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UHi everyone, I’m (North Indian Female) getting engaged soon, and I wanted some perspective on a situation I’m facing.
When both our families spoke, my fiancé’s (South Indian Male) parents initially said they don’t want anything from us – just the usual clothes as per rituals, but nothing else like gold or other gifts. However, in private, they’ve been pressuring my fiancé, saying that the groom’s family traditionally doesn’t have to incur any expenses and that the bride’s side should be spending it all.
Additionally, they are unhappy that we’re not giving him a gold chain, bracelet, or other gold jewelry during the engagement. We are, however, giving him a gold ring, some cash, and a good watch (Seiko).
I wanted to ask – would their expectation of additional gold and the pressure to spend more be considered dowry?
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UNAL.
In my community and generally in the southern part of the country, it has been a long-standing tradition for the bride’s family to bear most of the wedding expenses, while some families split costs differently—like the groom’s side covering the engagement and the bride’s side handling the wedding. Similarly, gifting gold ornaments beyond the engagement ring is common on both sides.
The issue isn’t the tradition itself but the pressure to follow it. The best way forward is for both families to have an open discussion about their expectations, budget, and willingness to contribute. If it’s done out of goodwill, it remains a tradition. If it’s forced, it crosses into dowry territory.
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PMy younger brother got married recently as the bride side said the same resulting in us bearing the whole marriage expenses , we didn’t ask or insist any dowry so they put some gold jewels for the bride . These customs I hate them , I always believe it should be dowry zit should be just gift for the in laws and gifts come from love and not from demand ,rest all marriage expenses should be shared as much equally as possible .
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ATo be honest, I don’t think it’s dowry; it is a well-known tradition in South Indian families (at least in mine). The bride’s family spends on the wedding, the groom’s side spends on the reception; both are equally grand. About the gold bracelet, I think it’s true; we do have a tradition of giving the groom a bracelet during the engagement. But it’s not compulsory
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USouth Indian here and got married recently too. This is a well known South Indian tradition of gifting a bracelet and a gold chain to the groom. But the groom side is also supposed to gift you jewellery too. Atleast this happens in my side of family. So please make sure you are openly discussing with your fiance on this. Also, once you gift your husband the gold bracelet/chain, it’s technically yours to use 😉 However if you are not comfortable doing this, please discuss this with your fiancé.
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UYes, it is dowry to expect a woman’s family to take the wedding expenses. Especially if the fiancé’s family is not contributing to any other expenses.
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UIf marriage expense bore by bride’s side is dowry then most of the world including developed nations are committing this crime. It is not dowry FOR SURE.
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UI guess, that makes those marriages in developed nations also dowry if the woman’s family is bearing the expenses based on the cultural or whatever expectation.
If there is a cultural or traditional expectation that the bride’s side is solely responsible for the wedding expenses and there is an unequal contribution to the wedding expenses, that is a dowry in a different form.
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U“Legally” it is not dowry TBH. Its customary in several nations that bride’s side pays the expenses, however, things are changing where both parties share the expenses, but legally it is not considered dowry anywhere. Ofcourse, Indians spend insane amounts in marriage (which is stupid) compared to any other nation so the money value is high, but again, not dowry.
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UThe “expectation” that bride’s family has to *solely* bear the expenses for the wedding does make it dowry, and is within the legal ambit.
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UThat’s your opinion, but the fact doesn’t change. If you are not ok with the expectation then why get married to that family? Hypothetically if you consider wedding expense as dowry and if guys side pays it all, what would that be? Also, giving dowry is also an offense so if the wedding goes through and bride paid for it, she committed a crime willingly.
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UI’m not stating an opinion. I am stating that it is within the legal ambit of dowry.
*A demand being made for unequal contribution to the wedding expenses by the groom’s side is within the legal ambit of dowry.*
Is he being demanded to take over wedding expenses? Is there a cultural or traditional expectation placed on him? The guy doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to? Who’s forcing him to?
Giving dowry is also an offense, albeit giving dowry under pressure and demand? Context matters.
I am not getting married to this family or such a family. I don’t understand why you are raising ad hominem responses. Lol.
