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USo, I (24F) decided to elope. Not because of some love issues or marriage. It’s for my career. My parents are extremely toxic and physically and mentally abuse me to this day. I recently got a job offer from Infosys (System Engineer – Fresher). Salary is 22k, isn’t much but i think i can feed myself. My parents aren’t letting me go to the job. I have had enough of them these 24 years and I can’t take it anymore. They’re telling me that my career is in their hands and not mine. i need advice.
so first, I’ll give you the complete picture. So, I come a very toxic household who refuse to let me go anywhere and other toxic things. It’s really suffocating and I do not have any social life of my own nor any freedom. I did not do very well with my academics as well. Did my Bachelors in Civil engineering. I’m not proud of my CGPA. I gave GATE CSE last year, got a NIT seat but my family refused to let me go because it’s too far. I gave GATE CSE again this year, did good but I’m not really sure where I would get a seat. I’m extremely anxious thinking about whether the last year scenario might repeat if I don’t a seat somewhere near my parents location and I would have no other choice but to obey them as they’re the ones financing me. And the marriage talks are creeping in as well and I don’t wanna get married, let alone someone of my parent’s choice.
And recently, I was offered a job from Infosys (System Engineer – Fresher). Salary is around 22k, not much, but I think it’s enough to feed myself and pay for a decent pg and since I’ll atleast have some financial independence, I can tell my parents to go fuck themselves. Now, I want to take up the job and leave this goddamn hellhole of a home and cut ties with my family for good and give GATE CSE again after 2 years as bond period would be over by then, resign and do M.Tech in some IIT. I’ll save up the money by then from doing some part time jobs in those 2 years for my tution and other expenses for my M.tech. I also think this job experience might be of use in placements.
But the thing is I have no one to rely on and I’m on my own in all this and I’m not feeling brave and confident enough to tell if I can make this work as I have never been outside of my shitty home and all this is a little terrifying but also I’m feeling strong about my decision.
Now, my doubt is if i elope, would there be any problem or bad consequences? How should i proceed? what are the steps that i should take to be careful in this situation? can my parents do anything? what if they go to the police? can police do anything? i need the complete picture of every possible situation and cautionary measures i need to take in this scenario? please help. I need this. this is very important to me. thank you for being with me this long 🙂
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PArre jao, khule aasman main panchi ki tarah
Just a caution- If you truly wish to be independent, don’t try to find another source of dependence in your new life
Try to be truly free at first -
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UU can do everything if u are ready for the sacrifices it requires, but my two cents would be that u ask a person who u think takes an objective view of things and whom u trust, ask him to give an opinion about where the things are wrong, if it’s on your parents side go ahead with your plan or have a heartfelt conversation with your parents and see if it improves the situation. If the fault is more on your side perhaps your decision of ” eloping” would not be a wise choice. All the best
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UPlease stay strong! This is your life, and I’m sure you will reach heights. I hope you get all the peace and happiness you need in life.
PS: I’m also an Infosys employee who started out as a Systems Engineer, and if you can, it’s really better to wait for other MNC because many of them out there will definitely pay you better, Infosys really have a shitty payscale for freshers.
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UNot a legal or short term advice, but rather a long term one in place of doing part time jobs and prepping for gate and attempting again after 2 years.
Once you start your job start prepping for interviews, do leetcode as much as you can and start applying to some nice product based companies. Your career will progress much better than doing GATE after 2 years.
The decision you are making is a courageous one but seems like a necessary one, godspeed to you
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BWhich city are you from?
If it’s something like mumbai 22k won’t be enough to survive and prep for something.And your part time thing. Make sure it does not come under pf. And cover any traces related to that from your company. Also will you have time to do part time since MNCs have long hours?
Don’t take these as discouraging. I’m just making sure you are clear with your plan before leaving. Most of the redditors here are anti social teens. They will say “leave, be free”, but never had real world experiences.
I am also suggesting to leave, but stay in good rated PGs under budget, contact any friend or college mates to help you with this. Don’t do this alone. I suggest just changing jobs instead of going for an IIT, it’s much more efficient and relieves you from tension of fees.
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YWell, i guess you are just going away from your toxic parents to start your own journey. Do you have any friends who did the exact same thing? There are lots of hidden surprises in this path, i hope you are well aware. I did the same thing and that’s the best decision of my life but from my experience ground reality is a bit different/harsh. Talk to someone who is living by his/her own or did the same thing. Discuss, plan and then initiate.
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IBro whats the location of this job?
If its Banglore or Mumbai, surviving on 22k would be extremely tough.
