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UHi. I (30M) got married last year Feb 2024 and we started living separately from June 2024.
I had never been in a relationship my entire life and i was really excited for my wedding. Engagement was fine. But i was not 100% convinced that she was into this marriage. She refrained from holding hands. She said she was brought up like a tom boy and said she would take a really long time to build a relationship. But still, i had hopes. I didn’t know why. But things started to derail after marriage.
Even during our reception night, she refrained from holding hands. But the very next day, i see her talking pictures with her boy besties in the photoshoot.
The week after our marriage, when i picker her up from office, she starts shouting at me as to why her car went through religious prayers (drishti) without her knowledge (she is an atheist). It was my dad who asked to do it because myself and her faced a slight accident after marriage while i was driving back from her native. I never saw this face of her before marriage.
After this, i did not speak to her the next 3 days. Unfortunately for me, those days were her menstrual cycle days. I am the only son in my home and i know i shouldn’t be saying this, but i lacked the common knowledge on how to take care of women during their phase. I was open to her saying i knew nothing of this, if you need anything from me, please let me know. And she did not speak a word.
The other day, during one other breakout, she pinpoints this stating i dont even have the basic sense of giving an hot pack during this phase. Even her male colleague gives her hot pack is how she compared. I was just standing there… didn’t know what to say. I was not brought up in a situation where i had to learn about this, i accepted it in front of her. But still, i didn’t know what to say.
Before marriage, out of care i gave a word like i would look for a separate house considering the distance of her work place (which is like 27kms from my place) for us to live nearby. After seeing this face of hers, my mind was hesitant to move separately with her.
Things started to get even worse, she would treat me like i was a nobody in the same room, in the same bed. It would be like we are living separate lives within four walls. She would constantly text or call or see reels. She says she is an extreme introvert and unless i speak, she cant.
On day things got really heated up and i had to involve my parents. She started shouting with my parents outside our room. The bottled up emotions in me burst out. I had it bottled up for 3 months. I was expecting love, care and affection from this marriage. Imagine a boy not having tasted the slightest amount of love in his entire life, being put into a situation where he was made felt unloving, uncaring, and unattractive. I cried in front of her and my parents stating i dont know what to do with this life, we dont even have anything in common, and how she would treat me like a 3rd person in her life. There are so many instances of how and what she has done.
After this fight, she said she feels naked in this house now that i have told everything to my parents. She doesn’t even feel friendship within me and she doesn’t have any physical or emotional connection with me.
Even for a hug, i should ask her permission. She said she hates to kiss. We would only foreplay naked and no penetration. She would stop me in the middle and ends it. I have asked her many times why she does this and all i get is to wait and have patience. Love doesn’t come in a second and she said she needs time. Thats the very reason we even agreed to not be physical during the first night.
After a big fight by june, we asked her mom to take her with them and we lived separately since then. Even after explaining everything to her mom, she says that her daughter is behaving like this due to work stress as her office is 27kms away and she has back issues. Mind you, for atleast 3 months, i was the one who dropped and picked her up and i had 1pm to 11pm shift. After 4th month, she started to drive her car to office. She leaves by 7am and comes back by 9pm. Sometimes, around 10 also. One day she met with an accident where she was alone in a place where she wasn’t supposed to be. The accident spot is nowhere on route to her work place. The accident took place by 8:45am… i received the call by 9:45am… this is the time recorded in the fir. I was soo frustrated of the fact that she did not say a word that she is taking this route and the delay she had to call me. The reason i am talking about this delay is that, her boy bestie was there first. From this day again, i was the one who was dropping her to the office.
Stating this, her mom complains that we didn’t find a separate home for her near her home place. When i said i will look for a new home with one condition that my parents will also join us, her mother immediately says no.. saying we go separate and my parents should not join us. Thats when i decided to call quits.
I left to office while my parents were talking with her and her mom and she left by june 2024.
