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UI got married to my husband 5 years back. Ours was an arranged marriage and they (my in-laws) didn’t tell us about my brother in law having a mental health disorder called bipolar disorder. 2 years into the marriage it was revealed that my BIL has such issue that too when he had a maniac phase. Now my husband has been telling me to take care of his BIL just like how my MIL does and I have to take care of him after them as I have no choice. I retaliated by telling him as I can’t give him such care, for which he simply says there’s no choice. I told him I was not told before marriage about this, and he is not listening to me. I have already faced many issues in this marriage regarding my in law’s relations with my parents, comments by my in-laws on my parents gifts during our marriage and many more things. I do love my husband a lot and I am committed to him in all ways, but all of this makes me suffocate in this marriage. I already have a child to take care off and now this responsibility is over whelming for me. I am not telling him nor do I want him to leave looking after his brother at all.. but burdening me with this responsibility is what I am not ready to do. I have my own future plans too. I want to know what are my options if his stance doesn’t change over this?
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UDivorce him, and file for alimony. Evaluate your life carefully – are you better single or in the marriage? From what you have written, it seems being single is better, so just quit. Don’t suffer.
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UI hear you, and I completely understand why you’re feeling overwhelmed. As a doctor, both professionally and personally, I know that caregiving, especially for someone with bipolar disorder, is a huge emotional, mental, and physical commitment. It requires patience, time, and a lot of energy, which you’re already giving to your child and marriage. Unfortunately the burden of caregiving falls very unequally on the women of the family, often without considering their emotions and thoughts on it. Feeling like this responsibility is being placed on you without choice is understandably suffocating.
First, it’s okay to set boundaries. Caring for your BIL is a shared family responsibility, but that doesn’t mean it should fall solely on you. Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about what you *can* do realistically while also making it clear what you *cannot*. Instead of arguing about “having no choice,” try shifting the conversation to practical solutions: such as professional caregiving support, involving other family members, or even getting guidance from a therapist who specializes in caregiving stress.
Second, you were not informed about this before marriage, which is understandably frustrating. That does not mean you don’t empathize with your BIL, but it does mean you should have had the opportunity to decide how to prepare for such a responsibility. That was unfair to you, and it’s okay to acknowledge that.
Third, remind your husband that a *forced* caregiver is not an *effective* caregiver. If you take on this role unwillingly, it will only lead to resentment and exhaustion: for both you and your BIL. Instead, a sustainable, balanced approach is needed. Maybe your support can look different- helping in small ways while ensuring that primary care remains with those who are most capable of handling it, either family members or professionals.
You love your husband, and you’re committed to your family. That love and commitment are valid *without* sacrificing your mental well-being. It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself, your child, and your own future plans. If your husband is unwilling to hear you, then couples counseling or a mediated discussion may help bridge the gap.
You deserve a marriage where both of you support each other *equally*. Your feelings are valid, and setting boundaries does not mean you don’t care: it means you care about everyone involved, including yourself. ❤️
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UYou don’t seem to be a good doctor and good in counseling either. What is there for her to take a balanced approach? She was screwed over. Plain and simple
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UYour comment about my ability as a doctor and counselor (which I’m not) is unwarranted, but I’ll address the core of your argument. You’re absolutely right that she was misled (and I’ve also acknowledged), which is completely unfair. That should NOT be dismissed or sugarcoated. However, the reality is that she is now in this situation, and simply acknowledging that she was “screwed over” doesn’t offer her a way forward: it just reinforces the injustice without providing solutions. It’s not the easiest to “leave”, even though it should be – this comes from my experience of being conditioned , pressured and asked to take on caregiving roles of members of my family.
The reason I suggested a balanced approach is because real life isn’t black and white. She mentions that she loves her husband, she has a child, and she is deeply invested in this marriage despite the challenges. The goal wasn’t to invalidate her anger but to help her navigate this situation in a way that protects her mental well-being and future while also ensuring she isn’t forced into an unwanted caregiver role.
It’s easy to say, “She was deceived, end of story,” but that doesn’t help her decide what to do next. What does help is figuring out how to set boundaries, communicate her needs effectively, and explore options that allow her to maintain her own life without being pressured into something she never signed up for. If her husband refuses to see reason, then yes, she may have to make a difficult choice about her future, but that should come from a place of empowerment, not just frustration.
