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UAsking for a friend: Both partners have advanced degrees (husband is an engineer working on PhD, wife is MBBS doctor and just finished MD all at reputed govt universities). Wife made significantly more money than husband (husband receives PhD stipend while wife was on MD stipend). But the in-laws and husband kept forcing her to transfer her entire salary to husband’s account every month. The wife was more than willing to give her share of monthly expenses, but she did not want to give away her entire pay-cheque because it puts her in a risky financial position.
Now she finished her MD and they moved to a different city for the husband’s thesis work. Wife is searching for job in new city. When wife asks for small things like bhel/movie, the husband gets upset over having to spend money. He frequently stays in his lab until very late night (2-3 am) to avoid spending time with her. The in-laws have become increasingly difficult and mentally/verbally abusive over time due to the wife’s resistance to giving away entire salary. They sometimes tell her stories about how parents of boys in their social circle got gold/furniture/house etc after marriage. In this couple’s case, the wife’s family bore entire marriage expenses but did not give anything else. Both husband and wife’s parents belong to lower middle class and it was arranged marriage within same caste. The wife’s parents cannot afford to give anything else. If the demand of money was place before wedding, they could have said no to the marriage. Now they are helpless.
3 months ago, the wife has given birth to a baby girl and all the delivery expenses were bore by wife’s family. The hope was that things improve after having a baby, but harassment from in-laws has now increased to a breaking point. When the wife complained about harassment from in-laws, the husband did not accept a word against his parents, got very angry and dropped her to her parent’s home with the infant baby.
The in-laws have verbally suggested that they can effortlessly get a new unmarried girl for their handsome, highly educated son and the wife’s life will be forever destroyed. The wife is very beautiful and highly educated as well, but the in-laws do not show any respect for her education. They indirectly suggest that all wives should give their salary to husband as he is head of family. The mother-in-law gave her salary to the father-in-law all her life. They feel that the new girl they bring home will readily give them her salary and bring other gifts as well. It has become increasingly clear that they only married their son to a doctor girl expecting they will take all her money.
The wife wants to save marriage at any cost since the newborn baby girl needs her own family. If the wife separates from husband with a baby girl, remarriage would be near impossible in the traditional indian setting, since most divorced guys do not marry a woman with child. It would be extremely hard to find a person who is educationally compatible with her and ready to accept the child. The in-laws seem to be taking advantage of this situation. The wife is now ready to give her salary and any money she has, if that’s what’s needed to save the marriage. But the wife will have a limited ability to earn over next 3-4 years while the baby is so young (gruelling working hours in her medical specialty), and in-laws are not happy about it.
What kind of legal help could the wife get in this scenario? There is no physical abuse, no drinking, no domestic violence. The wife has no need or interest in getting maintenance from husband. She just wants to save her marriage. She is worried that any legal case against in-laws will bring more retaliation from in-laws and end the marriage. Does their demand for monthly salary come under legal definition of dowry?
Edit:
1) Thank you for all the helpful comments, supportive words, insights and offering an empowering perspective for the wife in this situation. It does seem that divorce (together with possible case of harassment) is the legal solution here.2) When the couple decided they wanted a child, the harassment from in-laws wasn’t anywhere nearly as severe as now. Before pregnancy, the in-laws only hinted that they got ‘rishtas’ from many rich families, that people in their vicinity had received gold, etc. In retrospect, the child should not have been planned until the wife was confident about how the family was treating her.
3) Thank you everyone who shared their personal stories here. Seeing my friend go through this so closely, I can see how hard it can get and as most people suggested here, walking away as single mom is better than continuing a toxic relationship, although it’s not easy.
4) The parents of the wife in this story are very simple folks, who had never traveled beyond 3-4 neighbouring cities, never seen a family court/police station, and lived most of their life in a rural setup. They do want their daughter to be safe and happy (they married their daughter fully believing she will be treated right). There were no red flags until the wedding took place (zero money demands in the wedding ceremony). The above incidents have unfolded over last one year. The wife’s parents haven’t seen a divorce happening in their entire life and these incidents are extremely shocking for them. They are old and vulnerable now, and they worry how their 28 year old daughter will spend all her life alone, after they are gone. They are trying their best to save the marriage (in the sense finding ways to avoid divorce) but they are fully demanding that their daughter should not be harmed by in-laws. If this doesn’t work out, the wife’s parents intend to fully support their daughter and her baby.