And then, for PG you’ll need atleast 1month security deposits, if not 2.-
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IPost on r/mysore and ask people if surviving on 22k with no family support and only a private job is possible/recommended.
22k won’t be in hand salary I presume.
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UHave stayed in Hyderabad (in PG) with that salary. Manageable. Just not enough for outings anol. If I ate frequently outside, then not much savings left. If OP can live a frugal life, then ~7k can be saved.
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Uyeah i know its not much but i gotta do what i gotta do to stay away from my parents, even if its a tough situation
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UNAL
nope they cant do anything. Usually parents file a flase case of kidnapping but that wont stand in court.
Just a word of caution, infosys is infamous for firing employees without giving notice. So maybe have other sources of income like online copywriting incase they fire you.
Also please confirm the identity of the man you elope with, many men take advantage of girls who are desperate for a life of independence, keep their important documents in a locker and essentially trap them. Make sure you are not jumping from the frying pan to the fire.
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SIn addition to your educational documents, Infosys will ask for Passport mandatorily. If you apply for it, there will be police verification in your address. Give some reason to your parents and get this completed before you join.
Training and facilities will be very good in Mysore.
You can’t decide your posting though, though you can provide your preferred location choice, you might get posted to your hometown as well if they have a DC in there.The only thing you need to focus on is to ensure that you do your best and clear the training. If you screw up on this part, you have to go back to the hellhole which isn’t a good thing.
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UHoping you get all good things in life. Having toxic and abusive parents is the worst thing to happen to any child.
22k is a decent salary to start off in any city (except mumbai maybe).
Just a couple of friendly advices:
1. Prioritize your mental health for the first few months (therapy can go a loong way to help)
2. On a professional note, keep upskilling. I say this because I have gone thru a phase where i was stuck at the same level and all the negative experiences from my past started playing 24×7 in my head. Hope that never happens to anyone.
3. Make good friends, they are the best things that can happen to you!All the best!😄
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UThanks for correcting it. In any case, you’re a full adult, so it’s not considered running away. Please note that there is a law in India in which retired/older parents can sue their children for maintenance, so please research about that. Though as a woman, you’re better off because it wont be easy for them to claim that.
It’s a good step you’re taking — leave them asap and make sure you have everything you need. I left my parents too and came to India alone (used to be an NRI). It was tough and still is, but nothing you can’t handle. Way better than being with toxic people who don’t care about you. All the best!
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UI can totally understand your situation. Nothing will happen if you distance yourself from your parents, in reality it will 2-3 months of irritating phone calls and maybe a “surprise visit” but nothing will happen in the long term.(>2 yrs) and likely your parents will adjust.
To prepare mentally for this be very tough and headstrong about your decisions and act like you know what you are doing (even if you arent sure of it yourself). This posturing is really really important to prevent escalation to police and most times some relatives will also take your side if they see you determined. Dont justify actions and try not to let emotions run into your arguments incase your parents and relatives know how to piss you off and put you down. Nothing will come out of arguments where you are trying to justify your case.. in reality such parents have a “greater than thou/knowitall protective” attitude and you will just fuel it by giving them clarifications and justifications about your dreams and desires. Rather just put on a brave face (even when you are shivering inside) and move forward, taking action on everything and not asking for permission.
I will not comment on what others have already said. Wanted to add to the following based on experience (im not a lawyer nor a medical practioner):
1. Ensure it is your phone number which is aligned to your aadhar/Pan/bank/digilocker etc. You dont want OTPs going to your parents phone… do this before leaving the house and when you have access. If you need to change address, use a rental agreement once you shift or ask a friend who owns a house to give you a rental agreement and get the address changed ASAP. When you join the company, ensure any communication (like payslips, salary account debit card etc) to be sent to the changed address only.
2. Buy a basic Medical Insurance (outside of work) as soon as possible and term insurance (job loss rider, crictical illness rider etc) once you start working. This will help you as you are young (so its cheap), will make you independent and reduce worry. You can research reddit/youtube/LLA/Beshak etc and pick something that works for you. Dont delay this and the point is to pick something, not the best thing.
3. If you really want to bullet proof yourself, speak to a licensed psychologist and document your visits/meetings (by keeping receipts, sending emails). Use this documentation when required to tell the police/relatives to F Off incase they put pressure, saying that you are mentally traumatized by your parents and require space apart. If you can build a rapport with the psychologist/counsellor you can ask them to intervene when required, but do this once you build trust.Hope this is helpful. Mysore and surrounding areas are beautiful, while 22K will help you float, you need to use your experience to leapfrog to better paying jobs and companies. Hope you fight well and you win your fights.
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UNot a Lawyer, but i have dealt with similar cases during my internships.
