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UI dated this guy for a year before marrying him, he was overly romantic and went out of his way to flirt with me at the start. My friends noticed that he was always very conscious of what people talked about him. When we had a few fights he forbid me from telling anyone about it. Now that he has “gotten” me, he has lost all interest. He doesn’t come home from work until 2 AM, talking about it always ends up in a big fight. He gets very defensive, and today he ended up hitting me. My arm is all red and swollen.
He perhaps did it in the heat of the moment without intending to hit so badly but he refuses to apologise or even acknowledge it. He says I always cry for smallest things. He even convinced me not to visit a therapist saying do not go down that hole.
Please help on what should I do. Am I overreacting? -
UThat is the start of domestic violence, and he’s showing classic narcissistic traits. It is text-book example of the first steps. Love bombing in the early stage, gaslighting and manipulating is where you seem to be at and he’s grooming you to take the blame for him “having to deal with you and your behavior”. I have never heard anyone being able to change a person like that.
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UNot legal advice. This can end in the following ways:
You leave now and build a happy life with someone else
You leave 10 years later after he beats you to near death for the 100th time
Your kids grow up abused and watching their mother abusedPlease save yourself as soon as possible. Don’t fall into the delusion that there’s anything worth saving left here
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UViolence isn’t a red flag, it’s a deal breaker. Leave him.
And if for some reason you can’t get yourself to do that, then document it. Pictures, tell trusted people. He might try to downplay it, tell you it’s your fault or make other excuses. Talking about it and saving proof saves you from being gaslighted.
Do not let him cut you off from your friends, family or any other support system. Abusers always ALWAYS try to isolate you.
You have the choice and perhaps the privilege to walk away now before he pulls you in deeper. Please do so.
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USomeone hitting their wife black and blue is not acceptable [period]. Unfortunately, it may happen again. Please try to protect yourself from any kind of physical or mental violence at all cost.
Ideally get a medical done from a doctor immediately and get it documented with the stamp and sign of the hospital. Keep all documents, conversations and phone call recording safe.
Move out as soon as possible. Don’t fall in the trap of it is a one time thing – aage se nahi hoga. All discussions can very well be done once your safety is guaranteed.
Inform both sides, then take it from there.
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UYou are no way overreacting, how can he even hit you,
Felt like he doesn’t care about you, 2am what he is doing till that time, it’s difficult to take tough decision but you have to think, do you want to leave in fear of happening same thing, do you want to be with person who doesn’t give shit,ask yourself why are you with him?
How hiting justify?
How therapy is bad if someone is going through tough time? I think his belief system looks different from yoursIt’s your descision, think about long term benefits not short term, lavish wedding doesn’t mean you have to stay. If this happens to my sister I would say come back your life is more important for me then money, money I will earn but if I lose you I will regret
Hope you find your answer
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UPlease do not let anything justify this action in your head and do not let this act of aggression pass by him without any repercussions.
However you choose to handle this, this is going to be a turning point in your life.
There’s really only one scenario where this might happen and even then, if this happens, up until that very moment it should be very clear that the things are not working out to at least one of the partner.
My only advice – make sure he realises that his acts has impacts that affects his and others life.
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UUnder no circumstances should you accept this violent and toxic behaviour. You must leave straight away. The only reason for you to continue to work on the relationship(while living away)should be if he takes accountability and agrees to individual therapy as well as couple’s therapy. If you accept his behaviour you are just perpetuating it and it will get worse. Confide in your near and dear friends/family and seek support.
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UInform others see what he is doing to you, he is strategically isolating you so that you cannot seek help. Tell your family and close people about these problems and the hitting. Personally my advise is when things start getting physical like hitting it’s a huge red flag and one should not tolerate and walk out, but I don’t know your life situation so I cannot advise you to walk out. If this is one stray incident u may not have to take such a drastic step but what if this is the begining. Gather evidence, start confiding in others don’t let him isolate you and yes don’t get intimate with him, deny all intimacy till he apologises and begs.
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UPlease for all things sacred take pictures of yourself right now to preserve a record of the injuries. Any discussion about him hitting you, even the denial of it do it via text or whatsapp so you have written documentation. Definitely tell your family. His family might make excuses. Do not get pregnant under any circumstance. Leave NOW! Any man who hits you once will hit you again. And especially if they think there’s nothing wrong to behave this way.
