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UHey mate,
I’m not Indian, and I’ve never interacted with this subreddit before, but your post appeared in my timeline and I felt compelled to reply because I was so concerned about you, and for your welfare.
I’m not going to offer any practical advice, simply because I don’t know how the healthcare system works in India, or what support is available from charities and the government and so on. Rather, I’m going to say that I get it.
I’ve felt how you’ve felt, and I’ve been where you are. I’m the youngest of three, and my early twenties was one colossal screw-up after another. I dropped out of university, moved to another country, and things didn’t work out so I had to come home after a year, broke and unemployed. And I felt like a loser son that let everyone down.
The thing is, the only way you could truly let your parents down is by hurting yourself. I don’t know the things that make you feel like a “loser” — and I use inverted quotes, because I truly don’t believe that you are — but they’re temporary, and that’s what you’ve got to remember.
I’m guessing you’re young. I was when I blew up my degree in pursuit of a job overseas that didn’t work out. I was 19, in fact. I came home feeling like an abject failure. And it took some time, but I was able to get my life back on track, and now I’m married with three dogs, my own business, and a little house.
Right now, I feel like you’re staring at your life and feeling like it’s this big, monumental thing that you can’t fix. But the truth is, it doesn’t work like that. You work on the little things, and soon enough the big things don’t seem so formidable.
It was like that with me. I did little things, and suddenly life got better, and I didn’t feel like that loser I once did. It was finding the right job. Going back to university and making new friends. Getting my degree. Meeting my wife. Finding the right antidepressants that worked for my brain chemistry (Duloxetine, FYI). Getting diagnosed with ADHD and starting treatment. Buying my first dog, and then my second, and then my third.
(And don’t discount the possibility of a fourth.)
Your life is just beginning, and you have so many opportunities ahead of you. The problem is that if you hurt yourself, you foreclose on those opportunities.
Your parents raised you. They love you. And the thing is that there’s very little that you can do to change that. There’s nothing so infinite as a parent’s love. And I guarantee that they don’t see you as a loser, and if they could do anything to make you feel better, they would. I imagine that if you told them how you feel, they’d remind you how much they love you, and they’d do anything to help.
I’m speaking from experience there.
I know it’s scary, but you can get through this. You’ve just got to do the little things I told you about. Do you have the means to see a doctor? Can you speak to a therapist? Honestly, getting meds and then articulating the feelings you’re experiencing to someone who can help you process them is an absolute godsend. And when you start to feel better in yourself, you’re able to tackle the big things.
Do you have a passion that you can turn into a career, or a business? Do you want to go back to school? Could you do an apprenticeship (I have no idea if they’re a thing in India like in the UK, or if they work in the same way).
I don’t want to discount the pain you’re feeling, because it’s real, and I imagine at the moment it’s all you’re feeling. But it’s not insurmountable, and you’re too important to let that pain win. Because the thing is, you can beat it.
I really hope you don’t hurt yourself, because I believe that you have a bright, happy life ahead of you. Please, please look after yourself.
