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QI have been trying to not ask for general as well as legal advice regarding this but I don’t think I can do that as it is taking a heavy mental toll for me and my parents. So please help me out as I don’t want things to continue this way. I will start from the very beginning and with some family background as well so this post might go very big.
I’m a single child to my parents. My father only has her mother(gonna call her dad’s mother in the post as she has not been much of a grandmother), his dad died before I was born. He has 3 sisters. My mother has both her parents, she had a brother who died. When I was a child, I used to live only with my parents and dad’s mother. Dad’s mother was very mentally abusive to my mom, she did things like not allowing my mom to make me for polio vaccination when my dad was in office. My mom being newly married was scared to say this to my father but did so eventually being scared of my safety. My dad took mom’s side and had scolded my grandmother for this behavior. There are 10-20 such incidents ranging from stuff my mum recalls while talking with me sometimes to stuff I have locked in my memory from my childhood.
Moving on, unrelated stuff happened, we moved close to a city which my grandparents from mum’s side live in. They had lost their son recently so they often stayed over at our place as they often got lonely at their home. Me and my parents are totally okay with this, we enjoy having them over, they are really good people. Issue comes with my dad’s mother. Whenever my dad is not home(back then, now my mom and me retaliate so she does it when its just the grandparents at home) she says weird and derogatory stuff to my grandparents, curse at them, talk weird about their family, go to the balcony and shout weird things about them to passersby. It is as if she enjoys seeing them broken and angry. The first few times this happened and my dad came to know of this, we sent her to dad’s sister’s place and told her we will not tolerate this kind of behavior. Idk what happened there but dad’s sister kicked her out and she’s back here within like 2 months. The above things keep happening along with now she either making snide comments or just randomly making a scene out of every little thing my grandmother does, blaming random things on her that don’t matter much in the first place, like having accidentally forgotten to close the tap completely would lead to her making snide remarks at my grandmother and when me or my mom and dad interfere, she plays the victim. When this kept repeating we asked her to leave which she did and went to dad’s other sister’s place. A month or two later she’s back here again with the sister telling us on call that she’s disturbing their household peace and they cannot tolerate her(totally fair argument). We cannot really kick out a 70y.o person out, feels morally and legally wrong, but is affecting each of our mental health very much. My dad had heart issues and I think this thing will only affect him negatively as well. I feel really bad for my mother as she gets very down whenever incidents like this happen, I mean who will not if they and their parents are constantly disrespected in their home and cannot do much about it. My dad’s mom does not heed our words, does what she wants, she doesnt have to do a single household chore, we do it, there is no reason for a normal person to behave in this psychotic way yet she does. When the words start going against her she will play the victim. There are also incidents where she went to places and talked shit about my mom dad and grandparents. The people who they told this did not believe her ofc and called up dad saying she is doing these stuff. We did not do anything except apologising for her causing trouble cause what else can we do.
My family is not very financially stable, especially since my dad got health issues he couldn’t work with his small buisness that well. I have very recently started to get in my career, and am able to barely break even with family spendings with mine, dad’s and mom’s earnings combined. Is there any action I can take against her, should i look for opportunities to gather video proof(very hard as she starts randomly or at times where me or mom and dad are in other room or outside for work). I would rather not be throwing out a helpless woman out (even though she is a piece of shit, she’s old and i cannot imagine her living on streets or something). I cannot afford old age homes, I am barely making ends meet, have to save money everywhere to be able to afford parent’s and grandparent’s medications. Things are getting tough and as much as I want to and can run away from this, i want to help my parents and grandparents and not want them to suffer mentally from this anymore. Her behaviour is getting riddiculous day by day and I dont want my parents to be down all the time because of her. My glasses are getting blurry with tears so I’m not writing anymore but based on this that I am facing, I would like if you could give me any advice, legal or anything else to make this life better. this has been happening through all my childhood and teenage.
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BGetting her not being in your family is not an option because abandoning or forcing a senior citizen out of the house can itself be an offence, punishable with fines or imprisonment.
However, your mother and potentially you (assuming you are female) can file a case against her for domestic violence (which includes mental and emotional abuse). The case could potentially lead to protective orders or other legal remedies that set boundaries on her behavior.
However, the court may not look favorably on a domestic violence case against a senior citizen, especially if she is financially dependent or in fragile health. While the law permits such a case, judges are likely to focus on balancing the rights of both parties rather than imposing strict penalties on an elderly person.
Legal action can also escalate tensions, and given the family dynamic, it is important to consider whether this is the best course of action. If the goal is to manage the situation rather than escalate it, documenting incidents and setting clear boundaries could be a first step. If things worsen, legal options remain available.
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QI understand her not being in family is not an option. She would have financial dependency on us to survive. We have set boundaries multiple times and told her we are not gonna tolerate this behaviour, but what other option do we have if she does not maintain them. She probably knows that legal action would most likely be favourable to her as she’s old and on the first glance and behaviour would seem harmless to anyone who doesn’t know her. Documenting the events that happen from now on video/audio is something I can try my best to do from now on, can you suggest any ways I can use them to take action against her.
