- This topic has 16 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 3 months ago by
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SThinking of a grey divorce
52f here, married to a 55M since 1992. 2 kids- grown and settled. We have had a dead bedroom since 2016 after some big differences.
Back in 2000 there was a note from him to someone which I had found in his stuff mentioning himself as single and looking for uncomplicated S***al relationship. Internet was new back then. I accosted him and as per him- nothing ever happened. Back then I was 29 years old and our kids very small.
There was one more instance in 2004 when we had a fight and I decided to divorce and move out but he created a scene and broke some stuff and banged his head etc on the wall( in front of parents and kids) broke the TV but didn’t agree to divorce.
Thereafter, I quit trying and somehow kept managing while also working.
For many years he wasn’t able to get it up for me owing to ED and almost always I ended up giving him a hand job until 2016 and a few times later with nothing in it for me.
My libido took a total plunge after menopause. Sometime back post covid (about 2 yrs ago) my SO asked for permission to engage with other people/ open the marriage because of his s**** needs.
I told him to divorce me and go ahead. We are middle class and kids are grown & settled.
He was always short with me almost always when we were home post work even for trivial reasons and somewhat manipulative… I have never felt loved or cherished in my entire life with this person but kind of always having to look over my shoulder and watch out.
That time he said he wouldn’t divorce me and manage to get by.
But then I found out accidentally in Nov 24 some locked chats on his WA on the mobile… and that he has on the quiet, been having a liaison with someone at his office since 2023 and even after we moved to a different state for work ( together) he has been using the internet for video calls with that person and getting off.
I find it to be extremely repulsive and disrespectful towards me that he is willing to do stuff clandestinely and use deception…. When I had given him the option to be free and live his life in the way he wishes.
I also feel he might have been doing this to me since a long long time ( 2016) and feel quite done with him. I also saw he has Tinder on his mobile- probably for casual hookups in the metro city we live in.
I have confronted him and he has denied it completely but later on admitted to some of it when I sent him pics of his chats & some dirty pics of that person.
I am deeply hurt about his loose behaviour on the side while staying in the marriage especially when I was willing to separate and allow him to do as he wished, without holding anything against him.
Many times in the past I have requested for separate bedrooms for us but even that isn’t acceptable to him.
I feel he has defiled the marriage bed and there are 3 people here. Almost all of last year he has been checked out of the relationship looking only for his own needs and wants… while ignoring me almost completely. I have also been ignoring him and been at peace… communication at a minimum.
Meanwhile, He had been having loving chats with his AP on the side.
I feel so done with this person and feel the extreme urge to end this relationship.
I am an independent working woman and have a few years till retirement and possibly a pension. He is a pensioner already.
His mum ( my MIL) and he stay with me in our govt accommodation in my name.
Post confrontation in Feb 25, he agreed that he was indeed involved with the AP but denied having anything physical with her or anyone else.
Last two weeks he has been trying to make up with me and I am vacillating between going ahead with a divorce or staying in a separate bedroom under the same roof. My MIL has never been unkind to me, despite my SO being a different story.
My parents & kids have said they are with me whatever I decide. Is it advisable to go for a divorce or manage like I have for several years ( 3 decades) and now I have a room to myself.
I made him undergo STI panel and it has come negative.
I have adequate pictorial & video evidence of his online affair. But is that even considered as infidelity and will the court consider it, if I file for divorce?
Right now my MIL is alive, so he will behave… also my boss/ my kids are know all about this. My SO is very much aware that he is totally cornered and hence on best behaviour after his return.
But after MIL passes away ( a few years later) I have no idea what he might get up to… hence request advice as to which would be the best option – to continue staying separately in same house or to end it.
Thanks for reading my sordid life story.
We have at least 20 good years left to live.
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UOf course one should be loyal and his cheating should not be tolerated. But you are both 55 plus. You prominently mention a dead bedroom. This is the age of “vanprastha” as per our traditions. This is the time to devote to create base for the eventual end of life in another 15-20 years. This is not the age to find other sexual partners by separating from him. Think of your kids. If they are married and settled – imagine the impact on their spouses and their in-laws. Take everything into consideration.
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Vhaha the hypocrisy of indian man, dictating a women around for divorce, and finding a partner rightly(which she even didn’t mention she wants).
but completely ignoring, cheater, husband completly. lol
looks like you sre doing the same as her husband, and caught off guard after reading a post.
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Vnot leagal advice,
as a 24f, daughter of, a 55f who never gets, a courage to divorced, and lives in a horrible marriage,
i would say as from children pov, please go ahead i begg you to do that.
and its been so long now its not about him being a cheater, its about how much you repect yourself, cuz if you stay in this, at the end you gonna loose respect for your own self, and regret. nothing is worsen than this.
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MI think you are a strong independent women who deserve to be treated better. You should move on with your life and lose the stress this person is causing you.
I am 20 years younger to you and divorcing my husband for this exact reason. Reading your narrative i realised my husband would have put me in loop and kept cheating when ever given a chance.
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SAgree with what you said. Reading up on narcissistic personality disorder. Also feel that his internal guilt caused by cheating contributed a lot to his ED, anger issues and the incessant snappiness towards me most of the time.
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SED is very common at his age. In fact, in the international subs, its often advised to use ED pills, and expand the definition of sex into other kinds of intimacy (toys, oral etc).
Back to your question. First of all, meet a divorce lawyer. They would be able to tell you the best way to move towards a divorce. It may even be possible that 2 years of separate living might be a major factor even if the husband refuses. Also, its possible that when you actually move out, he may find it better and be more OK with a divorce.
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P1. I feel you’ve had enough. It’s time to enjoy your life rather supporting an ungrateful person. You are not going to lose anything. He is dependent on you and he is taking advantage of your kindness. File for a divorce on the grounds of Adultery with whatever proof you have and cruelty owing to the emotional and mental cruelty that have been through. Read more about the procedure here [https://divorcebylaw.com/best-contested-divorce-lawyers-in-bangalore/](https://divorcebylaw.com/best-contested-divorce-lawyers-in-bangalore/)
2. You are independent, working woman who can afford a quality life. Make sure all your assets are safeguarded so that you have enough for your sustenance post divorce and post retirement. [https://divorcebylaw.com/how-to-protect-your-business-during-divorce/](https://divorcebylaw.com/how-to-protect-your-business-during-divorce/)
3. You can still continue your relationship with the Mother-In-Law if you do not want to let go. It is absolutely fine and there are people who have done that before. It’s good that your children would support you on this. You could be going through this dilemma whether to continue with the marriage ignoring all that he’s doing or to get divorced so as to move on. Your husband is expecting you to do the former, because he benefits out of it. But if do the latter, you will definitely feel liberated, you will find a new zeal and definitely a new meaning to your life. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about it. There is no fault on you, you are not abandoning him. It was his choice to cheat on you, hence the fault is with him.
If you need more clarification on the legal part of the divorce please feel free to consult us [https://g.co/kgs/Lyt8ekr](https://g.co/kgs/Lyt8ekr)
**Disclaimer:** In the absence of all the facts of the case, the comments given may not be the best solution for your case. One on one consultation with a legal counsel/ advocate is advised to get better guidance.
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