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I’m 18M preparing for JEE and my family situation has become unbearable.
My father earns around 80k/month and will retire in about 5 years, but he has multiple hidden loans and debt issues. For years he has lied to us saying the constant calls he gets are “spam”, but me and my mother eventually found out they are mostly lenders and recovery calls.
The worst part is that he keeps taking debt for alcohol, luxury spending, and sexual/intimate activities while we are struggling financially as a lower middle class family.
Whenever he runs out of money, he emotionally blackmails and pressures my mother into giving him her savings, LIC money, insurance money, etc. My mother has spent years saving for me and my brother, but most of it has gone into paying his debts.
Recently he even went to my mother’s workplace and pressured her into signing loan papers there because she couldn’t create a scene publicly. He humiliates her in front of others whenever she resists, so eventually she gives in just to stop the harassment.
Now we are getting court notices and even our rented house situation is unstable. I’m genuinely scared we might become bankrupt or homeless one day.
The hardest part is that I’m supposed to focus on JEE and my future, but instead I feel like I’m watching my family collapse in slow motion. My mother keeps saying “what will people think?” so she doesn’t want to involve relatives or seek help.
I don’t hate my father, but I’m exhausted, angry, scared, and honestly ashamed of what our life has become.
I just wanted to vent because I feel trapped between saving my future and saving my family.
What kind of legal steps can I take?
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UNAL, from what all I’ve noticed in regards to family problems and personal experience, you cannot do nothing. Literally. Until unless your mom steps forward with full heart, and not half-hearted, ONLY then there is a chance for some progress to happen. There is nothing in your hand. I can fully relate the “saving MY family” part, im suffering too. Don’t focus on it, leave everything on their heads, you are a child, its not your responsibility in the first place. I went to the police 5 times in the span of 5 months, changed houses 6 times, still nothing has changed, all my exams though got ruined even more.
“so eventually she gives in just to stop the harassment.”
No, she dosen’t want to change. I’ve seen exactly with my mother too, EXACT. Its trauma-bond, she likes it, it sounds horrendous but it is what it is.Fill every single exam and leave the house, BITS, MET, VIT, SRM, IPMAT, IMUCET (for merchant navy), NCHMJEE (for hotel management, extremely cheap course).
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CThe son is 18M. He needs to step the fuck up and defend his mom from any physical harm. This is break it or make it.
“Log kya kahenge” needs to tossed out too. Too late for all that.
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UEasier said than done. Most Indian families have complicated dynamics and it’s not even about log kya kahenge, it is about can you risk your family on that one decision? Bcz you can do all the hard work but still the outcome depends on various factors irl.
Rn he needs to finish his JEE and get into college, which is an extremely crucial time. He needs to focus without getting dragged into these things or else the score won’t let him get into a good college.
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UTrust me, it’s not going to stop, one of my close relative is similar, we lost lots of gold, still problems are not over, it’s going to be headache and you family health is going to deteriorate, you won’t get sleep at night, and even if the debt become zero he is going to borrow more, it’s an addiction.
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USimple don’t give him the money, but mine will be different because he living in other house with his wife,if will emotional blackmail you, try all emotional stuff,, get angry, just stop talking ,and most important thing the elder generation does, don’t tell him everything, especially about finances, when he realize you are poor,then he will not ask you, hide you mothers gold, land deed, avoid signing papers,ect. Play emotional if he play,(usually it don’t have any impact on him) ours was my grandfather was really smart and cut and the financial support to my uncle, but pay for some health activity.
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UEarn yourself help him financially then, don’t bark on the internet about your father, he’s done everything for you guys and still no regard for him, try to help him.
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UNAL and probably an unpopular opinion, I am expecting this comment to be downvoted to hell, but here it goes.
Change the title to “**My mother is destroying our family financially my enabling my father and refusing to take a stand and I don’t know what to do anymore**”
I’m pretty sure the signs were there years back and this had to be done much earlier, but there is still time to divorce the dude and please stand by your mom and tell your neighbors and relatives to fuck off if it ever comes to it.