Now, by Jan 2025 she and her mother come to our place without informing us and ask why i did not talk to her or ask her to come home. Her mother asks the status of the new house. At this point, it was like talking to a wall. If they wanted a solution, they shouldn’t have started the past again. And to top it off, the girl accuses me of sexual harassment. Like i forced her to be physical during her menstrual cycle and her mother adds to it like i watch videos and force her to do exactly the same. During this accusation, i was not at home. My parents had to face this all alone. Thats when i told my parents that this is done for good.
We spent more than 30L in this marriage. I gifted her items more than a lakh. I ached for love and affection for her. I ached for a shoulder. I ached for a warm hug. I never even kissed my entire life. And all i get is sexual harassment. She made me think i am no longer capable of love. I am starting to think not to get married at all for the rest of my life. Me and my parents had to go through so much which i think we dont deserve.
All i want to know is, how do i proceed now.
Thank you for taking your time to read this.
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Uoh boy! I can’t even imagine what are you going through. did she ask for divorce?
you better end this sooner, hate to say this but your marriage was never going to work. I know you had faith but I’m sorry you had to go through this.-
UThats the problem. Her family is trying to patch us up after all this. To make things worse, her dad is a retired criminal lawyer.
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Uwell in that case, i hate to be the bearer of the bad news but you have a long battle to fight my friend. If you say no to take her back you’re fucked. if you say yes then you are choosing to be in a toxic relationship which is destined to collapse. my advise is to collect evidence that she is cheating. my gut says she is cheating with the so called “guy bestie” and this ofcourse is a forced marriage. did you register this marriage legally? if yes then like I mention don’t take any action and if she wants to come back to you, put some harsh conditions that she has to follow at the same time you would have to go through some hard shit too. like I said it will be a battle you have to go through if you want to get out of it. I’m sorry again for what you’re going through. may the force be with you my friend
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UDon’t do anything. Just wait for her move for divorce. Don’t ask divorce. Just cut all your communication with her. Stay calm. I am managing more problems than yours. Your parents are not alone who are going through this and also not you are alone in this mess. Just try to live simple like marriage never happened. Just wait and watch. Don’t take any action from your side otherwise you will suffer.
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UThank you. To add, her father is a retired criminal lawyer and her parents are trying to patch us up after all this. I want to exit. Thats why curious to know what might happen if i initiate it first. Because, they seem to wait it out.
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UFirst thing in India, you will not get divorce. Contested divorce takes years to get rejected. You will pay a lot maintenance while court proceedings and even after that. You will not easily get out of this mess. Better to avoid her and don’t patch up. Just let them take action. Judiciary don’t want man to take divorce because woman are innocent in eye’s of judiciary. You will never get divorce that i am sure because You will be not able to prove anything whatever happened. So forget divorce from your side. Let her do. If she ask then Its golden chance to get out this even paying some alimony.
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UShe’s cheating. She already had a boyfriend before she got married to you. They are meeting already after you got married. Collect evidence.
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UI have no idea. She said she had no relationships. But then, she would never invite her friends to any plans. She says they are introverts.
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UI agree to this, seems like bestie is more than bestie, but it’s all speculation from my end from what I am reading here,
If possible hire private detective start collective evidence, once you have enough evidence to build case ( definitely consulate a lawyer since he will know better what is enough )
Hire a lawyer get expert advise, before it’s to late and you have to deal with IPC498A, as you have already mentioned that her family is accusing you of sexual harassment.
Times are like this difficult and every steps you take, you must take legal advise from expert and move forward with it.
You will be better off, if you get out of this relationship which I don’t think has any meaning.
It’s just my opinion.
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BOh man, you went through a proper battle here. Sucks when they leave you high and dry in middle of it all too. Thats the worst.
Sorry to say but you wont ever be happy in this relationship. Think you better end this. Hire a GOOD lawyer ASAP becuz reddit already has many such cases like yours.
Spread the word. Arrange marriage business and their brokers should be finished!!
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BShe likely married under pressure or having affair or both.
This is most common reason for wife to refuse husband’s advance in bed for continuous long period
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UThats the first question i asked to her mother. Whether she was married by force without her intention to be in one. But the girl would say she has no problem. Thats the thing i am worried about legally.
