- This topic has 54 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
UMy 27-year-old unemployed brother refuses to help at home, disrespects our parents, and blames them for his failures**
I don’t know what to do about my brother. He’s 27, unemployed, and doesn’t contribute to the household in any way. He doesn’t even do the bare minimum, like turning off lights when he leaves his room. He orders fast food every few days instead of eating home-cooked meals. He stays up all night on his laptop or phone and sleeps all day.
The worst part is how he treats our parents. He blames them for his failures and never takes responsibility for his own life. Our father used to be strict when we were kids—he would hit him when he got bad grades—but he has completely changed now. Despite that, my brother still hates him and shows zero respect. My parents are fed up, but they still provide for him financially.
Recently, he had a breakup, and that’s when we even found out he was in a relationship. Even then, my father didn’t say anything, which is rare for most Indian parents. One incident really broke my father’s heart: My brother had to take a government exam in another city, and my father took him there. After the exam, my father was hungry because he hadn’t eaten all day, but my brother ignored that and went to meet his ex. My father waited for an hour before finally deciding to go look for him. He found him sitting in a park with the girl. He called me crying, saying, “This is what he’s doing.” It was heartbreaking.
Now, my brother claims that his ex cheated on him, and he even said he wants to call the police on her. I told him that men don’t have many legal rights in India regarding relationships, and it would only bring trouble to our family. Even after informing the girl’s family about what she did, he is still obsessed with knowing where she lives and whom she meets. He constantly gathers this information through their common friends.
And don’t even get me started on his anger issues. When I confronted him and told him that because of his behavior, our parents’ mental health is declining—especially since they are not at an age where they can handle this stress—he got violent. He even hit me that day, despite the fact that I was the one who supported him during his breakup, listening to his rants and trying to help him move on.
We even tried getting him into therapy. He went for about a month but then refused to continue or make any effort to change. He just doesn’t want to help himself, and it’s exhausting.
At this point, I don’t even know what to do. If I say anything, he gets violent. My parents are not in a position to handle this kind of stress, and I feel helpless. Please, if anyone has dealt with a situation like this, I really need advice. What should I do?
-
UHe is 27?? With no empathy?? You can expect that with someone like my age if he has gone through some shit alone I mean for the empathy(i am not saying I lack empathy) part but violent and refuses to change is too much and 27 unemployed is even more….. I’m 21 btw…
-
-
SHe is in a bad spiral and only he can pick himself out. Most people like this learn after falling in their face. Sooner or later he will do something that lands him in Jail, just don’t bail him out then and you can live happily… Parents are emotional fools towards their children especially the bad ones (i fail to understand why).
-
-
SIn my experience of seeing similar families, mostly it’s either police arrest of the child (girl/boy) or they start hitting the parents.
On very few occasions they change by owning up their mistakes which mainly happens due to some new influence in their life in the form of a friend (again surprisingly whom they like to listen too.)
Also, rarely they die in a road accident or fight with goons which again in some form or other is a relief for the family.
-
-
-
-
-
-
UAll you can do is wait. I am in almost similiar boat my brother is not violent but alcoholic. Life has it’s own way of fixing things. Take care of yourself and make sure that it doesn’t affect your sanity.
Edit: typo
-
-
RI just have a hunch that your parents are not innocent in this, they have a part to play in his situation now. Having said that, I’m not condoning your brother’s behaviour. He needs to pick himself up. If he takes therapy seriously then he might be able to process his issues. But at this stage it seems unlikely. I’m not a lawyer, so I’m not sure what legal options you have in such a case. If his violent behaviour continues then you have an option to make a police complaint for domestic abuse, although I’m not sure about that. I see two possible options. One is that your father/parents kick him out and let him figure things out on his own. Second option is you find an opportunity to get away from this environment and focus on your life first.
-
UI want to keep my parents safe their mental health ismy priority for i can’t leave them here especially my mom she don’t deserve any of this
-
UUnfortunately, if you delay therapy for the entire family, things will get worse and worse. Taking any step otherwise, will be a risk for everyone. Your parents might be getting sympathy from you, but they’re not innocent. Environment, awareness, etc doesn’t matter. Consequences are consequences. Once the karma is done, it’s fruits aren’t avoidable. Consider putting together finances and assets and moving to a big city where you can start afresh and heal.
-
-
-
-
-
UHe stopped beating not because he changed, he stopped because the son grew up and the father could no longer dominate him. Your father is to blame 100%.
-
-
-
-
-
-
USame scene here man. He is the eldest son, and has a massive ego without doing any work. My parents are tired of helping him to land any job. He plays online mobile games every night, and literally has 0 accountability on his part. Doesn’t wanna do a sales job and need some office sitting job, but never tries to upskill himself.
-
-
IThere’s no telling how physical abuse would shape a person. Your father physically abused your brother “if he had bad grades” means he used to beat him up at his every other mistake as well. So his whole persona is based on that – the only sense of wrong he has is something that will get him beaten up. Something that doesn’t get him beaten up is right. Now that nothing gets him beaten up, he’s doing nothing wrong. You won’t get it because you didn’t get beat up in childhood to teach you the difference between right and wrong. Of course he would blame them for his breakup – when he was doing something wrong in his relationship, his father didn’t beat him up like always to stop him. Of course he will track his ex all the time, as his dad did with him and probably everyone now says that it was a form of love.