5) Unfortunately, the husband is in pathological denial of the fact that his parents are hurting his wife. When the wife’s parents tried to intervene and see if the couple can live away from in-laws, he says that his parents are Gods, he will NEVER leave them and he won’t let the wife ‘break his family’. (But he is okay with leaving his baby growing up in a broken family. He explicitly said he has no feelings towards the baby). He says if the wife has problem with his parents, then the wife will have problems with him because he and his parents are one single entity. Meanwhile, the in-laws have openly expressed that they won’t hesitate in hitting the wife physically (but they haven’t hit her yet).
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UNAL.
Your friend wants to save her marriage at any cost because she rightfully wants her daughter to have a family and remarriage will be difficult. I hope she realises that this is a marriage only on paper. The family that she wants her child to have doesn’t exist and staying in this marriage will not make it materialise. On top of that her child will have to grow up in a toxic environment which has its own consequences. Isn’t it better to get divorced and live an independent happy life than be married on paper and lead a miserable life?
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UWife is a doctor, MD. She could very easily dump his sorry ass, move on and earn boatloads of money without his paycheck. Tf is wrong with people?
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UYep! A big part is the social conditioning. I agree that she is financially independent and has a much higher potential to earn as compared to the husband (she already has a job offer that pays her really well). After learning that she has the offer, the husband literally said this to her “what’s the point of having this job, now you don’t have a husband”. It’s pathetic.
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UTrue, having the child seems to have complicated things. I believe that the harassment increased a lot more after the wife got pregnant. Before that, there was pressure to give salary and hints about how the husband received many proposals from rich families, hints about how people in their social circle got gold, etc. The wife should have waited for a while to really test the situation before deciding to have the child.
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UNAL.
Clear case of dowry and harassment. May be consider using the laws made for this specific purpose.
Saving the marriage will be mostly a futile effort unless the husband has some conscience.
Save all the evidence and let the in laws and husband go through the law. Let the husband pay the maintenance for the baby too. The laws are created for such genuine cases. Use it.
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UHe will have to keep paying child support I hope and assume I have no clue.
Respect is most important. I would divorce and collect the child support and raise my child in a respectful environment.
A single mother home is better than a toxic home with asshole father. That little girl will be happier seeing her mother alone, than see her mother tortured by her father and grandparents daily.
Divorce is the best and only option, and a good one. Keep your self respect and leave.
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APlease ask your friend to remove herself and her child from this situation.
As a person who also went through almost the same thing, I request your friend to remember that there are worse things than divorce.
I was also once naive that fulfilling all their demands will make them treat us right or at least treat the baby right. The situation will only worsen and the same treatment might be meted out to the baby also. -
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UWhen you spot the very first red flag i.e. them asking her to transfer her salary to the husband, that’s when you run for the hills as thing will only get worse. People do not change unless the motivation to change is internal, this guy will never change from what I’ve inferred from the post. She should file for divorce asap.
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UFeeling sad and hurt when a high educated women is still suck in such a situation..
being financially independent or educated doesn’t mean much ..when we are forced into this kind of crap bcoz of social norms and situations..
the husband is a piece of garbage and she needs to throw the garbage out and stay strong ..
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UThe wife and husband need to live independently from in-laws, at least for a few years. Both need to sit down and figure out home financial rules, how they split and manage and earn. This seems to have not been done right away after marriage.
Wouldn’t recommend divorce as yet as there is no hard abuse or cheating. Both are educated as well and can understand each others points. Inlaws might be the concern here
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UYes, the in-laws have been the most abusive. However, the husband here says he will never leave his parents (but is comfortable leaving his newborn daughter). The husband is in pathological denial of the fact that his parents may have hurt the wife in any way. He says he will never let the wife ‘break his family’ and separate him from his parents. Meanwhile, the in-laws have expressed to the wife that they will not hesitate to physically hit her (though they haven’t hit her yet). Husband refuses to believe that in-laws did any of this.
When the wife complained about harassment to him, he did not hear a word and dropped her with the child to her parents house. Now he says he does not want the wife and in-laws say they will find another girl.