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UThe lesson here is, blind arranged marriages cause troubles.
You walked into an arena without any ground work done.
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UWhy did you proceed with the marriage if you were not 100% convinced she was ready at the time of engagement?
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UMe and my family were desperate. A little context, i lost 3 toes in my left leg during a bike accident. My matches would discard my profile stating this as a reason. This girl was the only one who accepted this after showing her my leg. This was one of the major reason.
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CWOW!
You are 30 and u where desperate to get married. Where u having a biological cycle of any kind? I mean why? Oh why?Agar shaadi nhi hoti, say for another 5 years, what would have happened? Kya hi hota?
Abe sex milna bohot asan hai. Kisi ko bhi milta hai. Sala sex ke liye shaadi kon karta hai?
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UI don’t understand how she says she is introverted and was fine with her boy besties taking pics together and she didn’t even let you hold hands this is plain bs bro plus not even getting intimacy too as someone said here too she is definitely hiding a boyfriend (let her say whatever she definitely has someone that’s why not getting physical with you as she dont want to develop feelings for you) and her family played this trick on you as they would have background check on you and seen you’re a naive guy. She treated you so badly reasons like this why me and most of the people get shit scared of marriages and prefer to remain single.Hope you get justice bro good luck stay strong 👊
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UNAL I shouldn’t be saying this but honestly with how this country functions and how you’re bound to be doomed with litigations and false accusations, I really the best way would be to get her killed or something. Would be rather cheaper on your wallet and reputation and mental peace.
It is what it is.
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Uwtf is wrong with you? People like you definitely need to be arrested for inciting violence. “Reputation and mental peace” after killing someone – if OP took your advice, he’d be rotting away in a prison cell. You clearly have shit for brains.
I see you’re in India – if you’re advocating for murder on social media, you’re breaking a bunch of Indian laws dealing with electronic communication that have criminal liabilities attached to them. Might give my IPS officer relative a quick call and yes they can def track you down if they wanted to. ☺️
Here’s the comment in case it’s deleted by u/wabbit-s:
“NAL I shouldn’t be saying this but honestly with how this country functions and how you’re bound to be doomed with litigations and false accusations, I really the best way would be to get her killed or something. Would be rather cheaper on your wallet and reputation and mental peace.
It is what it is.”
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UYou’ve endured immense emotional pain. This wasn’t just a failed marriage, but a profound betrayal of trust, vulnerability, and basic human respect. Your feelings of being unloved and invalidated are deeply legitimate. Right now, protect yourself legally, seek therapeutic support to heal, and know that this experience doesn’t define your capacity for love or worth. You deserve genuine connection, compassion, and someone who cherishes your heart.
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UMen like these put zero effort in the marriage, are entitled assholes who expect the wife to shower them love immediately after moving out of her house and into a strange new place, are insanely insecure and shout affair just cuz his wife has male friends.
Dumbass of course she is more comfortable with her male friends than you they are people she’s known for years and you are practically still a stranger. Instead of trying to make her comfortable and putting in some effort to make her love you, you and your parents were constantly pushing her buttons since day 1 of marriage. You broke the promise you made before marriage about shifting to a house closer to her office. Now you are acting all shocked as to why she doesn’t show you affection. Ask yourself are you really deserving of her affection, did you actually put in any effort into earning her love? And of course the misogynists in this sub will side with you and put all the blame on your wife. Imagine if the situation was exactly reversed and you are the woman in your wife’s position, will you yourself love your husband?
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UA big +1 on this. Also, The fact that OP has very easily blamed “I didnt have to learn anything about mensuration before” instead of putting in the efforts. A simple google search is enough to know what to do and what not to do for your partner during their cycle. You could’ve used reddit as well. Its unbelievable how you didnt even know that hot water bag helps during periods. If you wouldve cared about ANY female in your life you wouldve known this. That female could have be your mother, sister, colleague, anyone.
“Imagine a boy not having tasted the slightest amount of love in his entire life, being put into a situation where he was made felt unloving, uncaring, and unattractive.” How is it your wife’s fault that you didnt receive love. It surely is sad but its not her fault. Your definition of love, affection, caring could be very different to that of your wife’s but i guess you never cared about that.
