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UI’m really torn right now and could use some advice on how to handle things legally. I’ll try to keep this as raw and honest as possible.
My parents have been fighting my entire life, and I’ve been caught in the middle of a lot of physical and mental abuse up until I was about 20. I also have an older sibling who had to sacrifice her higher education just to help support the family and get a job. For months, my dad would completely ignore us after a fight(which he use to start every time). He’d cook for himself or eat outside while still living in the same house. It was hard to deal with such issues throughout my whole childhood.
Once my sister started working and there was no longer financial dependence on my dad, the physical abuse stopped, but the mental abuse didn’t. There were still regular fights every couple of months, most of them initiated by my dad(most of times it was due to money). We are from middle class family and since he was the sole bread winner, he used to hurl abuses whenever someone of us needed some money.
There are moments when he behaves well, but those good times don’t last. Last year, after I started working, I had enough. After a big fight, I decided to take my mom to stay with me and proceed towards ending things. I wanted to finally separate them. But within a few months, my dad came begging us to let him back, saying he was sorry. My mom, who’d been tolerating it for years, couldn’t make the decision to leave him for good. She kept thinking about how it would affect my sister’s future and what people would think, given that my dad is in his late 50s and my mom is in her early 50s.
I used to try to explain things to both of them, so as to keep the family together. Growing up, I had a rough childhood, so I’m still afraid of what he might do to me, especially since he’s always been extremely violent. So, over the past year, I ended up being the mediator every time, telling both of them to let things go and to stop thinking like that. But now, after another huge fight, I can’t do it anymore. I’m ready to take the step to legally end things.
What’s really tearing me apart is that now my dad is older and retired. He acts all innocent, doesn’t even say much when we try to talk to him about the reasons behind everything. But before, he used to beat us up and the verbal abuse was extreme. I feel conflicted because he did support me financially and helped me get where I am today, so I feel some sort of debt to him. But at the same time, I know that my mom deserves a better life than this, and I can’t keep pretending things will change. I also feel like I’ll lose my dad for good if I go through with this, and it hurts because there were good times when he was there for me, he did his best to educate me, even though it was hard on all of us.
So now I’m at a point where I need advice on how to proceed legally. I know I’ve made the decision in my mind, but the emotional turmoil is overwhelming. How do I process this legally, and how do I handle the guilt and confusion I’m feeling right now? Thanks in advance.
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UNAL and not legal advice. I understand how all of this has made you feel like you’re responsible to take action on this, but no you’re not, in fact by doing that you’re looking backward instead of forward, your place is as their child, not as an equal, you decide for you only, not for them, they’re adults and made their choice, whether active or passive, you move forward, and let this stay behind. There’ll be times of guilt but that too isn’t your burden to carry.
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UTrue, I might have worded it wrong. I’m not the one making the decision here, but given that my mom doesn’t have anyone besides me and my sister to support her, I feel like the weight of it is on us. While I completely understand and agree with her decision for separation, I can’t help but feel the way I do.
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UFirst of all, you seem to be a nice human being who is being torn between practicality and genuine sentiments. While I can’t tell you what you should do I can give you some viewpoints.
1. Before taking any decisions on behalf of anybody always think of long term consequences. Down the road there are high chances that your mother or father might blame you for their physical separation and mention that it was not something they had wanted. Will you be strong enough to stand your ground that time?
2. Typically in Indian middle class families ‘values’ are prioritized over peace. That’s one of the main reasons women who are in abusive relationships do not want to move out. Your mother being from that generation would struggle to see logic in this decision and still won’t agree for this. You must think about this first, will she really be happy if she moves out with you?
3. The guilt you feel for doing this to your father because of the good times you had will be there lifelong if you decide to pull the trigger. While your practical side would tell you that you had done the right thing, the other side of your mind will always ask you ‘what-if?’ Be ready for that conflict within your mind and be strong enough to remain practical.
4. Do you feel there would be problem in getting your sister married if the separation happens? After all these things are still big deals in Indian societies. What does your sister say and feel about this?
5. Will your father be able to live on his own if the separation happens? If this is inevitable then perhaps you might need to make some arrangements for his comforts and safety. There will be a recurring financial obligation as well.
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UIt might have come out wrong, but I’m not the one making the decision. I’m just standing by my mother. She’s tried to make this decision over the years but couldn’t take the final step. There’s been no one from her family to support her, and now that my sister and I have financial independence, we are her only support through this. I don’t think my sister’s marriage will be affected by this decision, nor should it hold her back in any way. Honestly, even after a separation, I feel that I should still take responsibility for my father and be there for him, that’s what I plan to do.
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UThe cycle of abuse and lovebombing is perfected by an abuser to an extent that they gaslight the victims into thinking that the abuser shouldn’t be left behind.
Your dad recognized that he doesn’t have the sole power now that you aren’t dependent on him and he’s in his old age and is lonely. But he doesn’t recognise that it’s his fault that made this environment/loneliness possible.
I feel for your mother, you and your sister as well. But idk if it’d be your place to separate them as they’re adults themselves.
Please tell you mother that a financial independent person, both son and daughter, has a better, secure, safer future than to be pushed into an arrange marriage.
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