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UOp,
Just calling a spade a spade, but it appears you and the family are more worried about appearances than safety and happiness. That mentality continues to plague our culture and I think you know what’s right to do here but you are stuck believing it’s your job to make everyone happy and it’s not.
Your sister is in an abusive relationship and stuck in the abused woman cycle. Yes, People with mental health issues aren’t bad people, they just need help and until they get it, it is extremely unhealthy for them to be in a relationship or even a parent.
It is important to remember, mental health issues may explain his behavior, it does NOT excuse it.
Your sister will not be throwing a 13 year old marriage away, she will be ending one to ultimately send a message his behavior is NOT okay, and save her son from becoming someone who believes this type of behavior should be tolerated and even exhibited as appropriate.
Your brother in law needs help, and needs to find it on his own. My biggest question is, is your sister ready to leave? Because from what you’ve talked about in here, it does not sound like she is. Unless she is ready to make moves on her own, your efforts will go to waste. She will always return to him.
On your end, be the best support person you can and offer as much support as possible. Remember to take self care and remember you can always lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink.
If she is ready to leave, divorce proceedings and a lawyer are best. If she’s worried about your parents, remind them what would they rather have? Abused daughter and potentially a traumatized grandchild who will either become an abuser or be abused, or a daughter who stood her boundaries and did what she could to keep herself and her son safe?
Good luck and take care.