You shouldve taken some more time in finding someone who thought like you and please start learning about the other gender. You dont need to date one to understand one. Just start giving two shits about anyone.
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UYes, i did promise her to move out. Yes, i did look out for options. As a matter of fact, both her elder sister and myself looked for houses within 10km radius of her work place. But, we did not find one for atleast a month or two. Post which things got escalated too fast.
Also, she asked the same thing. What did i do for her. This is my point of view. Noone will keep tabs of things which they do out of love and affection. I will clean our toilet. I will clean our room cause she has dust allergy. I will wash our dishes.. Yes, she did do laundry, she did cook. Only when my parents were not at home. Before engagement, she said she didn’t own an umbrella. Just to see her face, i would drive all the way from my place to give her the umbrella. I might sound orthodox, but i think this is an effort.
Why would i even think of making her life miserable? I was a single child, i know what loneliness is. I know every girl misses their home and comfort post marriage and it is a huge sacrifice. But she should also have given me time to figure her out. Instead, she said she cant teach me her likes and dislikes everytime we had a misunderstanding. Isnt relationship a two way street? Shouldn’t both the people involved put efforts in understanding this relationship?
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AExactly and then he wants to drag his parents in the new house. If you’re so dependent on your parents, why even bother to marry?
How is the woman supposed to develop any affection and sexual attraction towards him when his parents are in the house. It’s so awkward. Looks like he involves his parents in everything. How is she supposed to get sexually involved with him within couple months? He didn’t even go for a honeymoon and is already so entitled for sex. He has nothing in his mind except sex. What a desperate virgin. -
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USorry that you and your parents have go through this. Please be with your parents and take care of yourself and your parents. This is not their age to suffer. Mental health is a serious issue, hope you balance it out.
As i read through your story, i for a second thought someone that i knew was writing more or less about my married life. I have been on similar receiving front where even my MIL does not allow her daughter to spend a week with my parents (even my wife has same mindset as MIL) and all i get is constant blame, arguments, some high frequency words (harassments, torture etc). Also living apart.
Try to document evidence for your story. A lawyer told me the trend is to overwhelm guy with cases so as to extort large amount before consenting for mutual settlement.
Also all your concerns are valid. Also valid are few points raised by folks here (affair?).
I would suggest to call in a meeting with elders (check and involve 2-3 folks from both parties apart from your parents) and try to come to an agreement on how to navigate this relationship (aka some sense into her mom and thereby her). If it does not work out, try time-boxed marriage counseling else you will need to make yourself and your parents strong (easy to type than done – similar boat as you).
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VI’m going to downvote all posts about guys marrying virtual strangers and then crying about the consequences.
Just man up and live alone!
Why stay with someone you have nothing in common with?
As for this situation, her boy bestie is her bf who is screwing her daily while you beg her to hold hands.
Initiate divorce and move on. Don’t stay stuck or more problems will come to you.
If she gets pregnant from her bf, then you’ll have to support that bastard…
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UOP, this sounds eerily similar to my case. I travel 25 kms one way to the office. My partner has never been in a relationship. I have intense moods.
Firstly, I don’t know her side of the story so I can’t talk about that. However, a new relationship needs time and space. If you promised her seperate space near her office, that should have been executed on. It’s very very hard for a woman to come to a new place, travel and slog at work, and thennnn be all romantic or lovey dovey with you. You need to take some things off her plate. It seems like her frustration is largely due to the newness of everything.
You saying you don’t know how to care is also slightly unacceptable. You should learn and improve your skills to be a better partner if you have any intention of making this work.
This just got escalated wayy beyond it should have. Many men don’t know how to be in equal relationships. You gotta give her space to unwind after a hectic work day. If I am working 14 hrs a day, there’s no way I’d want to talk to another human being after I come home let alone navigate the challenges of in laws and marriage.
You should stop dropping and picking up as well because it’s a lot of mental and physical load on you.
To me this seems fixable through space and couples counseling
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