1) Take all original documents with you.
2) Get your medical done.
3) Write an application in your handwriting, addressing the SHO of your current residence (where you and your parents are residing), and state your full details and that you are willingly leaving the household for your career prospects and that due to so and so personal reasons, you do not wish to live with your family anymore. Sign that application, make a copy of it. Submit it to the particular police station and get the receiving from the DO (duty officer) in the form of stamp and date. Take a copy and keep it safe with you.
This application will go a long way in case you elope and your parents file a missing person report, that way the police will already be aware that you left your household willingly.
4) Secure your assets (any kind of jewellery which was given to you, if any)
5) Inform any trusted person regarding the same who can be your trusted witness to testify in favour of you if needed.As long as you are above 18, you are legally entitled to make your own decisions.
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Ajust remember ,when you are down and vulnerable the only people who will help you are your parents ,just remember that , the world is a dark and lonely place ,especially for a young girl, the system will always let you down
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UNot a lawyer
What parents can do?
They may file a missing case; then, the police have to find you and take your statement.If your parents falsely allege that you were kidnapped or wrongfully confined by someone, then police have to find you and produce in court, where you can testify you went on your own. Then you will be free to go, but you will have to face your parents again at that time. If your parents are influential, then they can do some crap to get you home instead of producing court.
(Lawyers, please correct me if I am wrong)
Why you shouldn’t elope right now?
An Infosys job is not very secure, and there’s a real possibility of getting laid off before you achieve financial independence. You need to seriously consider what you would do if that happens.On top of that, the tuition fees at IITs are extremely high — far beyond what you could realistically cover with a part-time job. Additionally, the demanding academic schedule at IIT leaves very little time for working part-time in the first place.
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UDon’t want to discourage you, but don’t rely on a JOB OFFER is the joining date is not given.
if you’re joining in Pune. May be I can help you.Best of luck
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ETake all important documents with you.Don’t tell anyone (friends/relatives) your exact new location.No matter what happens,don’t go back.They will try to emotionally manipulate everyone else into pressure you to come back.Maybe make a social media post to inform everyone about the situation .Inform the local police station that you are safe and leaving voluntarily.Good luck for your journey.
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UIt depends, how strong your parents are financially and education wise, what worst could happen is police involvement, and some threatening and harassment( if your parents feed money to police )
But if you are strong enough mentally no one can do anything. Just you have to be strong in any situation. And continue pursuing your dream whether it’s education or career development.
22k is good amount to leave a healthy and comfortable life. -
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FFirstly, kudos! Appreciate you loving yourself and taking this bold step. You have financial source to take care so go-ahead escaping out of that hell hole. Not all parents are angels. Thank them and move ahead. And, help them financially (only) as a gratitude for them bringing you to life once you are completely settled. This way, the chakra is complete.
I was in your situation earlier. Glad i believed in myself.
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UNAL.
Please figure out where you will stay before eloping. If you have friends you can confide in, ask them if they can loan you money to figure out stay, transport and food for your first month before you get your first paycheck.
Try for a switch after one year, and trust me it gets easier. Multiple offers will help with raising that CTC.
Be safe, don’t let anyone undermine your resolve and self respect. Don’t let anyone take you for granted.You are brave.
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UHey Hi,
Been there done that
I didn’t read the full text but It’s not eloping but moving out , you would not have any problem just move to infosys mysore for training make some friends there and then live with your friends in the city that you are posted
If you got joining in Bangalore after the mysore training i can help you with an ngo so you won’t feel that you are alone in a new city , they are very kind people and you can rely on them in an emergency.-
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UJust wanted to add , don’t let go of this opportunity, a female friend has conservative parents who didn’t let her go outside of Karnataka as she got a job in delhi (she loves around 100km from Bangalore) and she is struggling to find ajob since last 1 year .
Not to scare you , I just felt like sharing this .
All the best 👍🏻
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UAm a male but let me tell you you need to resist or leave. I am staying with my parents due to medical conditions and I too have faced countless restrictions in doing any work at home or outside, on sleeping, or going to medical appointments. In at least one distance, I was called when I was in the emergency room over an injury and was shouted at and insulted and demanded to return home without treatment so I cannserve them with a stupid task(s).
At some point I noticed just how much I have them/the main parent systematically destroy my life and freedom. It doesn’t get better. Get outside no matter what is said. Minimize the possessions you have at home. I’ve even lost some gold because of my father and the criminals he always lets in, even removing barriers I set up before I go outside.
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EWhich city? Or zone? If you are anywhere near Ahmedabad, do reach out. I will be your family away from home.
Fly girl, fly. Lots of love.
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