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UIt appears the son has been thoroughly brainwashed by his parents from his childhood resulting in no independent personality of his own. His parents have committed psychological abuse on him. They have made him an extension of their personality rather than a grown up independent man. The husband needs independent therapy (not couples counselling) to boost his own self esteem and see that his own family is now his wife and kids, parents are only to be supported. India is full of such hardworking bulls who were made such by their parents for their own financial and emotional benefits in old age.
The wife should record, literally video record any conversations she has with her inlaws, show them after a few months to her husband if it’s really happening.
If above doesn’t change and i have a feeling it wont based on ur description, I think divorce may be only option, but after some time. The guy is only going to suffer most in this, but sadly he or his mom doesnt realise.
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UDivorce is an easy option. Over of my sister divorced with a 25k salary.
This person is a doctor.
This situation sounds unrealistic on many counts.
1. If she is beautiful, and earning well, she will essily find another guy. We don’t really have many good looking women in the medical profession. Maybe 1 out of 20.
2. A doctor can easily work with a child. Some of my co workers bring their infant children with them to the duty room. They also bring a nanny.
3. If she is a MD, she can easily make 1.5lpm or more, at least in northern India. This is enough for a great lifestyle.
4. No need to pay a penny to the husband or his family. Never met a doctor who does that. Doctors are powerful, and can easily get legal backing/ police help. She is being stupid If she gets blackmailed.
5. Never saw a woman- doctor marry a non medical person. But if she did, why did she marry arranged? And into such a regressive family?
The answer, again, is divorce.
Note: I have never heard of a good looking woman have trouble find a match.
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USeriously, a good looking doctor with an arranged marriage to a non-doctor and transferring full salary to husband’s account and not a joint account! I mean where are her brain cells?!!
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UThe parents obviously tried to find a doctor match at first (the wife’s sister is also MBBS/MD doctor and was married to a doctor of same speciality through arranged marriage). For this girl, things happened to work out differently (as described in other comment) and the parents selected this person working on PhD at an elite university. She never gave her salary to the in-laws, she stood up for herself and that’s precisely why the in-laws became abusive over time. They married their son to a doctor girl with the sole aim of taking all her money.
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UTrue, the wife has a good earning capacity. I think the fear is that most guys including doctors don’t accept the child from previous marriage. Without the child, it would have been a lot easier to walk out.
Good point about getting a nanny and managing the situation, I wasn’t aware that this is becoming more common.
In this case, I believe that they tried to find a compatible doctor match for a while but in that region, it’s common for doctor guys to ask for 2+ crores dowry (and they easily get that). This girl’s family did not have that kind of money, hence they considered this PhD guy. She did resist giving away her salary and that further triggered the harassment from in-laws.
There were no red flags whatsoever when the wedding was decided. They did not place any demands during the marriage either. They started getting mentally abusive over time and harassment worsened the girl got pregnant. I think a mistake here was not taking enough time to speak with the guy. The regressive attitude would have become clear if the girl decided to spend more time with him before making a decision to marry.
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UI understand her more than anything, my husband is a phd too, I wish I can just dump his sorry ass. His and his parents taunts have been very harsh, throw in the sister in law too specifically before and after my dads death. It’s horrible, my daughter had been saving grace but I am waiting to get independent and learn driving so that I can take care of myself and her.
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CIn my opinion. She should file dowry harassment case against him and his family. She should drag them to court for couple of years and make them pay for their actions.
At the same time, she needs to get her life together and plan to live ahead as a single mother, why are you even thinking about her remarriage? Why is it even necessary? She’s educated, qualified and can give good life both to herself and her daughter without the need of any man. Give her confidence to deal with this. Not pull her down!!! -
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CYe OP bhi kya bh***d hai. Keeps on repeating life will be tough for the wife after getting divorced literally everywhere. Why mf? Why will it be tough? If she won’t find someone else so what? She earns well enough and is a doctor. She doesn’t need to find anyone else.
The issue here isn’t a legal one, it’s mentality of literally EVERYONE was involved. Husband toh hai hi ek number ka dehati, the wife, her parents, and even op are crying over bs like “No oNe wIlL mArRy hEr”.
The woman is an MD doctor. She can find anyone to marry, even if she isn’t living in a tier 1 city. If she is, then it is a non issue. And even if she doesn’t get married, SO WHAT?