I was physically abused by my father all throughout my childhood, teenage and until I was 21 and moved out. The rest of my extended family knew about this and did little to nothing to help me. Today I don’t have a relationship with my dad and suddenly all of my extended family thinks that I should let bygones be bygones. As if, the first 21 years of my life didn’t happen. Apparently beating me up was my father’s love language. I tell them that 20 years later, when they would blame me for not having a relationship with my dad today, I would ask them to let bygones be bygones.
My point is that people who saw the abuse and didn’t do anything to stop it has no right asking the abused to suddenly change because it’s uncomfortable for the abuser now. Your parents (both of them) were abusers. Your dad by making the physical abuse and your mom by not stopping it. And now they are crying because it’s uncomfortable for them and you being the golden child can’t see anything wrong of your parents.
-
UI totally agree with u tel, one do u also did domestic violence? Also my parents never tracked him plus they never even asked why is he needing so much money when he was in bachelor he spent it all on games and go backs in bsc only in covid he cleared them all by cheating
-
IMost of my relationships were abusive (me getting abused) because I only saw love when being abused. It took years of therapy and my wife to heal me. I did spent a lot of money on games. But it’s pointless to compare, because no two people react to abuse the same way. I managed to come back because I hit rock bottom and I had to take charge of my life for my son. I was adamant not to be a father like my dad was.
-
-
UThis.
From your brother’s POV – he’s 27 but he had a terrible childhood. Who knows how it impacted him or changed his personality. At this point he’s frustrated by his failures and aggressive that your father did nothing to prevent it and also that you are doing well.
Your brother needs treatment and not therapy. And your parents need to handle that. They brought a child into the world , treated him badly and now just cry seeing how it all turned out.
You decide what do you want to do. Either put your mental health at stake and keep watching this shitshow. eventually move out. Or make your parents realize their mistake and get them to do what’s right.
Your brother needs both the treatment and love. It will take some time before the ice breaks. The day you get to see first empathic response should mark the beginning of reversal.
-
UWe are actually treating him with love we never ask him why is he ordering stuff every other day we never ask him to help us in the household work or take any responsibility we never complain about his behavior or why is he wake up all night sleep all day even after he hit me although I’m the one who help him with his breakup phase nobody said anything to him can u plz give me some advice how can I handle these things while still maintaining peace in my home I’m only 23 I don’t know how to deal with any of this….
-
UIt is not above ‘agreeing’ to everything and ‘letting go’ of the aggressive behavior. He needs treatment + at the same time needs to be emphatically reminded of good vs bad behaviour. Do not treat him as a 27 yo but say a teen who will be defiant yet needs guidance.
Take him to a good psychiatrist. And may be counselling sessions for your parents on how to handle this .
At the same time, you need to take care of yourself too. This can impact your mental peace.
-
-
UI can understand that. I’m dealing with a dementia patient with BPSD. It’s very challenging.
Maybe take a step back. Consult a psychologist, tell them all the history and ask for ways to convince your brother for treatment. Somehow I feel, your brother is looking for a confession from your father that his way of handling impacted your brother’s personality. .. But a psychologist can tell better.
Good luck.
-
UOk thanks I’ll definitely consult a psychiatric plus if u know any online resources about this… That would be really helpful in our area I’ve tried reaching out to different Dr s but I don’t think so they are good…
-
Ucheck [practo.com](http://practo.com)
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
UAlso I’m not a golden child my parents always treated us equally I never performed good as much as my brother did during his school years for the beating part yes I do agree I was never beaten as bad as my brother and I do agree that it can affect people differently but I was little back then but I want to help him out even though he hit me but he’s still my brother…. Also I can’t see my mother and father like this they are getting old I want to make things right
-
-
-
-
UWhy everyone in your household going soft on his behavior? Everyone should have some weak side or something or somewhere there are vulnerable. Using it against him to get him first into listening phase. Only then you can put some sense to him.
Remove his laptop, ask him to work and earn it himself. Tell there is no free food or at least send him to Swiggy delivery for sometime. Make him feel the heat, most of the aggressive behavior is the result of knowing he/she will face no consequences.
First step – show him the consequences of his behavior and actions
-
-
-
-
UYou need a family counselor. Your father has changed but even if you and God forgive him, your neural systems won’t. The experience of being beaten when young, will subconsciously remain and it’s very hard to repair. You need a family counselor immediately.
If his lack of empathy is because of something else, like actual brain conditions like psychopathy, that’s something else but otherwise, it could be a result of abuse. Anyway, I’m not the doctor, and cannot diagnose. But this isn’t something you cannot handle on your own without professional help.
-
UThanks I’m just 23 I’m trying my best …. I’m searching for online resources bcz our area don’t have much drs…
-
USorry to say, that’s difficult. Most of these type of doctors are located in Metro cities.
What’s your household income around and how can you organize resources for his rehab?
-
UI think I’ll first take the session myself only the fee is around 500 something I’ll use my pocket money 4 dat then after consulting the dr I’ll take steps accordingly I’m trying to put both my father n brother on therapy if they willing to ….. that’s what am thinking
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
