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UTrue, having the child seems to have complicated things. I believe that the harassment increased a lot more after the wife got pregnant. Before that, there was pressure to give salary and hints about how the husband received many proposals from rich families, hints about how people in their social circle got gold, etc. The wife should have waited for a while to really test the situation before deciding to have the child.UFully agree about the trauma that will continue in the name of saving marriage! Thank you so much for putting this out here.
The parents did want someone who will love and respect their daughter, itās just that they never imagined this kind of situation could occur. There werenāt red flags when deciding the wedding, but in-laws became difficult after marriage (more so after getting pregnant). More than society, the parents are worried for their daughter to remain alone all her life. I think the key issue is that being married to this filth is much worse than being divorced, and thatās where the shift of thinking needs to happenUGood point on having a more empowered, positive way to look at things here and have the courage to walk out instead of putting up with the nonsense (as repeatedly expressed by many people here). I think the core issue is that walking out with a child is a lot harder (it is a fact that majority of divorced guys donāt accept a child), but that doesnāt mean the wife and her parents should beg them to take her back. The more you try to adjust with this impossible situation, the more support you impart to this flawed story that puts wife at full disadvantage.It is a reality that divorced women carry a massive stigma and structural disadvantages within common Indian population (even more so when they are with a child), so I implore you to be more sensitive and empathetic towards that. Being a doctor does help with financial independence but itās not easy. Having said that, itās true that women can and do win over these situations, and live a full life.
I fully agree that this fear should not force the person to continue with this kind of mistreatment, it only furthers the deeply rooted patriarchal mindset. At least if you have the financial independence, you can walk out. Maybe you can still find someone who loves and respects you for who you are, and if not, thatās still better than continuing to be in this impossible situation.
UTrue, the wife has a good earning capacity. I think the fear is that most guys including doctors donāt accept the child from previous marriage. Without the child, it would have been a lot easier to walk out.Good point about getting a nanny and managing the situation, I wasnāt aware that this is becoming more common.
In this case, I believe that they tried to find a compatible doctor match for a while but in that region, itās common for doctor guys to ask for 2+ crores dowry (and they easily get that). This girlās family did not have that kind of money, hence they considered this PhD guy. She did resist giving away her salary and that further triggered the harassment from in-laws.
There were no red flags whatsoever when the wedding was decided. They did not place any demands during the marriage either. They started getting mentally abusive over time and harassment worsened the girl got pregnant. I think a mistake here was not taking enough time to speak with the guy. The regressive attitude would have become clear if the girl decided to spend more time with him before making a decision to marry.
UIndeed, the diversity of cultures is very interesting. We donāt belong to a traditionally matrilineal culture, we are both from Maharashtra where it is typical for the kidās middle name to be fatherās first name and kidās last name is fatherās last name. Itās unfortunate that some men resist changing this tradition. Societies are slow to change especially when it comes to these things. Our social circle and parents were very happy when we made this decision.UThank you for sharing your experience!
Did you have to follow any different procedure for your second child (for example adding to gazette etc)? Does the birth certificate mention the full name of the child?UThereās a lot of cultural diversity. Some people have middle names and some donāt (in developed countries). However, itās interesting to note that middle name does not have to be the fatherās name in most developed countries (it can be anything like the first name).UThank you! Both me and my wife have nice and short surnames that we love, but if there ever arises inconsistency issues (for our child) just because society/systems are not used to seeing such a choice exercised, I am happy to change my surname to my wifeās surname.UThank you! Both me and my wife have nice and short surnames that we love, but if inconsistency was ever an issue, I would be more than happy to change my surname to my wifeās surname.UTrue, there are matrilineal communities around the world, but have much smaller numbers as compared to patrilineal ones.UThis is our first child – we planned on giving our child the motherās last name irrespective of whether itās a boy or girl.UThere are plenty of people with middle names who study and work internationally without major issues, but sometimes thereās a confusion.UGood point in making sure thereās no ambiguity! India has a long way to go when it comes to revamping such systems. Not too long ago, the Indian passport was much harder to make without a husband/fatherās name, making things much harder for children who are orphans or do not know their father. Today itās much simpler to make Indian passport in such situations. I hope we continue to improve our systems and make them more inclusive.