I’m a male, so only my mom can take legal option as per your mentioned then, which I highly doubt I can make her to but I can try regardless. Maybe with mine and dad’s support she will be willing to.This very much feels like a losing battle to me. Seems very unfair yet cannot do anything.
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BI completely understand why this feels unfair and like a losing battle. You are right that legal action may not be straightforward, as courts often take a sympathetic view of elderly individuals, especially those financially dependent on family.
That said, documenting her behavior is a smart step. Video and audio recordings can serve as evidence of ongoing harassment, and while they may not lead to immediate legal consequences, they can help establish a pattern of behavior if things escalate further. Your mother, as a woman facing domestic abuse, could file a complaint under the Domestic Violence Act, but given her hesitation, this would need family support.
One possible approach is to leverage the documented evidence in a legal notice rather than directly filing a case. A strongly worded legal notice warning of potential legal consequences might be enough to make her reconsider her behavior without escalating the matter to a courtroom.
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QThank you for your insights, it has cleared up a lot of things. I will absolutely get on with documenting everything. Is their a legal way to make proceedings such that if I can rent a cheap place nearby, keep househelpers to handle the small household tasks like cleaning house and clothes for her. And if we also take care of her food requirements and medicines. That way she will not be able to cause abuse and if she denies the proposition then it will prove her having ill intentions. Or will this still count as throwing off a dependent senile person legally. I cannot make the above changes very soon due to financial reasons but it might be something I can do eventually.
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MHer age is a factor but so is the age of your maternal grandparents whom she is also abusing.
So from a legal perspective, it is possible to emphasize that if you wanna go legally. You can also ask people like police to come and talk to her and tell her your grandparents are off limits, she shouldn’t behave like this, etc. Not sure if it will work but can try.From a non legal (psychological) perspective, it’s possible that age and dependency are scary to her and as she’s always been an aggressive person, she’s doubling down on that behaviour now. She may feel that by behaving badly, no one will notice her vulnerability and therefore will not try to take advantage of her now that she’s old.
So you could
1. try bringing in a therapist or counsellor to talk to her and reassure her in a family setting, that no one is going to exploit her vulnerability or abandon her.2. In addition to point 1, or even without it, stop taking her words seriously. You all will have to do this, including your maternal grandparents – basically to just understand that she’s old and twisted and she’s saying horrible things coz she’s scared and coping badly.
3. Stop engaging with her when she’s misbehaving. Ignore her and everyone do their own work and talk to each other, but not her.
4. Talk to her when she isn’t misbehaving and set up a daily activity to do with her which she may look forward to. It could be religious, if she’s into that, some tv / serial, reading some newspaper or magazine to her, etc. If she misbehaves during that, calmly say, okay let’s continue tomorrow and go back to not engaging.
This is just off the top of my head. I think speaking to a counsellor who has experience with old people may give you more ideas on how to maintain and enforce boundaries while improving her mental health as well.
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QI have tried to make everyone totally ignore what she says. I and my mom can do it but the others cannot. They try but they end up being affected eventually.
We tried to take her to therapists and doctors way back. She went like once or twice, then did not go or take their prescribed medicines, saying that they are trying to kill her.
She does not have any vulnerability that we would take advantage of. Dad’s parents did not own any property owned in the first place, and whatever little they did own, my dad did not get any share or wants anything material from her. We just want to live in peace.
As to doing activities her, I’m sorry to say but I despise to even talk to a person who does such vile actions. I want to have nothing to do with her outside of what my responsibility is of providing for her needs.
After all this my father was not able to sleep well last night and is experiencing slight ache at heart(probably due to stress) and has somewhat high pressure (130-85) which is not in dangerous territory for him. I will take him to a cardiologist later in the day regardless. He asked my grandparents to go to their home for the time being for things to calm down(they won’t) and my mom is also very sad and stressed that they had to go.
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QNot directly, I have somewhat thick skin to not bother if she says bad of me. But I do feel like shit when people I care of are sad, which makes me think I’m not taking action to prevent this, if that makes sense.
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UNAL
1. Ask all relatives to chip in and fund her stay at a retirement home.
2. Make an arrangement where she rotates between your house & other relatives house
3. Tell your other grandparents to freely abuse her back when she provokes. One or two days of this treatment & she will learn not to do this.
4. Absolutely run away from this. Don’t take your mental health for granted. -
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AOP, I don’t have legal knowledge but here is what I think you should do- Gather your parents, grandparents in a room for a meeting call your father’s mother too. Tell her that you have filed a complaint against her and all your family members have supported it acting as a witness including your father’s sisters. Tell her that a CCTV is installed inside the house which will record her actions which will be sent to police as proofs. If possible install a CCTV or pretend that you getting a CCTV installed in your house. This might scare her and she might stop abusing you all for sometime.
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