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UHave been through similar situation, when father has unresolved mental issues and does not want to accept and work on his fu*k all behavior/habits this happens. I don’t know what you can do legally, as your mother is not going to divorce him until he “dies”. But, keep your mind calm-steady be consistent and drop all dependencies on your parents.
It will be next to impossible but if you are able to figure-out the problem, you are capable to solve it.
You be sacrificing a lot so yeah, go workout that helped me a lot.
PS- find a good woman, it will keep you sane. Also save yourself so you can save your family. It sounds selfish but it is what it is!!Remember- walk on a broken foot, leave no trace of your hands on anyone’s shoulder (anyone).
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Ui feel so fxkin sorry for you bro.
as a 30+ y/o male who have gone through worse than what you mentioned I would suggest…
1. tell your mother to go away with you to live in some other house/apartment.
2. just focus on your studies
3. have good friendships & support channels in your future college
4. You will do awesome without his materialistic shadow. You dont need to feel guilty about anything. Your father chose a way and he is walking on it despite knowing all the realities of life.You cant do much to help him.
I have realized debt is an addiction as well just like other bits – my father took more than 30L debt from banks, personal lenders, politicians, goons etc. in the period of 2007-2016 in the name od my college + school fee – he was a senior manager in bank & was let go due to his own mistake – but then he never went back to job (I was 17 then) & just was so fxkin stubborn to not take any job – still he doesnt work (he does property broker thingy -which is shyte) – eventually i paid it all while supporting them & I still support my mom dad as they don’t have any income and fxkall, again he did a property brokerage deal in which he fxked it all up once again & accrued a loan of 20L – and this time I an not helping him at all. I just pay for their rent and food & have stopped discussing about the goons/notices/court dates that he receives.
Its so sick man, I wish I would have never paid that 50L tbh. I know some might say i am a horrible son but fxk it man, it just feels so hurtful, & i dont want another bro to suffer from this.
With a very heavy heart, I had to decide a boundary, so all I want to say to you is, their is a separation of duties thats mentioned even in the philosophical direction of the Upanishads:
Respect parents? Yes.
Care for family? Yes.
Blindly inherit all suffering, mistakes, ego, or irresponsibility? Not really.
Ultimate responsibility is toward dharma and truth, not emotional blackmail disguised as tradition.You are a teenager, I wish someone has told me what I wrote today.
But eventually the call is yours. Discuss with your mom that someone with a realistic similar story has shared all of it, can you help me pave my path?
Or if you are in complete blind love with your dad as I was, then let go of the suffering & the things that your dad is facing & just do whatever best you can & never give up.
Because either ways, you gonna shine!
Take care bro -
UYou cannot destroy life of your mother and yourself just because of “what society will think” syndrome, are they going to feed you when you become homeless?, are they gonna pay your debts?. Ask you mother to divorce that dude let him rot, he is at an age to understand what he is doing. Without any hesitation file for divorce and move out away from him, he will deal with lenders and stuff. Focus on your studies and Do you best in your JEE because college matters a lot.
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UFirst thing: do NOT sign anything. No guarantor papers, no “temporary” loan forms, nothing
Second, stop thinking you can personally fix your father through sacrifice or emotional talks. Debt addiction + alcohol + humiliation tactics usually don’t magically stop because the son studies harder
And honestly your top priority right now has to be escape velocity through education. That sounds selfish until you realize becoming financially stable is literally the only realistic leverage you’ll have later
Your mother also needs to stop protecting “log kya kahenge” more than her own future. That mentality has already cost enough
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Uthere was a similar situation in my case at one point, somebody gave me a piece of advice which turned out to be really wise:
“save yourself first”
secure your future anyway you can. you have your youth, and so you have an opportunity to land in rooms where important work is done. fight tooth and nail to get there somehow.
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