my parents either.
I feel emotionally suffocated. What are my options, legally and personally?
I would appreciate any guidance.
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CWhy do you need to soft launch a divorce?
You just need to communicate to your partner that you’re not happy with the relationship and get started with the process.
Do you have your support system in place and will you be able to manage by yourself once separated?
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CThank you for saying ‘soft launch’. I didn’t realise until now that this is what I was trying to do.
I have my parents for support. But I am waiting for them to understand that I have done everything I can and more to save this marriage.
I have dropped hints, and they have picked them up. Now, they are trying to see if my father can talk and possibly smack some sense into my husband. I know it’s a futile effort, but I am their daughter, and they have to try.
Hope that makes sense.
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COh. I completely understand your sentiment. Plus, even if you’re assertive (which you seem like and that’s uncommon, so you’re doing good), that doesn’t mean the society will understand.
Plus, I understand the concern of parents. So, you’re doing good.
I’m just happy you didn’t take the soft launch comment negatively.
This journey may take time, but you will come through. Stay strong.
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SNAL.
This is so well written, with optimal amount of articulation and breaks. You should really get that study table and shelf and write the entire novel.
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SIdk about legal procedures since I’m 21 but whatever is going on in ur life doesn’t seem right and I hope you’re doing well.
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BHow long have u been married?
What are his and your thoughts about children?
How is your sex life?
Talk with your parents about the problems you are having, they can help
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C1 year 8 months
We both want them. But we have very different ideas on Parenting.
Non-existant
They are doing their best.
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B-> Getting married again after a divorce is very difficult
-> If u r less than 30 then u can get someone who also divorced without children but if u r age is above 30 then u may have compromise by marrying someone who also have children from previous marriage
-> 35-36 getting pregnant naturally starts to become difficult and ivf is a very painful and bad experience
-> What i suggest is to compromise and try your best for the next 6 months to a year in this marriage, make your fil and mil and husband aware of the problem you r facing, involve your parents, someone elder also who both the family respect
-> Marriage councellor for husband and wife, 2-3 sessions for fil and mil
-> I am unmarried person, I don’t experience how things are for married couples, so don’t give much weightage to my suggestions
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CI understand this pov.
But you can’t force people to attend counselling when they don’t want to. And it’s not my life’s purpose to devote my young years to changing them. They should have to emotional quotient to realise and do that themselves.
And this advice ain’t for me. I am not looking to get married after this. I only want to focus on myself and my career. Earn well, travel and take care of my parents.
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PDeeply moved by your situation, I wrote this post for those currently navigating the marriage market.
[How Not to Step Into A Messy Divorce: A Wake-Up Call for Anyone Getting Married in the Next 1-2-5 Years](https://www.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceIndia/s/mt4sEGdp2C)
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MContact a lawyer and file a divorce. The most you can do is suggest your husband to go for mutual divorce for things to go smoothly. If he doesn’t agree to it, it’s on him.
Do not file fake cases or ask for big amount of alimony and maintenance. You will stretch the case unnecessary. Just get back things that belong to you and leave him for good.
Do not fall for compromise, mediation or even couple therapy. Men like your husband are basically misogynistic. A couple-therapy isn’t going to fix his hateful and oppressive views on women. Even if he relents to your views to keep the marriage, he will resent you, blame you and taunt you for rest of your married life.
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PWhy are you so worried about what you parents will think? You know you are suffering with no room for improvement whatsoever from his side. Don’t waste time with a notice. Contact a lawyer and send a summons for divorce to your husband – drop it on him like a bomb! 💣
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CI am waiting for my parents because I don’t want to hurt them. They are understanding, and they only want what’s best for me. We have a good relationship, and I don’t want to abandon it for some guy whom I won’t remember in a couple of years.
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PThey will get more hurt seeing you suffocated and suffering like this, than getting free from this predicament. What is best for you? Staying in a so called marriage where your thoughts and feelings don’t matter, or remarrying into a good and empathetic family where there is mutual love and respect among husband, wife and her in-laws?