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UThis is a very well-thought out and reasonable take. Too often people on reddit are quick to jump to divorce as the solution for everything but real life isn’t that simple. She herself mentions that she doesn’t earn enough to live independently, her parents’ support is limited, she has a child and most importantly, she does love her husband. In this situation, trying to resolve the issue through practical solutions, at least to begin with, is the best approach. If all else fails, then yes, she would be left with no choice but to file for a divorce. But acting like life is so black and white really doesn’t help anyone.
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Uwtf are parents doing ? Why are they evading their responsibilities. It also means they themselves don’t love their son and see him as a burden.
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UNo it’s not like that they are evading their responsibility. My husband wants me to also start taking care of him as after them he would be our responsibility and more likely mine. He says consider him as your other child!
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PHow old is your BIL ?
What happens if you can’t do it or “forget” about it ?
So many second wives totally disregard the care and upkeep of their minor step kids. I mean you could do the same,Do the absolute bare minimum, like cooking for example, and if asked you can simply say “look I’m doing whatever I can” and leave the room. Make it such that they need to think twice before asking you, after all they need you not to the other way around.
Slowly this also you can transition out of, just say you got very busy with your kid etc.
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UDon’t fall for such emotional manipulation. BPD by itself can be managed by medications and people can lead a quality life. Probably he has other ailments if he needs around the clock care from family. Get them to get him diagnosed properly, ask them to treat him. He is not your responsibility. Caring for another person is draining even if it’s your own child or parents. So say no, and be ready to bear the consequences. Still you will have a much better life compared to one based on servitude and caring for your bil.
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UTwo options: if possible, hire full time maid for BIL , else leave this marriage for your own sanity. Caretaking is brutal responsibility so if you take on it now, essentially your good life is over. It was honestly betrayal by your husband to not share this important information before marriage. Just put your foot down. People take advantage of only those people who are too easy going and take on anything. And don’t care about what society thinks, they can think anything they like but they are not living your life.
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U1. Imagine if you were in his situation and it was your sister who had a mental disorder? Would you not want your husband to take care of her?
2. BPD is usually diagnosed in early/mid 20s. So consider if they really hid this info from you or it the diagnosis happened later.
3. A marriage means your responsibilities are his and his are yours. You both need to adjust your attitude, or this marriage wont last damaging the both of you seriously.
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U1. In that situation My husband will not take care of my sister citing it’s not his responsibility.. it’s your parents or her husband’s.
2. Yes they hid it from me coz he is said to be suffering from this condition since his college days which is around 8-9 years back. I got to know about all the history from MIL later.
3. I can’t expect the same thing from him as he has never done anything for my family and mostly is reluctant or half heartedly does anything for them. -
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UWhy narrative is build to make men take care of wife and children etc as progressive and women taking care of Husband and family as regressive?
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UTell him if he’s so concerned, she should take care of him. In real sense, it’s not the responsibility of either one of you, it’s just a moral expectation of society and family. If anyone should do it, it should be your husband. You shoyls be firm on your stand. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a person who dislikes people with mental challenges. It’s just your own choice and you should stick to it.
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UYou seem like a decent human being. You are being manipulated by your husband and in-laws. Bipolar condition is not an easy one to begin with. Many of them will be suicidal most of the time. One wrong move and this so call husband of yours is going to blame you for everything. So don’t take responsibility of your BIL because you will run into more issues than just exhaustion.
Only thing left to do is take a break, stay on your own and see how your husband reacts. You will be able to understand if he only cares for his parents and brother.
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ULet me be clear, the manic episode lasts a few days or weeks and post that the person starts getting his senses back and becomes normal? Isn’t you BIL back to normal since his manic attack. Also you learned about it after two years that means your BIL was normal and he shall get to normal. I know it’s difficult for anyone to take care of someone with mental disorder and your husband is absolutely at fault to ask you to do that but do answer my question
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UIn the initial days of my marriage i was not living with my in-laws as my husband worked in a different state. While we were there his BIL got a maniac episode for which he had to rush home telling me he has come up with urgent work. Then after some days he told me about the actual situation of his brother. This happened after around 2 years into marriage.
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CThere are homes for this kind of thing but that costs a decent bit of money. A nursing attendant is another option.
Really depends on what you mean by taking care of him. Give this some thought.
You are caught in this situation. Whatever decision you take, take it quickly. Specifically, if you intend to get a job and/or leave them don’t delay. No point in wasting more time if you want to leave.
If you are on the wrong train, get off at the next station. The longer you wait, the more time and expense to return.