Hear me please when I say this: If you do not leave him, you’re literally teaching him that if he hits you it is acceptable to you and you will tolerate that behavior. Then he will cross another boundary and will be more physically violent than the first time. And physical violence comes with emotional harm too.
If you don’t leave, you will experience more of the same, with increased intensity/frequency.
And get therapy to understand why you think someone has the right to hit you in the heat of the moment.
I have had many heated moments but never have I ever thought I should lay my hand on another human being because I am heated.
Please get help.
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UWhat he did is domestic violence. In other countries people get locked up for that. He might not want you to speak to speak to anyone about it, because he wants hide his violence, protect his image and avoid prosecution. Behaviour like his tends to escalate. Walk out and tell friends / family what he’s done so that there’s a record of it when he tries to gaslight you in the future.
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UWALK OUT NOW. do not second guess your own feelings or try to make excuses for him. Your silence will embolden him to do this again. Remember the movie THAPPAD ? It shouldn’t even happen once. Please, please, please, move out — to your friends or family, and prepare for separation. There’s never justification for abuse.
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UI am sorry that you had gone through this. You are definitely not overreacting. He shouldn’t have hit you in the first place. I assure that if it happens once, it will happen again. And please don’t let this happen again, otherwise it will become a cycle. If he continuously harasses, please separate from him. It’s better to live alone than tolerate all this shit
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UMy mother in law is 80. She never left her husband who started beating her since about 1960. He beat her for 50 years. Now he has severe Parkinson’s and he is still spectacularly cruel to her as she cleans his urine or makes his lunch. Please learn from her mistakes. Your life trajectory can be so much better.
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ULeave him Immediately without any second thoughts. He is not even acknowledging his mistake and moreover even if he did then also you shouldn’t stay. This is the start of you getting into cycle of domestic violence. Once you start pushing your limits, you are not going to know when to start. Leave him, file a complaint, let both the families know and keep the proof of your face. You shouldn’t be staying with him even for a single more second. And please visit a therapist after to get out of this.
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UOP: This is the right time and you have evidence. Get a clear out. I suggested the same to someone I knew and she didn’t.
Now she doesn’t have evidence, her mother-in-law mentally exploit her and her husband lives in another city, barely visit her, talk rash to her whenever he does, and definitely have extra marital affairs, perfectly covering all his shitty behaviour under Esckon temple visits and religious posts.
Go out, do it. It never gets better. Never….
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UGive him a chance and if happens again then leave him. Hitting is not allowed and it should be communicated that he is getting a last chance. Talk about life and not romance all the time and clear your future path which you wanna go as a new chapter has begun. You can’t stick to nostalgia. Move along.
Look at things he find annoying about you and it may improve. that’s the limit. Don’t think baby for 3 yrs atleast or you are done after that if it happens again.
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UPlease do not get pregnant at any cost. This is very alarming, for most of a deal breaker, if you want to stay then monitor his behavior for a while more and draw a clear line and let him know raising his hand isn’t acceptable. Do NOT let this slide off lightly, please. Take care OP, I’d say get a divorce but considering it’s a lavish wedding tons of money has been invested so that might be enough reason to give this some time, but never the less this is a major red flag. Make sure you draw this boundary firmly and if this happens again, WALK AWAY! All the best Op
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UAll signs of an abusive relationship: initial Lovebombing, violence, the victim trying to downplay it, gaslighting by saying victim gets worked up by small things, not letting anyone else know about it, specially not a professional.
Please go to a therapist or your family/friends who would be supportive. Do not stay in this relationship just because of social norms and stigma about marriage problems. If it happened once, and there is not even acknowledgment, you bet it will happen again. And its not a matter of how hard or heat of the moment or whatever. It is extremely easy to not hit their wife for a normal husband.
This is not your fault. Many victims of domestic abuse convince themselves that somehow it is their fault or that they deserve it. Please seek a therapist and get the help you need to deal with this.
Hugs
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UDo not make excuses for him hitting you. When a moment gets heated, hitting someone is not how decent people react.
You absolutely need to visit a therapist because it is clear that he is psychologically manipulating you.
And to add to what others are saying – not only will he do it again, but he will also start escalating the violence eventually. No, he will not change and no, you most certainly cannot change him.
Do not surrender your financial independence at any cost. Document every instance of abuse, divorce his ass and get the hell out.
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