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U>I’m not stating an opinion. I am stating that it is within the legal ambit of dowry.
>*A demand being made for unequal contribution to the wedding expenses by the groom’s side is within the legal ambit of dowry.*
Even a needle demanded forcefully can be considered dowry. That is not what the post says. The post says that the parents are pressurizing their own son about them being unhappy about the give and take. Merely being unhappy about something doesn’t account to be a crime specifically in reference to this post.
>Is he being demanded to take over wedding expenses?
The post doesn’t mention that so neither can be concluded.
>Is there a cultural or traditional expectation placed on him?
As I mentioned, it is a worldwide cultural or traditional expectation that the bride’s side takes care of wedding expenses, which is gradually changing which is a step in the right direction.
>The guy doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to?
The girl too doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to, she has options too. Don’t tell me its societal pressure, then that means you willingly commit a crime (of giving dowry in terms of wedding expenses) and then cry victim, thats not done.
>Giving dowry is also an offense, albeit giving dowry under pressure and demand? Context matters.
The post doesn’t say that at all (Re: demanding), you are talking out of context here.
>I am not getting married to this family or such a family. I don’t understand why you are raising ad hominem responses. Lol.
My bad, I meant to use “you” in general, as in, third person, not literally you yourself, that could be confusing I get it.
NAL but had enough run-ins with several of them.
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PDoes your fiancé wear jewellery? Have you ever watched him wore it? If he wears then you may give those as gifts. Otherwise ask him if he would wear it after marriage as you never saw him wearing those before.
Also if it’s not in your budget then don’t give.
But communicate clearly through your fiancé or your family as to what they will be expecting as gifts. And that your family don’t believe in dowry.
Also set a clear expectation regarding what your expectations are for your living arrangements and how you would be taken care of after marriage. And what responsibilities your fiancé expect you to do after marriage. And what you expect him to do for you.
Also It’s a very thin line between gifts and dowry so be careful. Don’t ignore all expectations as they also have a family status they want that upheld. not all of them are dowry demands but some of them might be.
If those are too much then you can decide before marriage only. It’s better to sort these before than to suffer for rest of life.
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SAnd frankly how can your family give you away without anything? I wouldn’t do it with my children. At least money should be gifted to you! When we want to win someone’s heart we give presents, it is an age-old tradition and common sense!
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UWhy not give these “presents” on her graduation day or her birthday or her any special achievement day if it is just present?. It is dowry even if you giving.
The Dowry Prohibition Act of 1961 is a law that prohibits the giving or receiving of dowry in India. It was enacted by Parliament on May 20, 1961.
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RAs a north Indian, paying for the wedding should come from the happiness pf both the families. You are not the only one getting married. While its technically not dowry, but the expectations for you solely take the brunt of it, while they come and just enjoy the wedding as guests and get enormous gifts, definitely is dowry and loses its essence. You can talk to your fuance and clear out this grey zone.
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UIf you have this question then you should not get married to this boy.
Propose an Arya samaj Hindu Vedic marriage and just invite 6 people, if both of you really want to get married.
There are marriage customs to be followed and honestly no one really knows them.
The only version of marriage where everything is known is Arya samaj Vedic wedding where they give you a list of everything required and everyone required
You don’t even need to pay for the decoration, or food, just the hall which is dirt cheap.
It will cost you 5000 for everything, I guess and rest is up to you as to what you want to wear. You don’t need to feed the guests, of which there wouldn’t be any.
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UWhere and how can we do Arya Vedic Wedding? And is intercaste wedding is allowed this type wedding. Asking for myself
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UFind the nearest Arya samaj mandir.
As long as both of you are Hindu, you can get married.
Just visit them and ask. They specialize in weddings
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UIndian traditions are archaic and shitty. Don’t listen to idiots here justifying dowry as they mostly benefit from these traditions. Sati and casteism is also our tradition. Do we need to follow them? NO
Your in-laws think they are very smart. They want dowry but are not able to ask directly and it’s illegal so doing it in the way a majority of Indians do. Saying they don’t want anything and then slowly as wedding day arrives, they want everything. Asking bride’s side to bear all the expenses and give expensive gifts. This is DOWRY. No one ask for old fashioned furniture and kitchen stuff anymore.