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UGood point on having a more empowered, positive way to look at things here and have the courage to walk out instead of putting up with the nonsense (as repeatedly expressed by many people here). I think the core issue is that walking out with a child is a lot harder (it is a fact that majority of divorced guys don’t accept a child), but that doesn’t mean the wife and her parents should beg them to take her back. The more you try to adjust with this impossible situation, the more support you impart to this flawed story that puts wife at full disadvantage.
It is a reality that divorced women carry a massive stigma and structural disadvantages within common Indian population (even more so when they are with a child), so I implore you to be more sensitive and empathetic towards that. Being a doctor does help with financial independence but it’s not easy. Having said that, it’s true that women can and do win over these situations, and live a full life.
I fully agree that this fear should not force the person to continue with this kind of mistreatment, it only furthers the deeply rooted patriarchal mindset. At least if you have the financial independence, you can walk out. Maybe you can still find someone who loves and respects you for who you are, and if not, that’s still better than continuing to be in this impossible situation.
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Aliving with a family like this will only cause trauma to the daughter while she is growing up. as an adult, the daughter will always wonder why her mom didn’t leave. She will feel guilty thinking that she was the reason why her mom decided to put up with this nonsense. living as a single mother is 100 times better than living with such vile creatures and some people just never change. you will be surprised but, there are so many men who can treat other people’s children as their own contrary to popular belief. don’t believe the empty voices on the internet. your friend’s parents haven’t cared for her all those years, given her education just so that she can be a maid cum sugar mommy to some entitled family.
again, if your friend endures all this, her daughter is also gonna learn to put up with such things. ask her to think about what example she is setting for her babygirl. her family is gonna have to step up for caring for the baby. no matter how you see, this marriage has already ended. now she only needs to end it on paper
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UFully agree about the trauma that will continue in the name of saving marriage! Thank you so much for putting this out here.
The parents did want someone who will love and respect their daughter, it’s just that they never imagined this kind of situation could occur. There weren’t red flags when deciding the wedding, but in-laws became difficult after marriage (more so after getting pregnant). More than society, the parents are worried for their daughter to remain alone all her life. I think the key issue is that being married to this filth is much worse than being divorced, and that’s where the shift of thinking needs to happen
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NOn one end we have cases like these and on the other end there are cases like Atul Subhash.. Our country is going to dogs .. 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
But on the main note, I’m sorry your friend is going through this OP. Please note, if you file legal cases, there’s almost no saving the marriage if that’s what she wants.
But at the same time, her in laws and husbands demands are atrocious. She needs to make the decision for herself as to what she wants from this. Perhaps a counselling session would help?
I would advise against some of the comments that are quick to say divorce. Divorcee’s life in India is HARD!! Being a single parent in India is HARD. My sister is a divorcee and I know first hand what she goes through everyday.
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UYes, filing a case for harassment is easy but then there’s no saving of marriage. It’s tricky to find a balance between saving marriage and filing for divorce.
How HARD the life of a divorced woman with child in India is, can only be understood by someone who has gone through it, or someone who has seen a close family person/friend go through it. If one hasn’t seen the pains closely, one doesn’t know what the divorce entails. I empathise with your sister.
If the divorced woman has a girl child, the girl child also faces a lot of problems finding a match in marriage.
I have seen a couple of highly educated, intelligent, good-looking girls in the last 3 years, who were raised by divorced single moms, constantly rejected by guys on traditional matrimonial platforms despite their academic/professional achievements. The prospective matches or their families become very worried once they learn that the girl’s mother is divorced. Even with love marriage, once the guy introduces the girl to his parents, the parents do not approve.
I have seen these two girls struggling to find matches because the parents of guy get worried about a number of things: what will the society say if they bring a girl from divorced family to their home, what will they tell people in the marriage ceremony if asked about girl’s father, what will they tell their relatives, what will they print in wedding patrika as the name of the girl’s parents, and so on.
When in reality, these girls have done amazingly well being raised by single moms, and they deserve more respect.
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UYes, filing a case for harassment is easy but then there’s no saving of marriage. It’s tricky to find a balance between saving marriage and filing for divorce.
How HARD the life of a divorced woman with child in India is, can only be understood by someone who has gone through it, or someone who has seen a close family person/friend go through it. If one hasn’t seen the pains closely, one doesn’t know what the divorce entails. I empathise with your sister.
