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SThis post may be long, please read it though.
I’m well into my teenager days right now and I have a younger brother. My parents, both mom and dad are extremely high level bureaucrats, you perhaps get what I mean. My mother has had an affair with another high level man since 2022(not physical or what we know of). We found out about it in the next year. Then, next year we found out that she got into touch with him a few months later and was talking to him, and that too with another phone. My dad decided to leave it and forget it for the second time. You must be thinking my dad is also a very kind and nice man, though I have seen him in an extremely terrible manner, hitting and everything(once).
I genuinely do not want to stay with these people anymore. My mother refuses to take a divorce.
All I need to do is just leave them. You might consider me to be an ungrateful daughter or anything, but I am writing this after quite some thinking. I have been wanting to write about this since December, but somehow I just couldn’t bring myself to do it until now.
All I care about, is my younger brother right now and I do not want him to go through all of this. He does not even understand how serious the matter is, and I genuinely feel so bad about all of this, especially for him.
Today, we found out she was using Facebook for a long time, and in the messenger app, the section in which the notes part is there, the other man’s picture was also there. I do not know much about how Facebook works, but I hope you get the gist. That person on Facebook has around less than 50 friends, and my mother is one of the few women there. Voh jo notes vaala part hota hai, similar to insta above the chats, usmei usda naam aaya hai.
I have had lot of trauma, and I dislike living in my house. Ghar, ghar hi nahi lagta. I’m closer to my mother than my father, and I have trusted her all this time.
If you read till here, I am extremely thankful. Please do tell me what to do right now. I have important exams. I would also like to emphasise that I am not suicidal or anything, nor is my father or brother.
I’m posting in this sub because I feel the most comfortable here.
Please advise me what to do, and be thankful for having normal parents. I’ve wished for my parents to not be in this position. Mai chahti hu ki mere bhi mummy papa normal ho, mummy housewife ho, aur normal middle class ho. I do not wish to emphasise anymore. I just want to escape this house with my brother, as he is the only man I care for.
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MHey, I read everything you wrote and I just want to say this first you are not ungrateful, right now focus on your exams and future because that’s your way out about leaving: I know how badly you want to just run away with your brother. But you’re still a minor, and that could create even more problem legal ones too. Instead, make a long term plan: finish school, aim for a college with a hostel or somewhere far from home, and slowly build financial independence (like through scholarships or part time work). Once you’re stable and legally an adult, you can create a safe space for both you and your brother.
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Sthank you, I appreciate this. a lot. as of now, my parents are currently fighting in front of me and we’re trying to convince her to take a divorce but she doesn’t agree. I appreciate the words of kindness… I plan to go abroad and study, so hopefully.
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DSorry about your situation. But let me try to be objective here instead of emotional. I have seen these in many families in my many years of life experiences.
How do you know for sure she is having an affair? Apart from social media posts and phone calls? Pardon me for saying this, Have you caught them red handed or something physically speaking? I suspect that is not the case.
After many years in a marriage , Women and Men of that age sometimes go through relationship stresses and issues and might look for a friend to learn on. That other man might be such a friend. Why not give her the benefit of doubt? The relationship between your mother and father is their business mostly, as their child and as a minor I don’t know if you should take that heavy burden on your shoulders to fix their relationship. They will sort it out eventually one way or the other.
Find a time when both are in a reasonable mood and sit with both of them ( send your brother away to play or something) and gently and respectfully but firmly talk to them and tell them their fights and their issues are disturbing your studies and mental health and you are getting depressed or something. Don’t yell at them but you can be emotional. Tears might melt their heart but don’t overdo it.
Ask them to sort it out and make peace between them. Please do not suggest or bring up Divorce as it is their job to figure out and not something you should bring up. It might be important for your family to be together until you join a college atleast.
If your Mother ( and your Father) is physically abusing you or deliberately torturing you mentally and such and depriving you of education and other basic necessities, and endangering the safety of you and your brother then it is a serious issue and you may have to involve other family elders and senior relatives. It seems that is not the case here as per your own description. In that case, give them time to sort it out…Try to forgive them in your mind…
Leave the matter be and just focus fully on the studies and getting into a premier College so that you can earn well and look after your brother if needed in the future.
I am also afraid you might be looking at the whole thing with a huge magnifying glass and a microscope. Fighting parents are pretty common in many houses and even divorces and affairs are also not uncommon now-a-days. It may all be temporary and might go away in the future..
So, I sincerely suggest you give it a benefit of doubt and let it go out of your mind and focus on your studies and look after your brother at home….Wish you all the best…
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S1) firstly, thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.
we have all the phone records and calls, and there are calls even at 12 midnight, and when we told the other man about it, at first he denied. but upon showing all the proofs we collected, he did not respond.
2) I was involved because this has happened multiple times, and if I wasn’t there, the situation would have gotten out of control as my mother is an extremely emotional person and my father when angry, extremely violent.
3) as far as divorce is concerned, the matter has gone so far that even we want divorce, mutual and politely. when my parents were together after it happened, the situation was very tense even at house. you could pretty much feel the awkwardness and tension in the air.
4) my parents have been loving, and that surely counts and I really appreciate them for it. part of this is why I feel so bad or worn out because they have been like that.
5) I know it happens in many places, but it just doesn’t really feel real. I don’t really want this to happen, maybe because my parents had a love marriage and it doesn’t feel good at all about this.
6) thank you stranger, once again. I really appreciate it!!
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UI know how hard it is for you. But please calm down first. Align the things which matter to you first. Take small steps in achieving those. Do not rush about all problems at once, you won’t find your way. If exam is priority think of it. Close your eyes on other bothering topic. Easier said than done. But atleast try doing this. Focus on what’s in your hand and scope to change things for yourself and brother. All the best.
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S1. Learn to detach. Their fights are not your fights. Their state of mind is not yours. If they want to divorce, they will. As you grow older, this tool of staying detached from others problems will prove handy. I know it’s tough considering their your folks, but since you also already want to desperately move out, start with moving out your emotions from that place. Buy a noice cancelling headphone set and wear it whenever they start fighting loud in front of you. It’ll also make them feel small.
2. Don’t think of moving out physically now. Use your financially privileged position to gain access to a high powered academic skillset. Start looking for bachelors degree programs in other countries. Start applying. Leave home with a purpose and reason.
3. Her relationship with person A B C won’t hurt you. Your mum is tied down due to her beaurocratic position. For such people, societal image matters a lot. They won’t make any move publicly to damage that hologram of a happy family. So let her entertain herself with FB and Insta love games.
4. Learn about money and savings. Open a joint account for you and your brother as a backup. And Just In Case.
5. Take therapy if you can. For your own mental health cleansing.
Hope this helps.
Cheers. -
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