Go 50-50 in wedding expenses and do not give anything extra. No cash and no jewellery. This will set the precedence early on and they’ll understand that they can’t manipulate you and your family. Do observe your fiancé and how much he is standing up for you.
You’ll get to know during this drama if you chose the right partner and if he is worth it.
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UAlso if your family wants to gift you anything for your security in future be it jewellery, cash or FD. Take it but you don’t have to advertise it in front of your in-laws or even your husband. 95/100 times they will think they have a right on it. And in every situation they would ask you to use it. So be a smart woman and keep your parents gift in your own separate bank locker.
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UNAL, that seems like dowry.
IMO Dowry vs gift vs expectations depends on free unprovoked uncoerced consent.
Since the family is pressurising your fiance, that means consent is not there, i.e this is dowry
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POnly boy and girl’s consent is required for marriage. As per law Consent of boy’s parents does not matter.
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AWell, as per Section 2 of the Dowry Prohibition Act n various Supreme Court interpretations, in simple terms, dowry is any money, property or valuable security DEMANDED as a condition (consideration) for marriage, whether given before, at or after the wedding. However, in your case, rather than getting caught up in legal technicalities, it’s crucial to recognize red flags early on.
What youve described is a major red flag. Marriage should be based on mutual respect and acceptance, not financial expectations. A family that truly values you should be happy to welcome you without any demands, regardless of what you or your family can afford.
While customary gifts exchanged as part of traditions don’t necessarily qualify as dowry, they should always be voluntary and proportionate to the family’s means. If the expectation for gold and additional spending feels like pressure rather than tradition, then it raises concerns.
Nevertheless, trust your instincts… this is about your future. Legalities aside, a marriage that starts with financial coercion often leads to further issues down the line. Wishing you the best in making a decision that prioritizes your happiness and self respect. It’s important you discuss with your potential partner directly.
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CAt this stage an open discussion is necessary. It could go something like this:
When we had our initial discussion we agreed that there wouldn’t be any dowry. We want to clear the air. Do you expect us to bear the entire cost of the wedding? We understand that it is pretty common for the bride’s family to bear the cost. We also understand that you expect certain gold jewellery to be gifted to the bride. Is this true?
We respect your customs. Then list what you expect something like: We want the cost of the wedding to be shared. Any jewelry we give will be for our daughter and we will decide what to give.
The goal of this conversation is to be explicit and detailed without moralizing or making the other party look bad. You are asking for their bottom line while you also need a clear understanding of what your bottom line is. It would be best if you and your fiance agree beforehand. If you do so, you as a couple will have a lot of power in the negotiation.
Marriage is a big deal for your life. Like all big deals, negotiations will go on even after marriage. The trick is to establish boundaries and expectations at every step, so that you minimize surprises.
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UThe difference between dowry and wedding gifts is pressure. If they’re forcing you or putting pressure on you to give them things or they have a list of items you “need to provide”, it’s dowry. If it’s something you’re doing out of your own free will, it’s not dowry.
I’m NAL and while am married to a South Indian family myself, just because it’s “custom” doesn’t make it right. Sati was a custom and so was child marriage. Does that make it right? -
UNAL So this is a very common ask, i have seen it with my sister’s wedding too, even if the groom doesn’t want anything the parents always insist, the ones they are mentioning are to be felicitated to the groom by brother in law at engagement and yes by default they will expect the bride family to pick up all wedding expenses, they are fairly conservative family then, expect some more things to be asked as tradition for first Diwali, First sankaranti amongst others. They won’t call it Dowry but just say it as tradition, because your in laws are socially conscious
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U**Situation:** The in-laws haven’t explicitly asked for dowry, but they expect the bride’s family to cover all wedding expenses. Additionally, there is an expectation of gold and jewelry for the groom.