If the divorced woman has a girl child, the girl child also faces a lot of problems finding a match in marriage.
I have seen a couple of highly educated, intelligent, good-looking girls in the last 3 years, who were raised by divorced single moms, constantly rejected by guys on traditional matrimonial platforms despite their academic/professional achievements. The prospective matches or their families become very worried once they learn that the girl’s mother is divorced. Even with love marriage, once the guy introduces the girl to his parents, the parents do not approve.
I have seen these two girls struggling to find matches because the parents of guy get worried about a number of things: what will the society say if they bring a girl from divorced family to their home, what will they tell people in the marriage ceremony if asked about girl’s father, what will they tell their relatives, what will they print in wedding patrika as the name of the girl’s parents, and so on.
When in reality, these girls have done amazingly well being raised by single moms, and they deserve more respect.
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KDon’t fear for the child growing up without a father. Her grandfather or uncle can be a similar figure in her life if her mother is unable to remarry. Fear for her if she has to grow up with the toxic paternal side, especially seeing her mother reduced to a paycheck within the family. She will internalise that feeling over the years and her sense of self-worth will be really distorted. A child needs a family to behave as a family; if her father is willing to abandon her over what he feels about her mother (and it is deeply misogynistic), he will only be too comfortable to abandon her and her mother later in life also at the first hint of them not toeing his line.
The lady in question must be counselled to make up her mind, that she has personhood and agency irrespective of her marital status. And perhaps can meet a better person later in life. Even if she doesn’t, she can be happy and independent away from the sub-standard husband and his third rate family-
UThank you for the supportive words! Indeed, even the grandfather can be like father figure for the baby girl. The husband and the in-laws have shown little interest in the baby in this case, hence there won’t be any issues with custody. I am sure that the baby girl will receive FAR more love and care with her maternal grandparents and mom as compared with her father’s side of the family
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UWARNING THIS MAY BE THE EARLY SIGNS OF FINANCIAL OR FULL BLOWN ABUSE
Read this book I linked. It’s a free pdf on how abusers function and to protect yourself from them.
It is very important that you maintain contact with her, and allow her to protect contacts with her support. Abusers isolate their victims and make them reliant on then.
TELL HER TO READ THIS. IT’S A FREE PDF.
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EWith all due respect, a divorce is better than de@th. Know of a few cases in which the girls committed suicide due to unbearable harassment. She’s a MD for gods sake man, she can live comfortably on her own. Tell her to record the harassment from her in-laws and file a case. The law is on her side.
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UIt breaks my heart to see that educated, financially independent women too see their worth through the lens of having a husband and sustaining a marriage at all costs? Why? A man who has no love for his newborn, what is your friend expecting from such a pig? A happy divorcee is a much better life than a sad married woman. Please file for divorce as well as harassment. No kid deserves such a shitty person as their father. I don’t even understand why these types of men don’t marry their parents instead? Such assholes i swear.
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UTotally agree with you!
The issue is that both men and women in the society have deeply ingrained patriarchal values. Times are changing, women are breaking the glass ceiling everywhere. A lot of women are financially independent and now see marriage as only about finding a loving partner and not someone who will take care of them.
But a large portion of the country still reels under the traditional ideas where a woman’s purpose/value is defined by whether she is married (not by whether she is happy/healthy/fulfilling her dreams). Here the wife herself and everyone around her is defining her position based on whether she is married. Whether she is educated and financially independent somehow just doesn’t seem to matter if she doesn’t have a husband.
The husband did say the following to her after he left her with the baby “what’s the point of you getting a job now if you don’t have a husband anymore”. Her in-laws have repeatedly tormented her saying “your life will be destroyed if you don’t give us the money, nobody will marry used goods”.
Indeed the right thing to do here is not just get a divorce, but also teach these monsters a lesson they never forget.
However it is equally unfortunate that a highly educated woman was sought out as bride with the sole goal of taking away all the salary she earns. It was not out of respect for her education. It was assumed that she won’t be able to leave the marriage because of this deeply flawed idea that ‘nobody will marry her again and her life will be destroyed’.
The wife (and her parents) in principle do want a partner who loves and respects her, not a bad marriage where she is treated inhumanly.