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DYou can start by speaking to a lawyer. I am NAL but you need to speak to a divorce lawyer and possibly an NGO that helps women since your husband’s family seem to be quite moneyed. I think, and this is pure speculation, that the family not talking to you amounts to abuse. I can also speculate that not giving a study table and a bookshelf amounts to financial abuse. However its best that a lawyer clarifies these things. Your husband has to stay in the confines of his family dynamics or his pocket money gets cut off (assuming he is in the family business) since he keeps saying “family situation”. You need professional advice stat.
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CThe thing is, He is the family business. It’s his business, not his parents. That is why I tried to talk and make him understand my issues, too. He acts as if it is all his parents’ money. Everything he has is in his parents’ names. He doesn’t ‘own’ anything.
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DIf he is doing that and thinks that it will protect him from any payouts during divorce proceedings, he is highly mistaken. Any assets he has bought after marriage will be scrutinized and the source of funds will be identified. They are professionals and you should seek professional help. There are lots of things that border of narcisstic behaviour and you need a professional’s help.
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BI think with little effort you can solve this instead of written and essay have to tried inform your husband about this feeling..what steps have you taken to improve your situation…
Based on your replies i think you don’t want to solve the situation in your head you had taken decision….it is wrong one according to me…
Instead you should have tried to spend more time with husband irrespective of anything
Taking divorce is stupidity if you don’t have valid reason….
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LMy sister is in the same condition. Trophy wife, no privacy, even about the jewelleries. I have suggested her a separation. As a brother, that was probably the worst yet the most logical suggestion I have ever given to her. But she is hesitant. At least you have courage to bring it up. Don’t think about it much as you have support of your family. Tell him how unhappy you are with him and you don’t see anything nice in this marriage.
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CI have told him that too.
I told him (Not in a threatening way) that if things don’t change, I’ll move out of the house and I’ll only care about myself.
Even after that, there is no response from him.
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WWhat makes u think he will do 360 n start caring for you all of sudden? It wont happen . Start preparing your parents for the news and meet a lawyer . Tell his parents and him that you will get separated n you have met lawyer . Your husband n in laws will love bomb you . Don’t fall for it . Your parents will tell these are common issues and wife need to adjust n they will try to guilt you asking you to think about their respect in society . Don’t fall for it . They will tell you everything will be fine after baby , don’t fall for it . Get out of this marriage before you have baby with a wrong man
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PThere is no easy way to tell someone about divorce. You need to be firm but understanding. Just tell him that you are not happy and since things are not working out, you will move out and then file for mutual divorce.
Few things to keep in mind here.
1. A lot of emotional things will be said. Don’t give into that. People rarely change and neither will your husband and in laws.
2. Move out to your parents house. I have seen a few cases where somehow people end up having a kid and then one person suffers rest of their life.
3. People who stand by you now are the ones you really care about you. Anyone who tries to change your decision is not someone you want in your life later on.
4. After the initial phase of trying to persuade you to change your decision, things may get ugly with accusations about you and your family. Be strong. And don’t say anything that might get recorded and used against you later.I know that divorce hurts and hurts badly. But sometimes you got to do what you got to do. I wish you the very best for your life ahead.
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NFor jewels, ask them to hand over them if you decide to proceed with divorce. If they refuse, you can threaten them with alimony.
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Cso ur problem is why is he prioritising his parents rather than u which is his right .. And u have problem with being called as exploitative and destroying his freedom
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CI have no problem with him prioritising his parents.But shouldn’t he prioritise me too? At least when it comes to matters that concern me or only us? Is that too much?
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SYou need to rip the bandage out and from what I read your requests seem reasonable and not crazy. But then again living separately might be a topic that should have been spoken before marriage.
Please first talk to your parents and discuss on options. Get your jewelry out from his possession. Don’t make rash decisions but rather calculated. Once your parents think it’s safe leave.
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