**Background:** In South India, particularly in modern middle-class urban weddings, explicit dowry is often absent. However, the bride’s family typically bears the entire wedding cost. It is also customary in some traditions to gift gold jewelry and clothing—not just to the groom but also to his family, including siblings, aunts, and parents. Relatives often discuss what the bride’s family has “contributed,” and this underlying expectation helps the groom’s side maintain appearances. While there may be no direct demand for dowry in the form of cash, land, or property, these customs can sometimes serve as an implicit substitute.
**Analysis:** Whether this technically qualifies as dowry is irrelevant unless you plan to take legal action. The key question is how this expectation may impact you post-marriage. It could be a warning sign—potentially leading to further demands or resentment if the groom’s family feels their “son’s worth” wasn’t honoured. Alternatively, they might be reasonable and caring once the wedding is over.
**Response:** Start by having an open conversation with your fiancé and then, if necessary, with his parents. If you’re comfortable with the expectations, you can go along with them. If not, try negotiating. However, if you feel uneasy or pressured, consider stepping away before the engagement to avoid further escalation.
**For context:** In my (South Indian Male) wedding, we explicitly stated that there would be no dowry and that we would split the wedding expenses equally (50:50). However, my in-laws felt that sharing the costs would be an insult and insisted on covering the entire engagement and wedding expenses themselves. The same happened at my sister’s wedding—there was no dowry involved, but when the groom’s family offered to share the expenses, my parents declined, insisting that they could handle everything on their own without any help. After that, everything went as smoothly as possible, and now, life continues as usual—just like a ‘happily ever after.
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UOne thing… Is it love or arranged marriage? If it’s a love marriage & both you & fiance’s parents are completely in favor, deny any of such demands. Same case for arranged marriage. But if they’re not in favour, and are angry & you want things to work out smoothly.. divide the expenses between you and your fiance.
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FGifts are different from forced dowry.
Get clarified weather you are giving or they demanded those.
There is nothing wrong in gifting bride and groom from both sides .
If you are not happy with what’s happening ask out your family if they are forcing and contact with your fiance about he knows these are not.
But don’t make it obvious or they will blame you .
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PFrom what you have stated, it seems to be a demand made very covertly. The marriage has to take place with open discussions and mutual respect & understanding. When you both are from different communities, there must be open talks about the ceremonies and traditional/ ritual gifting that is needed. If any demand is made more than that it does amount to Dowry. read further [https://divorcebylaw.com/dowry/](https://divorcebylaw.com/dowry/)
The progressive thought on this is to share the expenses equally or another step further do not take money from your parents, limit your expenses to your (you & fiancé`) savings only. The marriage need not be about having a grand ceremony, it is about two people coming together in love.
For further details contact us [https://g.co/kgs/oCCqP2B](https://g.co/kgs/oCCqP2B)
**Disclaimer:** In the absence of all the facts of the case, the comments given may not be the best solution for your case. One on one consultation with a legal counsel/ advocate is advised to get better guidance.
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ENAL.
I’m a male and during our marriage, my in-laws were insisting on spending lakhs on furniture, ornaments etc. to give me in our marriage BUT I strictly declined and had an open discussion with them and my wife that there’s no need to spend such exorbitant money as I don’t want it. He still ended up giving a few furnitures and clothes as per the rituals but I wasn’t happy about it.
A marriage should be based on understanding and love, not money! The bride’s family is already losing so much that their piece of heart is going away to another family, why add financial damages on top of that.
Obviously, any type of pressurisation from the groom’s family is a DOWRY and not acceptable, irrespective of rituals or customs.
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ENot really dowry as per what happens here.
Brides family spend for engagement function and the actual wedding. Groom family pays for reception event if there is one.
Brides family give gold chain, ring and bracelet. Groom’s family give necklace, ring etc.
You seem to be not trusting them, may be relook at your decision and see if you need to discuss more with them. Cross cultural marriages are tougher due to these cultural differences and misunderstandings.
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UYes, it’s dowry. Sorry,
If it’s love marriage, you need to talk to him privately. If this is arranged marriage, talk with own family on how to proceed without undermining own wish. If you are working, put your wish strongly, if not, it’s a tricky case.( thats why every women must be financially self sufficient, again sorry for coming so bluntly)
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