The reason why divorce becomes hard in such situations is 1) fear of the massive stigma and crazy levels of social ostracism a divorced woman faces (harsh reality that hasn’t received as much attention on media/social platforms) 2) her relatives/friends/colleagues who assume it’s the woman’s fault that husband left her/she couldn’t adjust/she has ego because she is educated/etc. 3) if she wants love, she has a much harder time finding that given the massive stigma and real fear that a girl child may suffer sexual abuse in the new home should she find a match 4) bad marriage is hard but each day of her life as divorced woman is harder e.g. colleagues/clients who judge her for not wearing mangalsutra, plumbers/carpenters not heeding to your call for weeks because they did not hear a man’s voice on the phone, having nobody to pick you up late night at the bus station and being scared for life, men who look at you as easy target for s*x because you have no man to protect you, etc etc. 5) knowing that the husband moved on to have another wife in no time and faces zero stigma, so questioning your decisions everyday. 6) only in-laws/husband abuse you in bad marriage, but the entire world around you abuses you after divorce (zero awareness of this on social platforms).
I agree that in these cases the woman needs to remain strong and brave, enforce her boundaries and not let the patriarchal values stop her from protecting herself.
But countless women who stay in abusive marriages are not stupid. They know that they are going to die everyday regardless of whether they leave the marriage.
Hence the decision boundary for leaving marriage is usually not crossed unless the abuse has reached impossible levels – this is a harsh reality for many women in the country.
I do agree that times are changing and more women are taking the decision to leave bad marriages, doing amazing things, doing great job as single moms especially when they are financially independent. But 90% women are stuck.
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JDude she definitely needs to play along and record stuff before getting a divorce. Especially the part about him caring more about his parents than his child. Record it. Get evidence. I have a friend who’s mother was in a kinda similiar situation when she was born(husband had a gf but didn’t marry her because he was rajput and she was brahmin, in laws taunted her for not being appealing to their son, for taking 5 months to get pregnant, and for not giving them the wedding jewellery). She got a divorce and once she proved that he didn’t care about their daughter, getting sole custody was super easy. The girl grew up to be a super smart and nice person. She got more than 99% in both 10 and 12 pcm+econ iirc. One good girl is always better than a bad one and a distressed one
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P1. She can record these statements made by the in laws – all incriminating for dowry demand. Forcing to transfer the entire salary is also a kind of Dowry Demand. She can file a Dowry Harassment case on them right now. But only if she is willing to let go of the marriage. Because once you file the criminal cases, it is very difficult the reconcile and live as a family. [https://divorcebylaw.com/dowry/](https://divorcebylaw.com/dowry/)
2. alternatively she can file a Domestic Violence Case and ask for civil remedies such as counseling for her husband and in laws. It will be a mediation process where an independent mediator would talk to them and make them understand whatever they do amounts to domestic violence and it is against the law. [https://divorcebylaw.com/domestic-violence-lawyer-in-bangalore-india/](https://divorcebylaw.com/domestic-violence-lawyer-in-bangalore-india/)
3. Unfortunately, it is difficult change the stripes of the zebra. If she feels that the family is toxic, husband is unloving and if she wants a better home for her daughter, she can file for a contested divorce on the grounds of cruelty. [https://divorcebylaw.com/best-contested-divorce-lawyers-in-bangalore/](https://divorcebylaw.com/best-contested-divorce-lawyers-in-bangalore/)
For further clarification please contact us [https://g.co/kgs/pQ8xiDi](https://g.co/kgs/pQ8xiDi)
**Disclaimer:** In the absence of all the facts of the case, the comments given may not be the best solution for your case. One on one consultation with a legal counsel/ advocate is advised to get better guidance.
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ODivorce is the solution. Husband’s family is greedy. This will only get worse with time. It does not bode well for a mother with a girl child either.
Wife need not worry about remarriage with girl child as there are many men willing to marry such a woman in such circumstances. Her govt job is a huge plus point. However, she might have to compromise on certain attributes in the man, be it physical, medical or financial.
However, any potential suitor and/or his family would be skeptical to tie the knot if this divorce entails maintenance and/or alimony as it paints the wife as greedy and then they might fear her doing the same to them. If this divorce is settled amicably, it shows great character on her part.
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