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USay no, it’s not your responsibility to take care of your bil. Be ready to be called as evil and heartless etc but it’ll release you from the burden of caregiving for life. The wife of my uncle-in-law did this, and refused to take care of my MIL’s sister, who was mentally and physically challenged. She is villified for this decision and even now doesn’t have a good relationship with the family, however imo, she escaped an even worser life. My MIL’s sister was moved to a carehome after her parents’ death, and the siblings let go of their inheritance and gave all the money and pension from the parents to her care. It worked out quite well.
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UPlease don’t seek advice for such serious matter here ….people here are frustrated …they think divorce is only option for every thing ….yes it’s a easy way out but not the only way out ….how’s your BIL behavior towards you ?? Why no one asking genuine questions ….feminists on reddit should have some shame before breaking a home …atleast think about the child
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UPlease discuss this once again with your husband before taking divorce .people here easily suggesting divorce like marriage to them has become toy ..
There are many phases in life where such condition arises.
Discuss it ,and tell him that’s it’s his brother and you are already overloaded with responsibility and taking care of another person us overwhelming for you.Then if he doesn’t agree then you can freely choose to talk about separation .
Maybe he may agree on your terms..
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QNAL…
OP don’t pay heed to the plums and cantaloupes and other fruits asking you to leave your husband or stay with your folks.
You have a job, career and a child. That’s a lot.
What you can do instead is try to speak to your husband to see if you can have a helper hired to care for the BIL. Or if that’s not feasible, then reason with your family to have the BIL committed to a psychiatric facility.
Also bipolar disorder can be managed with the right combination of treatment, medicine, psychiatric therapy, and outpatient programs which can help your BIL live a better healthier life.
Consider the above option.
Hope this helps..
Disclaimer: Please note, the information provided above does NOT constitute legal advice/service or any other advice/service. The above information, links, images and or videos is purely for generic advice, suggestion, information and educational purposes only. There is NO legal liability or consequences that can be attributed to the provider of the above information. Advice seekers are requested to please contact and confirm with their respective lawyer/s for further clarity and legal counsel regarding the legal matters / concerns / issues raised by them on this online forum / platform.
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UWell I have sympathy towards ur BIL dealing with mental conditions is not something easy….have some sympathy towards him. He is your husband’s (whom you love) brother, treat him like your own child. He need you, just take care as a sake of humanity instead god will surely gift you for this deed. Mental conditions sucks, it is as same as being paralyzed…he needs ur understanding
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ESo he essentially married you by fraud, did not tell you about his brother and how his family is auditioning you for becoming his unpaid caretaker for life. And then he baby trapped you so that it is impossible for you to leave and never gave you the choice in case you don’t want responsibility. This is an abusive marriage. Get out when you are still young. Caring for someone with mental disability is a thankless and soul sucking job, especially when they are not even related to you.
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UStop listening to stupid advises given here. Judging the husband based on that simple fact is pure idiocy which most of the commenters here have indulged in. Marriage is not just about you and your partner and your kid atleast not in India. People need to be taken care of at some point in life or other. What if the brother developed those issues after your marriage? I understand you not being told about this was wrong. But there are many issues in life which we don’t know if they will solve themselves in the future or not.
When you marry someone you marry into their family and you become a part of that family. You would expect the same help from your in laws if something similar were to befall you in future. If you always behave like an outsider to a family you will remain an outsider to them. A family pulls through tough situations together.
Firstly assess what taking care of BIL actually entails. Whether he is bedridden or not. If he’s functional and his issues are under control. If all he needs is a loving environment and meals it’s not a big deal.
If the situation is worse you need to discuss how your husband can help share the responsibility as it will be too overwhelming. Stress to him you are ready but will need his help. Whether he needs a caretaker or not. Discuss and find a middle ground. Such situations arise in every family and marriage and finding ways to work them out is how you make a marriage work. Juvenile options like running away are not justified unless you face abuse or there are compatibility issues.
Have a happy life ahead. -
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NIf your brother had mental health issues could you have expected the same from him… Take care, no choice..
This simply means this is not an equal marriage.. You are his servant (Sorry about the language).
You love him, does he love you too?
Bipolar can be managed well with medication in most of the cases.. The BIL can take care of himself.. Or your husband should take care of him, he is his brother…
If he is among those unfortunate ones whose cases are more difficult.. Y’all can decide to take him to a live in facility for mental illness..
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